Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

august 23rd 2021 i met this trans boy named rei on discord. (i live in brasil, they live in canada)
we started dating some time after and it was honestly one of the best times in my life-

then sometime in december norton gets added to the brasil wifi. norton is basically a supervising software that scans ALL internet activity. this being said, the software itself is only installed onto computers of kids under 16 and their parents.
im under 16.
my father maybe about a week later calls me down into the living room to talk. he says how he figured out/got told about my relationship/conversations/etc with rei, and commanded me to not talk to them ever again-
a couple days later he cools off but insists that if i am to continue talking with rei he has to call them personally. (this whole day was really uncomfortable becuz hes also transphobic so he kept deadnaming them and calling them a she)
that went fine. he gave terms for us being able to continue talking and whatever.
a couple days after THAT, discord was banned in my city, so rei and i were stuck to talking on skype. also, my father, using norton, gave me a limit of only and hour and a half on the computer in general. so that was horrible.
about a month later he gets pissed again and tells me to stop talking to them in general, and he was serious this time. he forced me to get rid of their chat with him watching, so he knew i couldn’t have contacted rei to let them know beforehand(??)
what he didn’t know is that i had rei added on pinterest and steam as well. to not get in trouble again since norton literally surveys all activity i didn’t message them on steam at all for a while but at some point on me checking my pinterest i found out that rei had blocked me. kinda understandable, since everything had been going relatively smoothly and then i just. stop responding. (since i only deleted the chat, not the contact)

then sometime in april they message me on steam. i was scared half to death that my dad was going to find out, so i didn’t answer. they message again a couple weeks later. i decided to answer and they said they understood that i couldn’t talk much and all that. (also, discord in my city is getting unbanned in november) they said that they’d wait till november to be able to talk again. (im rlly honestly looking forward i guess?? but my dad’ll just find out again so like)

we kept having vague, spread apart chats on steam. but one day my dad talks about something else i did on my computer (installing some game) and i instantly felt TERRIFIED that he’d find out about rei.
so me being dumb and scared of my father, removed them as a friend.
biggest regret of my life.

i didn’t hear from them at all until literally today. and i didn’t receive a message from them or anything, but i have a playlist on spotify dedicated to them. (they had my spotify but then unfollowed me when i stopped responding, so i had no link to them) so today i open that up and see it was liked by someone. i go into my profile and see a new follower. i click on that account and JUST based on the playlist styles, names, etc, could instantly tell it was rei.
i thought they’d be mad that i removed them on everything, but maybe not?? im really confused, terrified, sad, happy, literally every emotion feels like its folding over each other and dumping itself back down on my heart
i hate this feeling sm
again, i thought they’d be mad but maybe not?? since they liked the playlist i have dedicated to THEM and only that playlist
but i also think they’ve moved on since some of their playlists have one side of romantic-ish matching icons- that’s honestly soul crushing cuz we promised each other we’d never move on and everything would go back to normal in november

for the past couple of months i was thinking back and decided that i wasn’t going to contact them once i got discord back because, although i loved them more than literally anything, my brain told me it wasn’t worth getting beaten and literally all privileges taken away from me for
but now im not so sure
i wanna ask them so many questions
i’ve been feeling so invincible lately and have been trying not to think about them but now i feel horrific and its all i can think about and i hate it
but i feel like the only way to not think about it is to have answers to all my questions but. im gonna get found out if i contact them

i wish i had a healthy relationship with a partner
and i wish my father accepted that relationship