Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

This is about my relationship that i am in right now…
So this started 7 years ago in school, he was my senior, we were selected in a song group and sent for competitions so it was very much like a trip for us…
Before the trip during practice sessions is when I got to know him and soon we became really good friends and were together all the time, fast forward to the trip where we grew closer and by the end of the trip we became a couple and till now he is the best.
I am a Hindu and he is a Muslim at that time I didn’t understand the risk and seriousness this relationship was about to get.
As one year marked our relationship we celebrated and soon it was new years when his parents were out for few days and we decided to have night stay.
But as my parents were so strict i had to lie to my dad saying that i got selected to a painting exhibition and needed to go for a trip, my dad was so happy because he was always proud of my talent for art 🎨.
To execute this plan my bf got me a phone in which we used to speak for hours and hours…
When the day came his guy friends came to my house and asked my mom’s permission to let them take me to the competition trip.
New years passed we had a very special time together… We bonded, but as few months passed my parents caught me with the phone and all the lies…
My mom and dad were so sad and felt betrayed by me that my dad called me a prostitute because few guys picked me up and then I stayed at my bf’s place… They didn’t speak to me for almost 1&½ years… I saw my dad cry couple of time because of me which broke my heart…As of my parents are very religious and narrow minded and we are from Kerala…
I was so sad and guilty that pushed me to the edge to end my life… I tried and tried but just couldn’t, all this time my bf always was there for me never complained never made me cry…
As my school ended and I took the following year off for NEET preps me and my parents grew very close despite everything I did…
My dad did everything to make me comfortable… Bought me all sorts of books to help me study, he bought ne laptop… He bought me online course which costs around 1 lakhs just to help me out, when I couldn’t do well in neet he still motivated me and helped me prep for all sorts of other exams…
This one year at home I got to know how much my parents loved me and along with it came the guilt of cheating them by still being with the person they will never approve of… This guilt made me distant from my bf…
When surprisingly I cleared the neet but still the marks was not enough for me to get a government seat my dad said he is ready to help me study dentistry in management quota…
Now if u don’t know what that means… In government seat all u pay is around 1 lakhs per year but in management quota its more that 20 lakhs… Which is like a fortune for us and my dad was happy to do that for me despite of everything I did in the past and all the pain I caused him…
This brought me to the edge to the point where I felt like I was doing a sin still being with the person with whom I hurt them so bad, that’s when I decided I should breakup with him…
My bf through all those years was always supportive and we actually never ever had a fight because he was so mature and so understanding… But for me that 2 years were like hell because every now and then I used to get criticized for cheating mom and dad and even though he was sweet and always tried to be there for me it always made me more irritated and exhausted with this relationship…
When I broke up with him he was really sad and depressed but he was very understanding knew the amount of pain that my parents got because of our mistake and after everything I have been through.
After breakup… 1 year in college…
I started missing him so bad to the point where I got depressed, so contacted him as a friend which didn’t last and we got back together…
After few months all these guilt rushed back in and i eventually broke up with him again…
Few months went by and i missed him again and again we were together, again after few months I broke up with for the same reason…
This thing made me sexual so frustrated that I hooked up with a stranger and later cried out of guilt of cheating on him…
Got back with him again after few months… Again broke up…
This continued 5 times…
After few months again he contacted me and now we together since one year I have this guilt in my head…
Every single time I got back to him he accepted me with open arms…
It’s not all because of the guilt of my parents… It’s also the fact that he is slim and short and I am fat… Basically double in size than him and the fact that he is a Muslim and there is rarely a chance of future for us…
I know I am a toxic person for him, but can’t help to fall in love with him again and again…