Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

[this is gonna be a long message]
Since I’m 6 some part of me wanted me to be a girl…instead of a boy.
I’m a 20yr old guy, writing this now, to ease my heart from the desires that are impossible to have.
When I’m 6, I saw a middle-aged woman drying her wet hair with a towel.
Something sparked in me…I was staring at her for minutes…like I saw something very beautiful and I tried to imitate that with a towel around my head put up as a bun at the back of my head.
I liked it. Felt like something I should do naturally…not secretly in private worrying whether others see me.
Then I started observing girls, women…what are they doing…how are they doing simple things like talking walking gossiping every day…
Most of all I liked the long hair, very long thick braids and huge hair buns.
Whenever I see those…I strongly feel that I want to have such hair…braid my hair…wear it like women…cherish it.
But I never told anybody…maybe even though I’m a child I feared this would undermine me and they would shame me for feeling like that…whatever the reason I kept shut!

I was growing…and my desires are growing with my age…I would feel that only a girl with good hair is pretty…most of the time and I couldn’t keep my eyes off those pretty braids I see everyday. Braid is so pretty when it’s only thick.

I’m straight and I like only girls(sexually)…and this makes it difficult to see a girl and to see myself as a girl at the same time…however that’s what I wanted.

But it’s not the only thing that I can think about all day…I was a good student…I had many crushes in my school and college…whenever I think about them I won’t think about me being a girl.

In teenage I started to daydream in my free time…the story goes like…
-
I was studying in school…suddenly my hair grows up to knees in seconds and scissors can’t cut’em…nor any knife nor anything…these hairs are un cuttable.
So I run to my home pretending to cry but jumping inside with happiness…and everyone finally understands the fact that I have to live like this…so from next day my mom braids my hair and sends me to school…since I cant sit with boys with my ‘girl’ head of long folded braids with ribbons…I had to sit with girls and they take me in as friend…
Sooner I develop breasts just as hair…and I would wear complete female dresses from next day…
-
Seems childish right!..well I was a child then.
there was another daydream where if I cut my hair it grows back twice the length everytime I cut it so we had to stop cutting at one point.

But it’s not just about long hair…it’s about how women wear long hair…how it becomes a part of her identity…and how she lives with everyday…i wanted that.
sooner or later I felt the same about whole female body too the same way but still today I feel more love towards long hair and how women feel more beautiful with it an I want the same.

But as I grew…these desires grew to the point where I’m wondering how good it will be participating in sex as a woman.

I know it seems too much to even write here about it…but it is what it is.

I recently developed a habit of browsing photos of long hair in internet extensively…so the desire nowadays is very high and consistent.
so it’s growing in a new direction of sex.

and to be honest…I’ve fantasized about that too…like receiving intercourse as a girl…with a man.

And I don’t know how…when I start daydreaming, I somehow manage to get into my role very strongly…and I developed a habit of daydreaming sex as a girl with some dude having no face.
I crossdressed too…but unfortunately, nothing in my home fits me…so couldn’t do much.

I really don’t know what is keeping me hooked to this “thought” or “desire” that I have.
Why I’m like this.

The confusion starts here…
after some “girl” days…where I daydream about being a girl…
the next day I lose that desire completely and come into boy mode where I don’t understand anything about why I want to become a girl…

I can’t think why I’m like that …it’s like a 180 degree shift in my personality…an another half identity.

after 20days of girl mode in june…I got disgusted feeling one day and I came to boy mode for 2 months…again somehow girl mode for few days…and another 1 month of boy mode…
2 days back again girl mode is on.
I gave myself a name …Deepika.

I almost went to my mother and planned to share my long deep secret and my future plan of transitioning…i was in girl mode then.
But I thanked myself for not saying her when I suddenly came into boy mode…because who knows what I’m gonna be with this toggling in my identity.
And I may regret it for there’s of my life if I share this carelessly.
That’s what I did…i told my two friends when I was in girl mode in june.
I told them in chat. And they seemed very confused but they’re open minded and trustworthy.
i told them that I’m okay and have no such feelings from now when I came to boy mode at the end of June.

I talked to some therapists online also…where I got not perfect solution my problem.

And the biggest problem came when I got a question out of confusion…which is:
" Am I really wanting to be a girl or I’m thinking that I want to be a girl since I like only girls?
When I say I like girls, do i like them sexually or do i like them to become a woman?"

Sorry for poor sentence formation…i hope you get what I say.

My point is, after all this journey and self-exploration…i still have doubts and confusion on the fundamental clarity i suppose to have.
and all this makes me think like am I turning into gay since I’m fantasizing about intercourse with somefaceless dude?

tbh…i don’t even know what to write here to make my situation more sense…

all I know is…i thought i needed the escape from reality and live in my daydreams at least some amount of my time and feel happy.
But these daydreams are starting to confuse me more and sometimes the emptiness i feel plus confusion of what i am is literally soul crushing.

And at the same time I want to be woman sometimes. Even now that feeling made me write this.

When I see a woman speaking literally anything I feel relatable somehow…about even a tiny little aspect of her…i feel similar…that i same as her.
I hope what I said made sense.

Thank you so much for reading all the way.
I wrote this to find someone who really gets what I’m talking even though they don’t have same feelings as I have.
So I hope I can get to talk to that person.

Thanks,
Deepika.