This text is going to be very long since I am going to talk about something which lasts about 4 years and has gotten worse from time to time. I have never talked with someone about it. I’m afraid to, because the problems I have are really stupid and weird. I’m actually really sure that no one has experienced it yet or know how to cope with it but I will post this anyways.
Tw//Suicide/Depression/Insomnia
So, let me start from the beginning: I had to skip the 7th grade bc of my good performance in school. That was the point where everything started. I was bullied and called nerd. They made me feel like an outcast. During that time I lost a lot of friends and felt so lonely. I let my grades drop intentionally so that they would stop calling me a nerd and all that kinda stuff. I just had two friends back then. One of them moved and changed school after 2 years. And the other one decided to live with her dad in America. (I live in Europe)
There I lost nearly everything. I had no one, everyone had left me. I got depressed, my grades dropped and I had suicidal thoughts. I didn’t want to live anymore. No one would care.
Then I became familiar with Stray Kids (a Kpop group) who helped me a lot through their music and messages. But I somehow tried to cope with it alone and started to develop really weird, let’s call it ‘habits’.
My thoughts are really toxic. I can’t control them and they really destroy me. Always, when I feel fear, I connect really weird things to it. That’s why it is hard to get rid of this mechanism. It is difficult to describe but I always doubt the things around me as the trigger for my failure and feelings. Because of this I can’t rlly concentrate on anything since 2 years. I’m afraid to not be able to concentrate and bc of this fear I really can’t concentrate. It’s so stupid. I begin saying that I can’t do it bc of this noise, bc of this object in my field of view. It’s horrific.
I’m also a perfectionist and let disrupt me from small things. The problem is that I can’t forget these stupid thoughts so it is constantly in my mind. This fear controls me. Bc of this shit I also suffer from insomnia. I guess I haven’t slept longer than 6 hours for almost 2 years now. Thoughts are just really hard to control when there has been developed a -in my case bad and wrong- structure and routine.
I think that’s it for today. Maybe I will continue this story bc there are a lot more things to tell but I guess I will end it here.
I’m so thankful for every single person who has read everything up to here and hope for a response. Thank you!
Deepanshi @deepanshigupta0
Hello! I must say you suffer a lot, but don’t suffer more. You have to come out of all these. I know sometimes only small small things make us feel angry, irritated, sad and sometimes depressed too. Try to calm yourself i know its tough when you do it. But only you can do it, right? Don’t loose your hope. And try to adjust with the things around you which disturbs you or just remove it. I know life os difficult and everyone has their own difficulties but we sho2know how to handle them. You can also take ssomeone’s help some counseling or something else. It will surely help.
I wish you healthy life ahead.
Khushboo @khushboo
Hi, thanks for sharing this with us. You are really strong that you suffered all this. Please stay calm and have a healthy life ahead.
Hi, I fully understand your problem. You have to understand that everything is in your head. None of your thoughts are real. When I get horrific thoughts, I do everything I can to make fun and interesting things to keep my mind occupied. I know it sounds clingy, but when I bad thoughts are stuck in my head, I imagine that I take all these thoughts and lock them in a chest and then throw the key away. Somehow, my unconscious takes it and it makes me believe that I am not allowed to think about it again, because I locked them. If this doesn’t work, then that means that YOU DON’T WANT IT TO WORK. Another thing I do is recording my thoughts every time I have them, but at the final of every recording, I add one thing I am grateful for, or that one reason why I am still alive, one thing who saved you from killing yourself all these years. You are stuck in your mind. But something you don’t know is that every thought is as irrelevant as our existence as individuals on this planet. I am gonna tell you the last secret. the. art. of. not. giving. a fuck. and realizing that we are all gonna die in the end.
Sorry about this! I don’t know what to say to comfort people and I know I said only dumb and unhelpful things! I am here for you, no matter who you are! Also, I am a kpop stan too and I would like to talk to you more! You seem like a very nice human! STAY alive and STAY awake!
First of all I want to thank you for your response. I am going to try out your advices in the future.
‘every thought is as irrelevant as our existence’ Hm, I actually don’t agree with that. I believe that there exists a reason why we live and why we were born. I’m not religious or something like that but nowadays one single thought can change the world. It just needs one decision, one change to make a big difference and have an impact on something.
But except for that I agree with you and think that you’ve helped me!
You also seem like a very caring and good human being. If u wanna talk to me more, I will [s]end u a link [t]o my Twitter [a]ccount. If not, I’ll wish [y]ou a healthy in advance.
*healthy life
