Sometimes kuchh incidents aise waqt pr hote hai jab apke pas uski samjh nhi hoti. Aur bad me whi baaten samjh ati hai, regrets aur dukh hota hai aur fir wo puri life k liye ek trauma ban jata hai. 

Like engaging in.  s e x u a l    activities with someone?

3am Thoughts

Sunday + Jamshedpur Temperature 🥵

Climate Change

me being capable of showing affection??? being capable of committing?? of reciprocating love??? i wish. 

Na janee itna dard kyo deta hai yeh pyar....hasta khelta hua inshan be  dua me maut manghta hai 💙

Depression

It crazy everyday goes by and i dont see the fun in life. It just the same thing everything. Maybe i just too lazy for this world.



Exhausted

Yet another night when you’re trying too hard to keep the sanity. Reminding yourself how strong you’ve been all this long. But you hear the voices in your head, telling, may be tonight, just tonight, you’re weak, you’re shallow, you’re timid. And may be tomorrow you won’t be this, but let it sink that in this hour, at this point, you are. 

The doctor who lived in room next to me , she had been asking for holiday for last two days as her father was sick but ..she finally got off from covid duties and same day she got a call that her father passed away. Her father had liver disease and covid. She called me I went to her room and I hugged her. She first stood still and then began shaking so bad and cried so badly that I got teared up and began crying with her. It's very very painful and she was Screaming "BEING A DOCTOR I COULDN'T SAVE MY OWN DAD",  she said that she couldn't even see him once.... and to be honest most people don't realise this but yes we sacrifice so much for our duties. This is just one example. Yet news of assault on doctors like it happened in Assam recently breaks our morale. My all family got positive last year in first wave.and I was here doing covid duties. I was dead worried and yet I didn't get a day off. I was told to find a replacement first which I couldn't get. Then I would only instruct my dad on phone about what to do. And when my covid duty finally ended my dad had already recovered. I missed my nephew's first birthday. On my own 26th birthday last year I was doing night duty and my friends got a cake and I cut that in ward and distributed rest to patients admitted. 
I just feel like people of this country should visit government hospitals if they haven't already and see how we work . It's hard. I don't want any praise or be like you guys are hero.
No I don't want that!
I just want .. ALL MY FELLOW INDIANS to ask more part of GDP to be spent on healthcare.
More money to be spent on better infrastructure for hospitals.
In covid duty one of my patients fever won't go down. So I thought about changing antibiotic. The antibiotic he was on was ceftriaxone and sulbactam , I tried changing it to piptaz the nurse said piptaz is not available(NA) , I asked for clindamycin again NA , I asked for meropenam she said doctor only ceftriaxone is there. Nothing else. I felt so helpless. I kne meropenam two vials come for 800 rs so I asked the patients husband to buy it from outside he came after 30minites saying it's being sold for 5000 outside. So after my shift u drove to medical shop and asked for it and he gave it to me for 800 and then I got so mad at him and I said if I send my patients family members here don't you charge extra! 
Then finally meropenam was available at third floor icu not at my floor so I would send a ward boy to steal it from there for my patients.
Doctors in india go beyong limits for their patients it's not just me. Especially resident doctors in government hospitals. We don't like to be called godS but just please if you see a doctor getting assaulted step in , save them before it's too late. ! Many are planning to leave India and settle abroad and trust me without doctors and health care india would be nothing but gobar and gaumutra. 


COVID-19

I'm crushing hard on someone who I barely know. We met three times in a group discussion and talked a few times in our Whatsapp group. I don't know why but every week passes, my feelings get stronger. I can't stop thinking about them and I cannot focus on my tasks anymore. like I'm getting crazy! I don't even know if they are attracted to me or if they are single. I have social anxiety and I was acting extremely weird in our meetings. like my tongue would get frizzed when they are around and I cannot talk or do anything because I'm afraid that I mess things up. I'm so scared of getting rejected so I cannot message them and confess my feelings. Also, if I get rejected, I cannot attend our group meetings anymore because it would be so awkward. I don't know anybody else in that group so I can't ask for help.
I don't even know if it's appropriate to ask out someone I just met 3 times and don't know each other very well. I'm so overwhelmed and confused. I don't know what to do. I can't do anything else but think about them, and this drives me crazy!

Relationships

Anyone up to chat one to one? Feeling so alone 😞. Wish koi hota baat krne ke liye. 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts