Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Sooo i need your honest opinion guys and girls about this situation because i found this too hard to tell anyone in my life about it but its way easier to tell strangers about these things

So since i was 5 i had a crush on childhood friend … even my family were and still are friends to her family
They come to my country every year for two months (which is their holiday)and these used to be the best months of my entire life
Now im 20
Lets say she confessed to me when we were 12 as a part of truth or dare game (we were kids come on)
But that day gave me a little ray of hope that things might end up well in the future
But the world is cruel not everything goes the way you want

Years have passed…we didn’t change but i felt like our friendship started to get weaker and weaker but this motivated me to get things back in the right way …after that we were so close might even closer than childhood days but even that i still had a feeling that she hated me back in the past at some point thats why our friendship became weaker at that certain period of time
These negative thoughts hunted me like a curse to the point i gave up about confessing to her (when i was 17)
But instead i found a girl with 3 years age gap that loved me more than anyone and told her friends she had a crush on me (one of them showed it to me as a secret) but time have passed and she cheated on me and sued me for things i never did “behind my back” which gave me trauma (i still have trauma from my old friends talking about my back which made things worse)

… after she got exposed for what she was doing she was telling me she hated me because she hated her old personality and started to spread weird excuses…so… after some of our friends gave up on her she felt bad (or at least pretended to feel bad) and wanted to get back to me and she admitted that she feels selfish doing that but she is doing it anyway so i refused for my own good

Now lets get back to my childhood friend
She isnt taken and i broke up with that cheater for sure… and felt like this is my chance to confess my love for her FINALLY and to be a man
Note:she never knew about my relationship with that cheater
(now im 20 and she is 19)
I did…she thanked me for how much i cared about her but she told me politely that she only sees me as a close friend and she really trust me but doesn’t have any feelings towards me
She doesn’t have a boyfriend yet but im sure she doesn’t want me around either way but there is no reason for that
I panicked
I cried
I lost all of the hope in life
I even have suicidal thoughts
She was everything in my life
Everything i did… everything i worked for was to end up with her
You might call me a clown but it was my dream
Idc about money or fame all what i have wanted in my entire life was ending up with her even after i became popular among the girls in my university and i have a lot of female friends
THEY ARE NOT THE SAME AND NO ONE CAN REPLACE HER IN MY HEART
Even when i was with that cheater i still had feelings that im doing the wrong thing

Now i feel like i dont have any kind of motivation or goal in life anymore

And my family make things worse i can’t take it
My mom never asks if im ok and never understand if i cant tell her things which are private im my life
She always scream at me and say i have to go train in my father’s pharmacy (i just passed my first 2 semesters in university and i only have like 2 weeks holiday…and its too early for this training)
They are using me so i can help my father in his pharmacy before even graduating
They never understand when i feel depressed or when i have a bad day
And i dont even have a room for myself i share my room with my little brother

The only place where i can feel i have privacy in which i can release my tears is the bathroom