Confused about what I am doing in my life .
Need some type of positive energy which can boost my brain power

Abhisek Chopra 

Hey,
You know what, just fucking do what you want lah! 

Confusion

Who you like? 
(I love taylor) 

Music

A couple of months ago, I received a preliminary medical diagnosis from my doctor. It’s what I suspected and answered so many questions about my past and how I am, today. I explained everything to my girlfriend and she is supportive standing by my side through all of this. For myself, I’ve been overthinking and stressed. I am overwhelmed with my condition to the point that my anxiety issues have worsened. Now, I am self conscious with every aspect of my daily life.

I am not sure why I feel I don’t deserve good things anymore in my life and to be happy. I feel flawed and not a person that should go on living a life as I was beforehand. I am not happy with myself and perhaps not accepting of my new personal identity and condition, even though there is nothing I can do to change that. I deserve to be happy and going forward in life as much as anyone else. Yet, I feel I can’t. Perhaps, I need time to adapt to this new change as I navigate life from a new perspective. I just don’t know. 

Anxiety

is it really okay being a sensitive person? i know it does not really bother people for being one but the problem is in me now. like i can cry so easily and i hate that but i can’t help it 

Does anybody else feel like something is wrong with them? I’ve been to 3 counsellors and they all said that nothing is wrong with me. But that can’t be possible, there is no way I feel all of this without having something wrong with me, right? Having episodes where I can’t leave my room for days. Moods switching back and forth. Zoning out constantly. Giving someone new in my life constant attention for a week or more but then it instantly goes. Not being able to stick to more than one hobby. Having to make people constantly happy, with how I look, dress and act. Breaking down every night because I couldn’t get that one math question right. I get it, people have it way worse, I know that. I’m not saying that they don’t but surely something isn’t right in my head, surely I need something, some kind of help. I don’t think this is normal, I hope it’s not because I’m really struggling to deal with it.

Mental Illness

So, i woke up in the morning with a bad mood. At first I didn’t know why but then I realised I was stressing over how i had so many plans for my life but still haven’t done anything. 

There are people (my classmates, friends, etc.) who have already began to work or are preparing for an entrance exam they have to crack, and I’m still here waiting for my last year in college to end so that i can move further. But this makes me like I’m doing it all wrong.

I always wanted to talk about this to someone but when i do everyone just thinks I’m dumb and have no plans for my future and I’m just dreaming and having unrealistic expectations from life but NO! It’s  not like i have no plans for my life, i do! And i am slowing working on it!  But I just keep feeling I’m too slow because everyone is already doing something and I’m still here!

I know after reading this some might say, “Just get up, and start working on it. Don’t just think, take some action.” Like yes, i know, just sitting and thinking doesn’t work. I’m just waiting for this year to end to i can think of what i can do further. But also I don’t want to feel like I’m doing nothing with my life.


Overthinking

I'm so fucking tired of living! I want to end it here and now! Will I have any regrets? Well only for words that I didn't said and for those times I wanted to scream but didn't... I don't have any purpose here, some of y'all can tell me that I will be happy or day or another bullshit but hey we both know that miracles aren't really promised. Why am I living? well I'm still here because I'm hoping... hoping that one day someone won't only tell me that I need to stay but I want them to come and pick me up from this hell so that I can finally live.. I MEAN REALLY FUCKING LIVING NOT ONLY EXISTING! I hate people.. why? because they can't shut the FUCK UP, they keep talking for what? what do they breathe?! I can't even hear my mom breathe since she traumatized me. Like seriously I AM SO FED UP WITH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AND THOSE STANDING SHIT THAT WE ALL CALL PEOPLE. What about the society? this word means nothing, people always want to categorize everything, people always want to control, they want power but no one will ever just shut their ass and lay their stupid ass ANYWHERE and simply take a breath. You are afraid of judgment? well so am I but no one cares, you can live in peace either way people don't give a fuck at all, you can also die as well people will only care to give a reaction but at the end of the end their life will keep going without you and the memories they had with you will slowly disappear when they will turn their back to return to their monotonous life.

Suicidal Ideation

Depression is really something which affects you a lot. I wanna watch movie now but I can’t as I am not able to concentrate even in series or movie or anything… Things are pretty worse as have been going through since 14 years. I am really tired and exhausted. I am going through a lot, I don’t know what’s actually going on from past 20 years in my life. No, it’s not only confusion but it’s a pattern of sadness, trauma, deaths, restrictions, fakeness and much more. Yeah, I am alive and that’s most difficult thing to do right now in my life i guess. I am even stressed to share my feelings freely as I really don’t wanna stress the reader cause I know the reader is also a human being and no one wants to be sad right? I don’t know what will I do going through so much and I am so much tired of all this !!! I don’t wanna die but I am too tired. Currently going through a lot… Life seems hopeless and every night I just wish I could end my day, although it’s been so far 21 years of life I have been dragging things but sometimes I just wanna quit everything. I know you might be thinking why am I so much tensed and why I have so much negativity but the thing is I have really seen worst… Well, Now many of you might be thinking there are people who might be in worst condition than me and might be deprived of things but you know what I seriously want to end things… I am still trying to solve things and have tried hell lot to solve things but every time I try things become worst and I am now even so afraid to feel those feelings as those are serious depression issue which might be hidden behind my smiling face. I am even afraid to come to close to anyone and even so afraid to encounter anyone seriously anyone in my life anymore.

Thanks for reading so far !! May god bless you with loads of happiness, success and prosperity in your life!! Love you !! God Bless you !!

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts