Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

A letter to @/someone

It’s been 4 years since you left, I still think of you as my “go to” person, i still think about you and me as “us”. When i find myself on the edge of the cliff, when i feel like breacking down, when there’s too much inside my head, when im lost and wondering, you are the one i go find, all the conversations in my mind, i imagine it’s me talking to you, i tell you what im going throught, and you comfort me with a warm hug…It’s so weird, you know? I see you every day but you’re not the same person i used to look at, i used to find safety arround you now i tremble when i have you near. It hurts, because you keep living your life as if nothing happend, but I, ever since you left i hadn’t had much good happen and everyday i live in misery because “you” happened. I want to hate you but i defend you instead, i want to blame you but i blame myself instead, for giving up to easily, for not holding on even if i saw you slowly letting go, maybe i should have pulled you closer, maybe i should’ve convinced you too stay, just for my own sake i should’ve tried harder, now im alone lonely, there’s no one, there’s no one like you. I’m not happy for your happiness, i can’t be while you’re hanging out with your new friends and i have none, when you have a boyfriend and have moved on, when you’re doing so well on your own. I envy you so much, i always had, because you’ve always gotten everything i ever wanted. Ever since the beginning you were always quicker than me to get what i so desperately pursued, you where always better when it came to that.
Don’t you feel bad? Why don’t you care? I gave you everything, i was there when no one was, when you where so lonely when everyone turned their back against you, i didn’t care, i didn’t care what others thought of us, but you did, you left me everytime someone told you to or made you feel like you should, you cared more about other’s opinion on me than me, and i wanted to understand, and i do, but still, i can’t help but hurting. You where only there when the sun shined bright but when it went down you’d leave my sight, just right when i most needed you, why? DON’T FORGET WHERE YOU BELONG, even if you try to forget the decade we spent together you can’t erase it, maybe stay a little bit more humble? what about the ones who saw you when you were inblisible to everyone else? are you just going to become everyone else now? You know what’s the funniest thing about this? I still love you, i still care, i still want you. Even if i want to hate you, even if i should whatever it is i can’t help but hate myself for not hating you and for finding myself waiting for you to come back to me just as you left, as if nothing had happened, just as how you would always do. But it’s been way to long, i have to accept this is not one of our stupid fights we had back then, the ones you’d always forget about in like an hour althought you where the one that started it, i hated that back then because you hurt me but then came back as if you did nothing, because you’d get so upset, make me feel bad, and all to just go back, like that? But now i wish you’d do that again, i know it’s been to long but it’s been to much on my own, too much to handle alone. A lot has happened since we last talked, i changed a lot, im not sure if you have. But i’ve been hurt, i’ve been keeping secrets and dealing with a lot, with the worst compared to anything i’ve lived before, yet right when that started it’s when you decided it would be a perfect time to leave, now who do i tell? now where do i reach a helping hand? where are you when you’re most needed? Let me know.