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Started off thinking positive, thinking about more hours available at work. First thought, more income equals less stress right? Wrong… Instantly followed with, well if I work more it’s really going to be difficult to maintain energy. I feel like I’m already struggling enough as it is with the medical problems that I have.(hyperthyroidism, supraventricular tachycardia, fibromyalgia, hypermobility ehlers-danlos) not including the mental health issues I have.(Diagnosis-complex PTSD, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, panic attacks) Next thought was if I work more the state night take away the small amount of food stamps I receive every month that allows me to be able to feed my children. Because you know, after being molested, raped, neglected, and feeling unloved and unwanted as a child I went seeking that love in the arms of a horny teen boy. Not that I’m not responsible for my choices in life Ending in having 5 amazing children. But making it very difficult, and a financially unstable situation for myself and the people around me. Which is also a constant feeling of guilt. Next stop was if I work more am I actually making a profit? So at 2am in the morning I set out on figure out the math. Short answer is no…What it came to was depressing. After everything is all said and done, I realized for everything I do at my job the profit comes out to about $100 a month. That’s not living, that’s not even existing! It’s a joke! I’m literally working my life away just to pay somebody. Which of course because I have mental health problems sent me into a downward spiral. Feeling like, what’s the point of getting up every day and doing this over and over again? “Feeling suicidal at this point” so then after feeling that way for a while and realizing it’s 4:30 in the morning. I decided that masturbating would be quick fix to my problems and allow me to relax and go to sleep. Of course I was wrong… Because unfortunately, as I know all too well masturbating instantly makes me feel extremely lonely, empty, and creates such deep feeling of sadness that I instantly burst into tears after reaching climax. Which sends me into an even deeper downward spiral. That spiral ended in an interestingly complex thought process about how I kind of wish I had the ability to normalize suicide. Thoughts on that…I don’t feel like I should have to feel guilty about wanting to end my life when I didn’t choose to be here in the first place, but I got left with all the damage and scars from my parents not being prepared to be parents themselves. At 16 years old I was left to just try to find my way through life with an extreme amount of fucked up, upbringing that I received through my childhood. Leading to a dysfunctional adulthood with massive mental health problems. Pretending that I’m all right, pretending that if I just try a little harder, if I just stay positive, that someday it’ll get better. But I know many, many years ago it never really truly does get better for somebody in my position. You can have moments of happiness but, in the long run there’s really nothing to look forward to. So at this point I’m laying in bed at 5:46 in the morning wishing that I was dead. Wishing that I didn’t feel so alone, and wishing that I had somebody laying here next to me that I could wake up and tell all these frustrating feelings too. Oh yeah and I have to be up at 7am to pretend all over again. Sorry for misspelled works and bad punctuation. I was feeling manic and needing to get it out. Really just seeing if there is others out there that feel the same?

3 replies

Dear Foxfire,
I am amazed and filled with massive respect for you and for how you have taken control of your life with such grace. I don’t mean to pressurise you into feeling responsible for being the poster child of fighting against all odds, but that’s who you are to me. You’re a literal warrior. I think if I were in your place I would feel the same way you do too. I know it can be exhausting on some days to not feel hopeful, to feel as though life isn’t really headed in the right direction or doesn’t seem to be reaching a good place. But life is often unfair. It is attainable but at what cost? At the cost of our happiness and time? I wish I knew the “why” but I don’t. And all I can say is that you’re not the only one who has felt the need to just escape. Or the need to release. Maybe what I’ve been through isn’t even a fraction of what you have gone through. Nonetheless, I know what it feels like. The helplessness, the seemingly impending doom. But through it all, through situations we feel we cannot control, there DOES come a day, where it’s just a little better than yesterday. And then another tomorrow that is better than today. I know the whole positive thinking bit seems like a scam, but that scam strangely works. For me, I allowed myself to grieve and feel my sorrow for a finite period. After which I decided that I will force myself to rise above and feel better. I knew there was more to my life than that episode. Probably 2 very different things, but I guess all I want to let you know is, that it does get better. I don’t know when. And not all of a sudden, but one day you notice one of your blessings, and the next day you don’t even realise that you had a good day in the longest time. Just hang in there, you’re a beautifully caring mother, trying the best for her children. Every parent is trying to achieve the same. You’re a good person, on the right path. I hope your job works out for you, and that you’re able to figure out the best kind of employment that brings you a sense of comfort and reward.I’ll keep you in my thoughts, Fox, take care. I know you’ve got this ?

Deepanshi @deepanshigupta0

Hey. I wish I knew the “why” but I don’t. And all I can say is that you’re not the only one who has felt the need to just escape. Or the need to release. Try to be positive. Power to you.

Khushboo @khushboo

Hi, i can feel you. Even everyone faces the situation. Overcome it and stay positive. More power to you.


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