Dear Ivy,
I had no where to go. I do not know where and to whom to turn to.
I signed up here.
You were the voice of reason. You’d put things into perspective and tell me what I’m doing is right because what I seem to do is wrong.
People assume I’m doing well and obsessive. But I’m not. I’m nervous. Everything I do is wrong. I miss out details. I don’t review my work. I’m on site everyday to repair any wrongs I do. Everyday I feel they will find my fault and point it out and rub it in my face.
I’m a nervous person. I just figured that out. I’m not obsessive. I am nervous. They will find out I am so flawed and figure out I am not that smart after all.
I’m drowning in faults and the need to repair. I am weak and helpless.
I want help.
Incapable, hopeless, lost and disoriented.
I wish you were around to tell me it’s ok to feel lost once in awhile. Like smack me in the head and say, don’t keep saying yes.
I lost my mojo again. This time, I am alone. We’d lose our mojo together and just pick each other up and have cakes and coffee. Laugh our troubles away.
I wish I could have done that with you. Laugh until your pain went away. Or created more good pain because you laughed too hard.
I want to be sad that you’re not here.
I want to be cry that I’m overwhelmed with work and promises.
I want to be angry about the new boss.
I want to be angry to leave the office after 9 years.
I want to cry, scream and be sad.
I want to feel worth, brave and strong.
I want to feel what I am doing is right. Right by them Right by me.
I want to stop defending myself. What I am doing is right. Right by me.
But is it?