Ever since this year even before ever since 2019 November. I have been feeling so fucking low. I have lost myself due to drama and every hard station I’m passing through my life. I just want to archive my goals that I have been wanting to do ever since I don’t know when. I want to be a successful rich woman who helps people and lose weight, make my loved ones happy. Most importantly myself. I have been going through hell. Drama, pain, love and all that kind of shit. Yes, I’ve been happy somehow in my life but due to someone else for an example, a boy made me happy or having lots of friends and being ‘popular’. But I just feel like I have never done something to or ever been happy for me or have been happy by myself. Always attached to something. It’s so fucking sick. Ever since this year started, which keep in mind, it was a hell of a start, I was dating this guy for 2 months and then after him, I meet this boy that I loved and still love ever since February until now. He broke my heart twice… Even though he promised he will never break my heart he did. We used to talk every hour, every day and every second. We were each other’s first priority. He said that he loved me and cared for me yet he just loved me. We were friends and he didn’t love me the way I loved him but I can really tell you his actions were more than just friends. He called me when he woke up, was going out, on his way home from going out, when he was playing PS4 he begged me to join and play w him and his friends, he introduced me to his family, he talked to me before he went to bed, he told me everything he was thinking about. I was in his life, I knew everything, I loved him for making me happy when I was really down. I loved him for showing that kind of attention that became a routine in my life… Man writing this just waow, it’s been 4 months ever since he left me again… I just waow miss him so much. I love him and I still care for him. I love him so much. He was the one who made me realize what love is. He’s also the boy who broke me that made me feel lost and made sick and made me end up in the hospital because I loved him so much and losing him really was killing me inside and I got gastric catarrh (bc stress) and still have it.
I just want, tough, forget him. I have lost so many friends during these four months. Mostly I have lost myself. I don’t eat but I do eat a lot, every day is different, I sleep a lot, I don’t have the motivation to move or do anything. I just feel like I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to succeed. Get amazing grades. Get my driving license which I have failed to get twice now. I just I don’t know what I love anymore, what to do, who I am, what I want, how to do anything, how to feel something. I live my days and it feels like I’m dreaming. I feel like I’m so unfocused. I don’t get what the fuck is going on in life. I have tried to manage my fucking self for so long and yet I still seek for help because I really don’t want to give up myself but it’s so hard to keep the concentration and the discipline in life. I have no discipline and when I do set up one for me, IT GOES TO HELL. Like FUCK bro, I’m the happiest and this amazing girl ever that has been going through hell and yet made it out. I know I will make it out of this feeling/period that I’m going through. But it feels like I never will.
I’m just upset that I have lost myself. Lost my confidence. Lost my trust in people and myself. Lost happiness. Lost motivation, bro I was this motivated girl and always kept on going now I’m just tired. Lost feeling something. Lost hope in life. Lost something inside me. Just sad that I have lost myself. I would do anything to stop the heavy feeling in my chest and in my heart to go away. Really I’m trying to concentrate on me, but I keep losing myself. I know it takes time but I don’t have time anymore, I’m getting behind in life and I need to fix this asap.
My plan is to wake up early - 5 am. Eat a healthy breakfast, exercise, get a good shower, fix myself and go to school. Do good in school. Come back home, study more, read a book, meditate, pray. I have already sacrificed so much to try to get happy. I have removed all my social media, I lost all my friends due to unnecessary drama I could have fought for them but it was no need because they left me, I don’t have that much of contact with people no more. I have sacrificed so much.
You know what would make me happy? To study hard to the theoric driving test and pass it. Then pass my driving licence test and get my fucking driving license. Bro I would kill for that to happen. BUT WHERE DO I GET THE MOTIVATION AND ENERGY?? PLEASE LIKE OUGH, this is a frustration.
Okay I’m done. It feels better in my heart to take this all out. Waow. Okay bye.
I am having the same kinda a situation but waking up at 5 and all stuff ,I have done it already but it’s not helping me and I just don’t know what would make me happy but i just wanna success in my carrier more than anything but I am failing in that too because of my dumb not serious action towards it .
omg, same!!! I don’t know what makes me happy anymore. I try to find happiness in my life to have the motivation to wake up in the morning or at least have something to wake up too you know? it’s been 2 days now ever since I began with my ADHD medication, it helps me to study but it’s still hard. I still feel broken, lost and unhappy. But you just got to keep going. Turn off your social media notifications. focus on you. you do you. You won’t know what’s right for you today or tomorrow, the right thing comes to you when the right time comes.
