This has been one of the worse months this month for me. That sounds very “woe is me” but I’ve learned that sometimes letting it out is one of the best ways to cope.
My apartment has had a pest problem, which has cause me to have to find other housing temporarily. In the same week, my car had a major issue, and broke down.
Having had to leave the apartment, caused me to have to stay with my family, for which we have some tensions. I’m 27, and having to move back with my family makes me feel ill at ease…however I did appreciate the help. I however don’t get along with my mother’s boyfriend…but put that at rest for the time being. I feel that triggers my mother and we butt heads a lot. I have a lot of PTSD when it comes to things that have happened between us and our arguments. The anxiety looming over my head when she gets upset and I don’t intentionally try to makes me very anxious, but at the same time very angry sometimes aggressive when I try to defend the fact that I don’t do things on purpose to make her feel a certain way towards me. We argued… And. One particular day we argued in the morning and it caused me to feel very negative…and I am a negative thinker…and I for the life of me…try to have days where I feel positive…but it makes me take some time extra to make me feel good. She says Im inconsiderate about using extra time when I was trying to hurry and didn’t realize a certain time. I would have been out of her way anyway b a certain time. She usually is very defensive of her boyfriend and I feel I shouldn’t respect him because he hasn’t shown me much respect. I have an eye for an eye type thinking…not good but I see that in retrospect. I try to make her see things my way when I know I wasn’t trying to be a certain way or take advantage. When this happens I become agitated and anxious and wish she would see how I really wasn’t trying to be inconsiderate. She didn’t like that I looked to see the source of her frustration…her bf… Because he will not confront me…but will utter and mumble things to my mom and make her handle it when it comes to relaying messages to me. I feel that he should say what he has to me directly And if he becomes disrespectful, I will match his tone. Anyhow this led her to say something along the lines of " it’s time for you to go" referring to the fact that I must leave …when my apartment was not ready and still being setup. Moments like these make me feel hopeless and powerless…and brings out my flight or fight response…And sometimes I choose to fight…In that I argue my pov and hope that the person on the receiving end will listen to me. I have and acknowledge this is a problem with me…and only now as an adult because as a adolescent and teens I would let many things go over my head and was praised for my maturity, when in actuality… I’m feeling so anxious and self-defeated I rarely ever stood up for myself. To bad friends…to my father who molested me. Anyhow with this, I find that I try to make up by those mistakes And it makes me seem hostile and angry…although yes I am angry… People perceive me a certain way. Deep down I know I’m hurting but it’s coming off in negative ways.
Again, this month has brought out the worst in me…I have argued with my brother who has called me crazy for stating and ranting about what my mother had stated about me. Being called crazy triggers me, which he did…because I feel my feelings are justified. He pretty much shot down my entire argument…and we got into a physical altercation. I was jailed for the night. And await a court date.
My apartment was half-assed treated but had to move in. And everything is hitting me at once. It saddens me…but instead of just seeing this as bad happenings in life I really do wonder if this is some type of karma…for whatever reason. I know that I am human and make mistakes…but it always seems I am horribly chastised for them…I don’t know what people see In me that makes them believe that I am not deserving of second chances…and I also believe that my job lends to the fact…I work ina school where I am constantly called out for any little mistake which makes me so anxious to do anything at work because I might do something wrong.
I will try to find another job …save to find a new home…and I also need a new vehicle…I also wish to try to pursue my bachelor’s…I have an associate’s…but as a single woman…I feel that life is against me sometimes…I’m aging…27…but seems old to not have my life together…And my dreams of what I wanted to do artistically seem very far fetched…and I have tried to steer myself ina different direction…nothing is adding up for me right now…I don’t see that many others are in the same boat as they say…I feel hopeless and alone…and if this I karma…then I feel I shouldn’t be alive because some force ails me to off myself because I’m worthless…or I could be doing woe is me…who knows…
