This week has been tough, the stress of everything has led to some bad memories and emotions coming up. I have this constant feeling of wanting to tear my skin off and just get out of my body. I’ve always struggled with low self-esteem and hatred toward how I looked, but I think this might be different. When I was young I was raped by a family friend, many years have passed since then, but I think it may have something to do with this feeling. Along with this, when I was no more than 6 or 7 my uncle molested me, multiple times. I have also struggled with on and off depression, erratic moods, and self-harm since my teen years. This all lead up to me (as a teen) becoming extremely active in online communities, I got close to one girl, who later committed suicide and blamed me. After that, I was shunned and got death threats until I left that community, during that my only support was my boyfriend at the time. I had started getting sexually active by choice at a young age, around 14. Two years later the relationship ended suddenly and badly, leaving me to fend for myself. During our breakup, he insisted that I was abusive, selfish and that I was a terrible person. I believed him and tried to better myself, only ending with my self-esteem getting lower and lower. Even now I’m still struggling with these issues, not believing I deserve companionship or life, and this want to just leave my body. I don’t know how to sort out everything and how to react to them anymore. I just want everything to stop and for people to understand and not give me the whole, “Aw, don’t feel that way” crap. I want peace and to just be ok.
I think you need a break. I won’t say “don’t feel that way”. It’s ok to feel like this. And you can also survive this. You seem a very strong person and I have faith in you.
Go on a solo trip maybe. Try something new or don’t try anything. Just relax for a while.
Write down your feelings, do some introspecting maybe… Start loving yourself