Home / Thoughts / Ummmm…i don’t know where to begin or even what to...
Self Harm Trigger Warning
Anonymous

Ummmm…i don’t know where to begin or even what to say…I guess I should start with the fact that i started to injure myself. I’ve doing things to myself for years now, they weren’t so obvious tho. For example I used to suffocate myself or to try to drown myself while taking a bath. Then I stopped for a while and now I did it again . I started cutting myself. The worst thing is that i tried to talk to my friends about it but they only said that i don’t have a reason to do it . Now that I think about it they’re right. I mean it’s not like I have a serious trauma like abuse or rape. I’ve been through some shit but it’s not that bad.
When I was younger, I am 16 now, a man masturbated in front of me. And it was horrible, I was so afraid that I froze for a few seconds. I didn’t understand what was happening, luckily I ran before anything else happened. I felt humiliated and to this day I still remember that feeling.
At school, the same year that the incident I talked before happened, a boy was touching me, my breasts and was making fun of that. I was also stressed because of my high school entrance exam.
Before I started high school I’ve been involved into a physical fight with a group of girls. They were insulting and humiliating my friend and I tried to calm the situation down but it didn’t work and then my friend ran and left me alone with them and they started to mess with me, I ran I soon as possible.
After that stressful time things got better until the whole pandemic situation happened. Honestly my introverted self wa kind of happy staying at home and not talking to anyone but I guess it really gets lonely. I have to admit that solitude gets addictive; after seeing how peaceful being by myself is, it got really hard reconnecting with my friends. During the school year that has began I started getting into a lot of conflicts. First with my ex boyfriend, now with my friends and there’s also the relationship between my parents that got worse. I also have to deal with a lot of homophobia in my country, being bisexual .
I also drink too much for my age. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it , sometimes it’s the only thing that helps me relax.
So…I started hurting myself. I don’t really Express my emotions because I always have to be the calm one, the one who solves everyone’s problems, the one with all the answers, the one who always does the right thing and all these expectations are just exhausting. When I make a mistake everyone just blames me for everything. I HATE IT. I HATE THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. I HATE THAT I AM SO WEAK. I HATE THAT THE MOMENT I TRIED TO GET HELP I WAS TOLD THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY REASON TO HURT MYSELF. I ASKING FOR HELP. I HATE THE RESPONSE I GOT. I JUST HATE BEING SO PATHETIC.
I hate that I actually think that they’re right…
P. S. English is not my first language

1 Comments
If you or somebody you know is currently struggling, please please please take 10 deep breaths and reach out to somebody. Here are a few of the many resources available
Post anonymously?
g

Hey Pal,

Its natural to feel pathetic about everything, right or wrong, favorable or unfavorable when you are hurt or traumatized with the incidents you described. But one thing for sure I want to tell you is do not consume hard drinks to relax for a while. Not because it is some bad substance but it makes us weak in such times. Drink it in happy times rather than bad times.
Its easy to say please be positive but I won’t say that. You would have done that already if it was possible. All I can suggest you is to talk your heart out with people you feel will listen you. And let them know explicitly whether you want any advice or suggestion from them or you just want them to hear you. Just speaking out your heart a 100 or thousand times will rescue you from the situation. Do not try to escape those moments which made you feel so. But acknowledge the fact that there are all type of people around you, and let it assimilate within yourself. Sex is not bad, watching sex is not bad, but sexual abuse in all forms is bad and a crime.
What has happened has happened. But collect yourself, think about possibilities on how you can get stronger and protect yourself from such elements. Find out 2 categories of people on earth. 1st Those you know surely love you and 2nd Those you know don’t judge you. Just be in touch with both the categories of people. You will find happiness.

I might sound weird, but when we cry we want to cry more. There is a point when we stop crying and then we feel why I am not able to cry anymore. That feeling dissolves somehow, but we still wish to cry.
On the other hand when you are happy or laughing and if it doesn’t last that long you dont worry about it that much. You feel its natural.

But try to do opposite. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Experiment that once.
Don’t ruin yourself for others pleasure. Fight it hard, fight it strong.

And cheers alas. Nothing is bad if you do it for your pleasure. Don’t do anything to escape a situation.