Y'all have ever had a crush on your cousin cuz he's fine ash, not like crush crush but like you find him very attractive so you just look at him to admire his beauty

NOOOOOOO, I was drunk yesterday so I told him that he's fine ash and that I like that he's so dominant like ughhhhh I even played with his hair, veins and hands

Ughhhh why me and why did I do that even if I don't regret it

Well she's my spirit ig but when I'm drunk

He was also measuring our hands cuz mine is smaller and I was like "just grab it"

I'm so unlucky to have that one fine cousin with the perfect face and body

Y'all he has been very attractive and even more since 2018

Confusion

So a girl from my school got abused by a teacher. I didn't have a connection with this teacher or the girl so people didn't really think i got affected by it like many did. But i messed me up. Because i was touched by a 40s something man when i was 5. and i remember it all. his dick getting hard when i sat in in his legs, his and making it way to my v** and my breast. i represd that memory for a very long time. but now It all i think about. 

Child Abuse

Since childhood, I faced sexual abuse, ragging in school, physical and verbal abuse etc, I was trying to understand all this and to solve the conflicts in my mind but before I can do that my Grandfather died. At that time he was the only one who used to listen to me, understand me, he was the bestest friend one can have, and I was so young(in 2nd std) to even properly get the idea that he is gone forever and all those feelings of harrassment and abuses got permanently fixed inside me, but just after his death I was beaten with shoes and belts by my uncle as he wants to satisfy his anger and even my parents used to be there and all this used to happen before them which kept going on for quite a long time and because of all this I developed a fear which gets triggered everytime I feels like someone or something is opposing me and because of that fear I became so aggressive that I became the biggest reason for my parents to get hurt. I was the biggest reason of fights in our home and even after knowing all the things I couldn't solve all this as I felt like completely out of my control. Memories of my grandfather along with all other bad memories of abuses kept making me more and more miserable, time passed by and saveral years later I met a girl with whom I fell in love and I felt like I should do all I can to make myself a better person for her to love and as our relationship kept going I fixed all my habits of over aggressiveness, lack of ambition, unfocused, miserable person. I was so much in love with her that I had even decided till the last moments of my life that she will be by my side as we have made the most beautiful and complete love story of all time. I was in college for my engineering degree when a financial crisis occurred and I had to drop out of the college which was a crucial step on the path of my ambition and it gave me a deep cut inside as I cannot think about any other career for me and I loved so much what I was pursuing and just after 3 months of dropping out of the college, Girl I loved more than anything else left me after 8 years of relationship and when she left I spent  the initial few months trying to help myself out of it, I used to say to myself that I am powerful enough to handle all these and kept going. Which is going to be my biggest mistake as I thought that I was solving all the conflicts where as I was just suppressing it inside and it was teasing me each and every day. It's been 3 years since we broke up and from that point till now I have changed the most. Mood swings are so rapid that I am completely unpredictable even for next minute. Sleeping, eating, working patterns all are disturbed, while going through all of these things final incident blew the hardest right inside my mind as 4 months ago my Grandmother died, 
After losing everything she was the only hope I had and now as she is gone I forgot how to cry, how to express, the only thing I always have on my face is smile, which had become the biggest burden as I want to cry out loud to empty myself out of all the heaviness. I used to had a lot of ambitions but now I just want a peaceful mind free of all the conflicts always taking place inside.

Loss

**Mr. What If's**
I'm sure some of you have already  read a little info about my life...
How will they, my family,  accept me if I haven't accept what happened to me 12 years ago? ...

How will they accept that I'm a victim of homophobic rape incident? ...
It sucks whenever it comes to my mind...
Yes I was abused by my older cousin, he is 10 years older than me, and it keeps on getting into my nerves whenever I see his fucking face...
They knew that he was mentally retarded but they do not know that he is only pretending...

I just wanted to kill him...
This should not happened to me...:C


Bipolar Disorder

it’s possible i’ve become addicted to your touch. it’s all i crave. 

3am Thoughts

I am feeling down. I find out my brother having a girlfriend had sex with my cousin.

Anger Issues

***Trigger Warning***
Hello, this might be a long story but it's something that I've been keeping to myself all these years and it's getting harder to live with it weighing down my shoulders. If anyone who reads this has some advice for me, I'd be really grateful.
It's been 9 years since my dad touched me in his sleep. I was 11 then and my family lived in a small apartment so we had to share a bed. One night, my mom was finishing up the laundry while I lay down next to my dad. He was already asleep so I just lay there next to him and tried to sleep as well. Suddenly, I felt hands touching and fondling my chest and thigh and I remember turning my head to look at my dad who still had his eyes closed while his hands were on me. I didn't dare move, though I don't remember why. I was still so young and knew close to nothing about the situation I was in. All I knew was that what was happening to me was not right and if I told anyone, there would be major consequences. I woke up the next day and everyone acted like nothing happened. I remember observing my dad and he acted so normal and carefree that I just knew he didn't know what he did the night before. That was the first and last time I was ever touched in that way. I don't remember how long it lasted. It felt like an eternity as I lay there nervous and scared, waiting for it to end, but in reality it probably only lasted close to 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes changed my life forever. After that one night, my entire personality and relationship with my family shifted. Instead of my carefree little miss sunshine self, I became closed off and would always opt to be alone. I rarely spoke to my parents unless it was necessary and being alone with either of them was too hard for me. People started to worry about me and my sudden shift but in the end, they probably just decided that I was going through a phase that most kids at that age do. A lot of time has passed since then and my relationship with my parents has arguably gotten better- I talk to them more now and can spend quality time with each parent individually. But it still does not change the fact that I was unintentionally molested by own father. Until now, I have never ever spoken of it with anyone. I never told my dad in fear of absolutely destroying our already damaged relationship (damaged to me but I'm sure it's not damaged to him). I never told my mom for obvious reasons; she would freak out and that would definitely have serious consequences on my parents' relationship. I never told anyone else, especially people that my family is close with, in fear of ruining my dad's reputation. My father is the nicest man I know, it was just an extremely unfortunate time for me to be laying next to him in bed while he was probably having a wet dream. 
All that being said, I've been keeping this whole story bottled up to myself to protect the ones I love. However I can't deny that it's been eating away at me slowly but surely. Now that I'm 20, I'm wondering if this unpleasant experience will pose a problem when I get intimate in the future (I've been single my entire life and have never gotten intimate with anyone). Typing this out helped me a lot already and I feel like I can breathe again. Thank you for reading my story.

Relationships

Okayy. Ummm. So my childhood trauma has been with me constantly. I am not over that things yet. 
And now a days i keep thinking about that. My cousin used to molest me . Like he used to touch me inappropriately so many times and i was lil at that time. It happened from when i in 5th class to 10th class. Whenever i went to my paternal house it used to happen. 
I have came in contact with these sexual things since i was a child. I didn't know what was wrong or right. So when it happened to me i didn't restrain. I didn't say NO to him. 
And one day he kissed me . Maybe then i realised how disgusted i was. I'm writing this holding my gag right now. I brushed myself i scrubed harshly all over my fave and body. I hated that. Why did it took so long to realise that.
I couldn't say anything to anyone in my house because i think it was my fault. I never restrained him. I never said NO to him.
Now my mom talks to him . And he has the audacity to make joke about me about me being fat. Or me doing anything. Me failing my exam. And everything. He calls my mom. Sometimes video call and i swear that time when i have to hear his voice and see his face i want to kill myself that very moment. I want to kill myself.  I hate myself too too much for this.
I think myself of such a whore who couldn't say no to him. Was it my fault?
I hate myself for this till date. And the things i have done because of that. Because of not knowing what is wrong. Because of thinking it's not wrong. It's okay.
Even after that so many people touched me since i was lil. It all had happened when i was in 5th or 6th. Someone in the train. Someone in the bus. Some brother of my friend. Too many times at that young age.
Every now and then i remember those horrible things. I wonder why i remember that in such details.
I hate myself to the very damn core.
Was it my fault?


I have feeling for my maternal cousin sis what should i do

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts