Lia @leelia
A letter to @/someone
Itās been 4 years since you left, I still think of you as my āgo toā person, i still think about you and me as āusā. When i find myself on the edge of the cliff, when i feel like breacking down, when thereās too much inside my head, when im lost and wondering, you are the one i go find, all the conversations in my mind, i imagine itās me talking to you, i tell you what im going throught, and you comfort me with a warm hugā¦Itās so weird, you know? I see you every day but youāre not the same person i used to look at, i used to find safety arround you now i tremble when i have you near. It hurts, because you keep living your life as if nothing happend, but I, ever since you left i hadnāt had much good happen and everyday i live in misery because āyouā happened. I want to hate you but i defend you instead, i want to blame you but i blame myself instead, for giving up to easily, for not holding on even if i saw you slowly letting go, maybe i should have pulled you closer, maybe i shouldāve convinced you too stay, just for my own sake i shouldāve tried harder, now im alone lonely, thereās no one, thereās no one like you. Iām not happy for your happiness, i canāt be while youāre hanging out with your new friends and i have none, when you have a boyfriend and have moved on, when youāre doing so well on your own. I envy you so much, i always had, because youāve always gotten everything i ever wanted. Ever since the beginning you were always quicker than me to get what i so desperately pursued, you where always better when it came to that.
Donāt you feel bad? Why donāt you care? I gave you everything, i was there when no one was, when you where so lonely when everyone turned their back against you, i didnāt care, i didnāt care what others thought of us, but you did, you left me everytime someone told you to or made you feel like you should, you cared more about otherās opinion on me than me, and i wanted to understand, and i do, but still, i canāt help but hurting. You where only there when the sun shined bright but when it went down youād leave my sight, just right when i most needed you, why? DONāT FORGET WHERE YOU BELONG, even if you try to forget the decade we spent together you canāt erase it, maybe stay a little bit more humble? what about the ones who saw you when you were inblisible to everyone else? are you just going to become everyone else now? You know whatās the funniest thing about this? I still love you, i still care, i still want you. Even if i want to hate you, even if i should whatever it is i canāt help but hate myself for not hating you and for finding myself waiting for you to come back to me just as you left, as if nothing had happened, just as how you would always do. But itās been way to long, i have to accept this is not one of our stupid fights we had back then, the ones youād always forget about in like an hour althought you where the one that started it, i hated that back then because you hurt me but then came back as if you did nothing, because youād get so upset, make me feel bad, and all to just go back, like that? But now i wish youād do that again, i know itās been to long but itās been to much on my own, too much to handle alone. A lot has happened since we last talked, i changed a lot, im not sure if you have. But iāve been hurt, iāve been keeping secrets and dealing with a lot, with the worst compared to anything iāve lived before, yet right when that started itās when you decided it would be a perfect time to leave, now who do i tell? now where do i reach a helping hand? where are you when youāre most needed? Let me know.
Lia @leelia
i made a lot of spelling mistakes i know, itās just i have dyslexia and english isnāt my first language and i donāt have grammarly on lol