Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hi Doc,
Narcissist abuse + sexual + all sorts of psychological and emotional abuse, all my life. My family, partners (exempting one, I’m not sure of)
Bad patterns of self sabotaging, self harming and self destructive behaviours. Got to know what the f is all this (not all but got the idea of it like two years ago at 25 and i didn’t sink in after I made the same mistake of letting back a toxic partner who i barely had let go after the rages and isolation and shit happened (i was even in a unknown City, no friends no family, not their neither to talk to) and then i got love bombed after about 6/8 months he wanted back. I made boundaries, he broke them slowly (in the matter of two months) and back to same shit but this time he’d adapted and was in his home town so he started stonewalling and making me invisible as punishment and what not ( and the rages happened but they got less, breaking of things and abandonment happened but less and then one day I picked up my education again (on YouTube and Google and wherever I could understand my state and his) i did all the relationship shit was given online, to communicate more, not talk as you’re blaming them, don’t make it about yourself, listen and what not! before I started educating myself about mental health and psycology. I know now what he’s been doing, what he did when we were friends and i was in a physically abusive relationship at 17/18 like he was probably a sociopath or something because it was baaadd!! Anyways, i don’t want to put too many words here because there are some predators here as well who read people’s dark and vulnerable stuff and come and spew that on every post they make next. Like someone kept asking me I’m i okay am i still burnt? (After me posting of a person’s story, detailing few instances of how someone abused me and how they once put my head on the stove and threatened me to burn me and then lit the burner and put my face there for a sec, ofc i didn’t write it in such detail but i mentioned it as an example and for the past month or so, on every other post there’s this anonymous person who promts that and yeah so not gonna write anything in real words and detail about any of this, i apologise as it might not be able to capture the gravity of my situation) anyways, i wanted to say that my mind is full of anger, negative thoughts and disgust for this person (my partner who love bombed me back and manipulated and gaslighted his way back in my life) and does his bully - victim - bully thing with me. It’s the same sorta behaviour of my mother as well. So idk how to grieve, and not be attached to it? Or am I normal not to be able to do this till he lives in the same house as me, sleeps on the bed next to me and still baits me, and i keep falling for it. I stay angry, and then I’m completely a fellow human being if he hasn’t done that for half an hour and i become polite and absolutely let my gaurd down and he comes at me when I least expect it. I’ve lost all my life, ambition and like the last thing as well - the will to live. But I can’t again try suicide because it does nothing and i now have a lot of shame because I’m sure u get it by now the people I’m surrounded with ( especially my family, my mother & brother, the bully duo I’ve had to deal with all my life and an absent father who says he loves me, he gives me money to pay my rent and keep food on my table and I’m more than grateful for that, i could never not be but even after he knowing what my mother does, after facing shit himself. He just always flipped on her side the moment I asked him to do something or day something or if I’d take it to him what they did all day and how horrible it was for me. He takes a second to detach ) I’m unable to decide or even understand is me not going no contact worth it for my dad, who doesn’t even care or see what all I have to do so he isn’t left alone and have no one to even talk to about things. But I can’t share shit with anyone of them but like a stupid fck when they are being nice i talk and then they Gaslight me or deny me my reality and it’s over there & then. And i know now, the people I’ve been with (romantically) have just been people like these and me trying to make a difference but the results and end is always the same. I’ve changed myself for them like people change clothes, becoming everything, accepting and doing things, i oppose. Diminishing my needs to nil. But now I’m turning the tide slowly, not for anyone but myself. But I fail everyday. Every hour tbh, and then i have so much shame and anger and disgust again and it’s so hard to reset. It doesn’t stop affecting me, their actions and everything abusive they throw my way. I can’t just fucking ignore them and move with my life like they don’t exist. Especially this guy because i know it’s gonna take a long long time for my family dynamics and a lot of more education. And grief seems soooo far. I still haven’t got the time to heal from my previous abuse and my own mistakes and my own self. I’m so bad for myself, even when I know better. It’s like I can’t get out of this survival mode and the worst part is i can’t stop being a friend to this guy or just a helpful fellow human, where at the same time he’ll do the least and expects me to keep being his personal assistant, maid and everything in between and also he doesn’t talk for days and then he’ll come with his net of an half ass apology for horrendous things he’s done and also his own pretty version of it and when I disagree and name even one thing clearly he starts a fight and denies everything whil accepting what he decided on that day he’s gonna accept and then deny that too and says without even saying directly that i was an abuser to him. And for what? There’s nothing except me not being his girlfriend 9 years ago when I was in that abusive relationship and he’d be like we’re best friends I’m here for u and when I’d share stuff he’d begin raging and manipulation and ask things of me I couldn’t give and I’d ask him to leave. And so much more. Don’t know where to begin and how to stop giving a fuck and shaming myself, guilting and always being apologetic while he uses that to keep me here helping him thru whatever he needs and have no fuckin life. Please help

How to forget someone

This is all bullshit, “just be yourself.”

My boyfriend makes me feel as if I love him any less. He doesn’t seem to accept my way of loving him. I’m feeling insecure about it now. I think he doesn’t feel complete with me.

I had a friend. We were good friends long time back like we used to go to classes together and it was a pretty good friendship although not like close friends but good. But sometime later due to some issues we were not that good friends and no one talked about it upright we just grew apart. Last year I lost that friend to suicide. It shocked everyone. I could not attend his funeral as I was out of town. I do not know what I was feeling like numb or what I don’t know. I didn’t even shed a tear like I know I am a person who would have cried. Idk why this is happening…it makes me feel like I am not a good human or like the worst person to be a friend.

How to know me? How to process emotion?

Ma’am I want to forget a person whose thought are constantly coming to my mind whatever work I do…
Please give proper solution for it…
I just want to focused in my work, didn’t want any kind of disturbance in my mind.
I want to forget like I never met that person before…