Today I feel confused. Me and my ex have ended things long ago and we ended on good terms meaning we’re good friends she stopped taking to everyone for a long period of time and I started to miss her. Just today I had a dream where she was at the beach will a tall man with crooked teeth and they were kissing each other. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I don’t know if I miss her or if it is the feeling of being in a relationship. I’d also like to add it’s a long distance relationship.

Relationships

I recently realized that there's no certainty in life; anything can happen at any time. Often, things occur that you never even think about in your dreams. Life encompasses much more than just trivial matters. Like seeing your close ones on their deathbed, where even with your strongest desire, you can't do anything. Witnessing your loved ones fighting for their lives in front of you, only to eventually succumb, is extremely painful. It's incredibly challenging to return to your normal self after they're gone. Every moment, their memories haunt you. I've recently come to understand that without your parents, no one truly belongs to you, and if your parents pass away, you live as if dead. You become dependent on others, unable to assert yourself. You're compelled to conform to what people say. While some claim that one doesn't die with someone's departure, they are right in the sense that as long as a person is physically alive, but in reality that person is dead from inside 

3am Thoughts

Hii .. i iam 24 yr old , my family members thinks that i am not yet ready to take my decisions , whenever i need to go my anywhere brother drop me off they think that i cannot go alone , they dont let me drive car and not even let me ride motorcycle.. what should i need to do??

Depression

I am starting my fitness journey and pushing to get my life back on track. I’ve gained about 50lbs from my depression and desk job and really want to get control of my life. I got my gym membership and hve been a few times but I want to start going at 4am before work and looking for any motivation or any advise.  Advise on apps for workout plans or meal plans or motivation or anyone that is wanting to do this to we can motivate each other . Just wanting to make this public so I can hold myself accountable and finally do this. 

Affirmations

So,  I am in a friends group and we're 4 peeps. We met 2 yrs ago and then only after meeting each other, our 'friendship' started there. It's like in the starting 6 months I was feeling very good and cool around them but at the same time low on confidence and self hatred was filled into me because they used to make me feel like that by saying, for eg: 'You can't date that man, pri' or 'You have to be like us! see how everyone so much love us 3 guys'. But in that period of 6 months, I didn't realise that they were the one who were making me feel like this. And when I realise this thing, I distance myself from their plans and stuff to avoid them. And then lockdown happened which helped me totally to avoid them and trust me, I was very happy and i gained so much confidence in that time period. But then in April 2020, i told them that they were being very toxic to me (as they were not knowing about my realisation), and we had a fight! and i was very happy tbh. But then after sometime in August they begged to me and appologised to me, so I became friends with them again but this time with much cautiousness. And few months after this appologising thing happened, I again realised that they have not changed and they're still as fake as they were before. I was not feeling good again when the school started whenever they were around me, idk i just wasn't happy around them when i should be becos they claim me as their 'best friend'. And whenever they were not coming to school or i'm at my home, i used to feel the happiest and real. So this was my background story with my other 3 frnds, now today a thing happened which has made me cried and unstable much (but i am already anxious due to the covid situation but anyways). today is bday of one out of these 3 friends, and the other 2 frnds are pestering me with calls for pre planning her bday cake and more gifts and stuff. and literally they have posted insta stories and have made videos. Now why i am feeling mad is becos my bday was in January, and none of them even wished me like at 12 am or made stories or vids for me, and i can care less about them, but why are they like forcing me to participate in the pre planning of the bday person and if i am ignoring their calls, i am the rude one in the eyes of them. And the thing is that i can care less about that person's bday, but then in the memory videos the other 2 frnds have tagged me in it and put my pics, vids in them, and i feel like rude to not put even one bday story for that person who has bday, so i put it and i also answered back their call (which was for the cake thing), and i was playful and chill with that friend but she seemed like very low ig becos i didn't answer her calls, and then she said that 'today is her bday and we have sent the cake to her place' and i made a joke (tho serious remark) that why don't you do all this on my bday? and then she said that 'it's not like that' i very disinteresting tone, and then she hung up the call saying that she has to sleep. I felt bad after that and i deleted the story from insta which i put before calling her. and now i am feeling like very rude person to made that remark and then to delete the story:( honestly i don't want to even talk with them, i want to get out from each every social media group that we have made for four of us, i want to leave those groups, but then i feel like:  how i will do that? how rude will i get? and they don't understand me and they'll think that i'm sucha overreacting person? trust me, if you've read so far i very much appreciate it, and i would be very grateful if you can help me:(((😭😭

Anxiety

Is anyone out there?
Is someone reading this?

I've written my suicide letter. 

So if you're reading this, I no longer walk this earth. The decision to take my own life wasn't an easy one. It took years to get to this point. It's June of 2022. Currently, I am sitting in my bed, unable to sleep. I have an opening shift tomorrow at 5 am. Outside, the wind is howling, and rain is falling. I feel pressure in my chest from the anxiety that has plagued my life since middle school. When I look into the future, I see nothing but more pain and suffering. I am so alone with no one around who understands me. I am scared to leave my apartment due to these intense feelings of anxiety. All is lost for me. 

I can't live in this world any longer when every moment I breathe. I feel intense emotional pain. My heart is shattered. I am alone in the dark. No one will come to save me. I've been here before, but this time, it's different. The thoughts created by my depression are right. I will never find a love like I once had. I will walk this earth alone with this pain until the end of my days. This is my punishment for the sins I've committed.  

If you ask any of my exes, they will tell you how I never envisioned myself getting old. This is because this was fate. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe you will be able to figure out the why behind my actions. 

No one thing in my life contributed to this outcome. Yes, I experienced a traumatic event when I was younger that changed my life and everyone else around me. My father wasn't there for me when I needed him the most. I didn't receive the validation I needed to grow more confident in my abilities. I grew up very alone and isolated from my family. I've always been alone. I can't remember when I was happy for longer than a month. I've fallen in love a few times, but it always ends tragically as I've never learned how to maintain my relationships. I've played the game of life for 30 years and have failed miserably. I've made every mistake you can. Yes, my life could be worse, but for me, it's unbearable. I can't continue living this life alone and afraid. 

Gabriella. I made many mistakes in our connection. Know that I truly loved you with everything I had in those moments. The experiences I had with you were unique. At the same time, we didn't get to do much towards the end due to covid and my worsening mental health. I was falling into depression even before that night. I needed you to hold me more than anything. I needed your love. I know you needed mine, but I wasn't myself during that time. You were my person, and I was yours. I hope in your heart you forgive me one day. I pray that you will find someone that will treat you as you deserve and provides what you want out of life. Thank you for the experience you gave me. I'll forever love you. 


Mom. I love you with all my heart as well. I have trouble showing you this love as I do with most people in my life. You've always made sure I had a good life. You were always there for me, even though I feel like you may not have understood me as anyone ever understood me. Nothing you did lead to this outcome. This is my choice, and I am genuinely sorry to put you through this pain. I love you. 

Brianna and Gavin. I am sorry I wasn't the most incredible brother ever to you. I could have been there more and supported you guys. Just know I loved you and wish nothing but the best for your futures. 

Grandma and Grandpa. You were always there for me. I love you guys more than you know. Not sure I would have made it here today without your support. I am sorry for putting you through this pain. I prayed for you both every night. 

Ryan You are the most fantastic person I've met on this earth. You've always been there for me through thick and thin. We've had good times together and dark times, but in the end, you were there. I love you, man. I hope you and your family have a long and fulfilling life. Thank you for everything. 

Everyone else who helped me and tried to pull me out of the dark, thank you. My partners throughout my Starbucks career added a little fun to my life. Thank you for everything. 


Lastly, I want to reiterate that no one's actions made me come to this decision. While yes, if certain things didn't happen, maybe I would have bought myself some time; ultimately, this was to be the outcome. I wanted to create a family with someone I loved, but I now see that this will never happen. Please know that I did try. I took various medications, psychotherapy, experimental treatments, and lifestyle changes. This life that we live isn't for me. I am sorry again to anyone who've I hurt. I hope one day you will forgive me and understand where I was coming from. I may go to hell for committing such a great sin. Who knows, maybe once you die, it is nothing but darkness. I hope I don't suffer, but then again, every day on this earth is suffering.


Suicidal Ideation

I'm feeling like Hritik Roshan from lakshay movie, one day I want to be that other day I want something else. Fuckkkkk what is my lakshay idk man!!!??? Me aisa kyun hu! Me aisa kyu hu?!!!

So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyy 👏👏👏👏
Your jobs a joke, you're broke
Your love life's doa

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