Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

TRIGGER WARNING.
Dear A, I can’t believe I’m putting my story about you in this category. It’s going to be a year day after. A year since I got the call at 4 am. Since I shouted at H that he was lying to me. Despite almost two years of your coma, I somehow had faith you’ll wake up. I got to know at 4 in the morning, but I remember not crying till late at night. When I actually saw your body being put in that glass casket. I remember my parents telling me that you’re in a better place. I remember swearing at everyone that said that, in my head. I decided to go for my 8 am lecture that day, thought it’ll keep me busy till the rest of my friends woke up and found out. I smoked 6 cigarettes outside college that morning, all before the first lecture. I didn’t say a word as I walked to class, but I remember almost passing out on the very last step before I could enter. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast this morning, but I remember that day as if its been etched into my mind forever. I remember waiting for T to wake up, dreading having to tell him or his parents. Sitting at A’s house for 3 hours, waiting for everyone to reach Delhi, get together. I remember the first thing I said when I saw S was “I don’t have any clothes for a funeral.” We laughed so much, people around us thought we’re crazy. The drive to your house was hell that day. You know how many memories we have in your house. The last time I was there before the accident in 2016, you made me have 8 shots to show your mother I have a great capacity. The next few times I was there, you couldn’t talk but at least you were there. How were we supposed to walk into your house now? Who were we supposed to call out for? All those childhood pictures we made so much fun of you for, were now all I wanted to look at for hours. I remember running out of your house that night, unable to sit through everyone talking about how crazy this is. As always, everyone sat inside, while all your friends sat on the road chain smoking. We’ve always been this way, haven’t we? The misfits. As bad as this day was, nothing compared to your final prayer meet 4 days later. I still shout at you in my head when I think about it. How dare you leave us all like this? We’re just kids. How can we lose our own friend so soon? T kept saying “I’m going to join him. He’s alone wherever he is. He needs me to help him roll a joint.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I cried. A lot that day. And a little bit everyday for a few months after. But now I’m better A. For you. I’m trying to look out for everyone for you too. Getting a little extra drunk at every party, for you haha. Anyway. I don’t usually talk about you. But here, I know its out in the universe, yet nobody can see me as weak. That’s a messed up thought, but I can’t help it.
Miss you everyday. A little extra this week.

Love you forever