Want Break from life and go far way where no one knows me and live there and come when I feel to be back

Life

From the last 2 years some bad things happened to me like health issues, work related, break up . But every time when bad happens to me i was strong to face that but nowadays some kind of fear just set up in my mind that some bad things will happen.that bothers me very much. 

Anxiety

Feeling terrible. I am socially awkward & feel so alone in my personal life - not many friends who want to hang out with me. Two years of pandemic has messed up with my social skills. A romantic relationship seems like a distant dream in this dire situation. Stuck in a job I don't really like, but afraid to change my career path to the one I think I will get contentment. Things seem to be better at times. But then one negative thought and boom!! I find myself at rock bottom..amd I then I pull myself together to start feeling better, but I again spiral down. And the cycle repeats. It is so exhausting being stuck in this cycle 😭😭

Depression

Just feeling useless 

I never realized how traumatizing these past few years had been to me untill now that i’m finally out of it. Things like driving past my old school cause me anxiety and i always feel like i have to look away, i threw away all of my old clothes bc putting on the same coat i used to wear to classes everyday made me feel gross. I can’t look at old pictures, I can’t listen to certain songs.. it’s actually painful and more than anything it just makes me feel super uncomfortable. People around me have noticed that i’ve changed a lot in less than a year, im almost i unrecognizable, idk what happens but i’m so glad that it did bc now i can finally say that everyday is better than the day before, i finally feel like i’m moving forward, even if my steps are slow they’re consistent, it feel so good to finally be myself again, im so grateful to finally be okay but idk if it’s normal or right to not want to remember those times at all, like, i can’t remember them and my brain had basically suppressed all of those horrible memories and erased all of those horrible people from my life. 

Other

The space asks, 'what are you feeling?' I don't know. Maybe I feel stupid and sad. Also, I feel like I am too bad for this world. Why do I feel all these things? Why do I feel all this jealousy and never ending competition? I have pushed all my friends away because of this. I was hurting them by showing off what I have, they were voluntarily/involuntarily hurting me in other ways. I literally no friend even to text to. I see people posting pictures with their friends, texting and replying back, I feel very lonely at that time. I wish I had someone to text and reply to? What made me this bad? How do I change myself? The medicines for brain made me feel dead. I no longer take them. I try to distract myself with something or the other, but for how long can you distract yourself? 

How many of you have ocd here?
How do you deal with it!!?
How are trying to recover from it and become like a normal person  ?!!
What helps you please ease please share!!

Feeling sooo hopeless … exhausted … just tired with life… just no one to rely on … entirely given up on life .. dk how to overcome this… 

How do we tell the sea that we are drowning on land ?

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts