Very long rant.
TW // Murder and blood mention
Today I had a dream I believe it’s a message, can’t really say from who. It has been draining me all day and the headache that it caused me was quite painful.
It causes me tiredness even to write this down, but I know I have to sort my thoughts now that is all fresh. Writing always makes me feel better afterwards.
The dream started with me and my big sister in an uknown apartment, when suddenly a boy I never saw in my life and that is not less than 20 yo entered. My big sister, MC, stabbed him out of the blue. Next thing I know, I was pressured to hide the body and his things; my mind was accelerated thinking of ways to clear the scene and from the nervousness of getting caught. I was saying to my sister that it might be not too late to save him, we have time to take him to the hospital; she was reluctant about it, saying there was no other way. I was throwing his things in the trash, and looking at him I was saying sorry repeteadly; he barely clinging to life kept saying it was ok. He was so calm… then the settings changed to one of my houses, specifically the one I was living with my big sister for a while. It was dark, only a yellow light coming from the right was on and my sister and his bf were in front of me. They were big. I couldn’t see any of their faces because of the darkness but I surely knew who they were. I can’t quite remember what I said here, but I guess it was something to do with the murder. MC said to me if I wasn’t in comfort living there I could go to my other house with my mom, was staying or leaving. Funny thing was that she was re-arranging furtniture while she spoke and she putted up a photo of my mom and dad. Even crying I choosed to say because I did not want to come back to the life I was under my mom’s, but in the end I gave up and ran back home. It was a very dark night. Once I came to the house, there she was; my mom was in the kitchen, like usual. My other sister was in the living room, studying with a friend.
I went to my mom crying like hell was falling upon me. She was my mom but she had a tattoo on her back of a colorful bird surrounded by branches with white flowers on them, odd but not quite since she always said she wanted a tattoo there to cover her big mark there. That’s when the dream became scarily real, never felt something like that ever in my life. I truly believed that was my reality. I explained to her through tears that my sister murdered someone and I helped her hide the body, and my mom just kept saying it was ok. Then I started screaming and crying so hard so bad, I have to admit it was a relief because I wish I could do that in real life. My sister didn’t say anything, she was in shock truly.
Then I realized I was dreaming. I was still crying and saying I wanted to wake up I was pleading to wake up. Closed and opened my eyes but nothing, received a punch but still nothing. I was really shakened up and desperate, believing that it wasn’t a dream. Silly as it sounds my mom said “just trust god. pray now”. Closed my eyes one more time, putted my hands together and gathered all my force to ask to wake up. Kid you not I felt myself waking up and it was… something.
I went up thanking god and started crying like crazy. My mom went to comfort me, I told her everything. I was vulnerable in front of her for a long time and I hugged her like three times, which is not something that’s me to do and honestly I’m quite upset to do so. I still have quite a resentment and some anger towards her accumulated from all the years of living under this house with her and I don’t really like showing myself vulnerable, yet I was there doing so.
It just had me thinking… I have my reasons to feel what I feel and think what I think, I know this resentment has been killing me inside for years and sadly it became bigger. This dream putted in perspective the moment I had to choose who to live with and I went to live with my big sis for a while, but in the end I had to come back to live with my mother since my sister grew tired of me. I putted things black and white back then but after that I saw my family for what it was… a big bullshit.
I admired my big sister and looked up to her more than anyone, it really crushed me how she didn’t care about what I had to say and just made me go back to what is my house now. She even sent me a “friend” to look after me because she really thought I was going to kill myself. What a fucking joke.
Anyways… here we are. Here I am in this complicated situation. Can’t really change the past and I don’t want to, it shaped me and it made me realize and see things. The only thing constantly holding me back and making me fall back into bad habits it my inhability to forget emotionally what happened and my big resentment of my pain and experience never been acknowledged properly. I wanted my mom to finally understand my version of things, apologize and work for better. I don’t want anything more. I thought I never would forgive her after going through so many disappointments, but I’m even willing to give her a 3rd? 4th? chance… yet she failed to me, couldn’t reach that. Saying things that I’m being delusional, I was manipulated, constantly saying her depression and anxiety makes her sometimes act like that which I can understand that justification but I can’t stand her not really doing anything else to compensate it for herself or for us and just victimazing herself, saying my sister is batshit crazy and that she’s narcissistic… I can go on but not point to it.
Still, kept blaming her for all the shit I’ve been through but even if some of the reasons are her fault the real culprit here is me. I have to own for what I did and the actions I took and take, can’t leash everything to one person or even to all my family; can say I took that from a recent living experience and became clear in that dream I had…
What to do honestly… things like these makes me think I’m really delusional and exaggerated.
Some truth of what my mother said is that her good actions do have some weight to compensate the bad ones, I don’t expect a parent to be perfect at all. I just wish she could stop repeating the same story to everyone and herself and she could actually listen. And about my sister… can’t really say. She straight up shitted me, yet I still cling to her a little so I can’t bring myself to have any anger towards her. I think is because with her I was more free and I could feel her care for me more directly ig, very selfish from me isn’t it? Emotional maturity hasn’t striked me yet.
I still don’t go of this resentment because I letted it go once and it came back to me even worse. I depend emotionally on it basically I depend on my mother, in a good and a very bad way. Which sucks to realize. It falls to me the reality of my “independency” which I never truly achieved it yet.
I’m trying not to have shame on my actions and really own them as best and constructively as I can. I admit my affection today towards her was real, I feel shame for the fact I don’t think she deserves it since it feels like I accepted completly what she said of everything and say she was right all along giving her less space and more authority of me. I feel shame for the fact that if I had the option I would live with my sister again even after I know she is not genuine as she portrays and I would still have to come back to my mom anyways.
I said earlier this was a message from angels or spirit guides right? To be honest I can’t figure out what are they really trying to tell me, I can take different interpretations ig… I don’t believe the bullshit of everything black and white in the situation of Who’s the worst, they both have their goods and bads. Maybe is because things are starting to go south with money and now festivities are starting to approach, the worst dates of the year…
As for now I will just let things flow as they come. I have to form courage to take action otherwise I won’t survive the world out there lmao.