There are two parts of me that exist at any given time. There’s the part of me that’s happy, engaged, and (relatively) secure. Then there is the me that has to face the uncomfortable reality that people are often tolerating me. I don’t mean to say that people hate me, exactly, but that maybe they love or enjoy the person they wish I was rather than the person I am. Of course, if it makes their lives better, I’m willing and trying to change, but I have a very short term memory and will likely go back into my routines sooner rather than later, especially as my former self.
I think that’s why I often torture myself; to keep me grounded, and to try to remember why it is I’m feeling this way in the first place. However, knowing me, I have little faith that it will last.
I don’t like sharing my feelings. I’m too easily overwhelmed and prone to crying. It’s also really easy for people to get tired of hearing me or think that I’m doing it for attention or to avoid problems.
Fuck, I almost wish that was the case. At least then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain.
The worst is wanting to share but knowing what will come of it - dismissiveness, annoyance, anger, spite. I’ve been so overwhelmed that emotional pain is the only thing I can see, and it’s bleak as hell. I’ll cry my heart out to nothing and no one and while the logical part of me knows someone cares, the emotional side of me thinks that’s a load of horseshit.
And I’ll be saddled (oh boy, a pun 🐴) with these problems for as long as I’ve been saddled with them so far: the rest of my life. All I can do is learn to cope.
And that really, really sucks.
Everyone wants to support people who are mentally ill, but no one really wants to live with someone who is. It’s exhausting shit. I get it. Call me a narcissist, selfish, deflecting, I’m both fine with it/understanding and pissed off for my sanity, but I live with this duality every day of my life. I’m tired, too.
You know what you are doing and how you are feeling. You also have the solutions to your problems. A mature person I must say. Just do things that satisfy you and you know deep down that you are doing it right and in the best capacity.
Just one thing, never try to change for someone so that they start liking you, it only exists for short term and in the long run these people will not be by your side. They know that you are changing for them hence wouldn’t value for who you are. Rather be the original version of yourself and even if 1 person stays by your side it’s better than those 5 people whom you wish to like you.
According to the tags you have mentioned, i suggest to have councelling sessions so that you feel better than having mood swings frequently. There is no harm, right? Like every other problems this one should also be treated and for your better only. :)