Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

CW: Death, Suicide, Self Harm

I’m at my limit, and I don’t know what to do. Tl;Dr this week I lost a friend and a couple of days later another very close friend started struggling with suicidal tendencies and kept disappearing causing me to not know if he was dead or alive. I can’t blame him for his mental health struggle but it’s put me in a very weak position since I am already mourning and I’m his point of contact through all of this. My relationship is open and last night while I was trying to figure out whether my friend was alive or not, my partner kind of cornered me with a lot of his struggles through our open relationship and confided in me that they went through my messages with the other party that I am talking to. I wasn’t hiding anything and he admits that, but it still really hurts knowing he was so low that he would break our trust in a such a way and hurt himself in the long run without talking to me before things got to that point. I ended up breaking because I had so much on my plate at once and sobbing on the bathroom floor while vomiting and I’m embarassed that he had to see that as well as I feel like he didn’t deserve to have to deal with my emotions when he was trying to have a conversation about our relationship. He asked me if we could close, and I told him I am unfortunately way too invested in this other party to just cut it off cold turkey and he told me we might end up splitting up. We had an awful night and were able to discuss it more clearly today, he apologized for bringing it up when he did and I apologized for not being able to close our relationship. He left the house today and I’m alone for the first time in a year and I’m really considering self harm for the first time in five years.