Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

^this felt somewhat traumatizing to me so I added it

I can’t stop thinking about my “ex” and feel regret about the things I let him do to me the only night we hooked up. I knew watching movies with him would eventually turn into something, but I didn’t want it to get to the point that it did (all clothes off to the point of almost having sex). When he started taking my shirt off, I stopped him. Then he took his shirt off and eventually I gave in and did the same. I realize now that the emotions I felt for him and being in the heat of the moment made me do things I wasn’t exactly comfortable doing. I did speak up by saying I didn’t want to go “all the way” in the beginning and brought that up again when he mentioned that he had condoms.

One thing in particular that still traumatizes me is that he asked to remove my underwear but I had no clue what he was going to do. After he kept asking me, I let him and then he started fingering me. I was extremely uncomfortable, but I didn’t tell him to stop.

I felt like I barely knew him and the fact that I let him see me in that state makes me feel sick. It was only our second date and I didn’t feel like I had the right emotional connection and trust to have sex with him. It’s sad because that night felt pleasurable to my body so I sometimes think back to it because I want to feel those sensations again or when I’m hearing friends about their sexual encounters. He was my first kiss and “sexual encounter” so I have nothing else to base off of too.

After that night, he stopped talking to me as much and I could see him losing interest in me. When I confronted him after a month, he asked if we could still be friends. I held onto that but eventually just stopped talking to him altogether. I have no desire to know what he’s up to or be friends with him now. I want to say that I’ve moved on, but my body misses the emotional highs that he gave me. It’s been months but I still think about him everyday even though I don’t desire to talk to him anymore. I just want this feeling to go away badly.