Sometimes I don't feel like being a Christian (Catholic? Idk the deference, something like both idk) I feel to busy and tired to go to church, I feel too piled up with stuff or lazy to just pray or think about god.

I only think of him when I need him and that's what puts pressure on me because I know that's bad.

Sometimes I feel like I should just stay away from just everything until I sort my shit out idk get past this rough part in my life where I'm under pressure of school, the future and my mental health is at the "what's the point" state.

Does anyone know what the hell i should do? Mass is too much adding on school or mentally trying to have days where I'm not in school, I just want to be free  and I don't have mucu faith in god all the time, there are small periods of time where I feel like god really helps me because I know God had helped me pull through the first term of my exam year but I just feel like I can't handle all these churches, a sacrament I have coming up or just trying to regularly think or believe in god.

I just want to have a free mind from it all idk ugh

Exhausted

hello people 

Caregiver

i know you aren't good for me, i know that i am better off without you. i know that the last half of our relationship was toxic... yet you moved on without hesitation. i see the photos of you and her out and i feel this pit in my stomach. the pit of thinking i am never going to find a person who truly cares about me and will be loyal. the years, the dedication, the energy, the love, the patience was all for nothing. i was used and used until i had nothing left and now i am too scared to love with all that i have to give. while you, you are out there with her and i can't help but think back to our early years of friendship and all those times my brain yelled RUN. the truth is, with all you have been through... you don't know to love and you use people to make you feel whole. when they get too close and they get sick of your excuses, you throw them away and you berate them with manipulative bullshit that causes them to think they are the issue. how could you? that's the question that i replay in my mind over and over. you used me and i was only good to you... i did nothing to deserve what you did and you're off in love again. meanwhile i am left to drinking the gin that i have hidden away in my room to stop my brain from spiralling. 

- S

Anger Issues

Hey peeps, good morning. 
How many people lost their love cos of fear of their parents . ??  
I curse my self everyday that i didnt have courage to standup for me when needed .. 

Breakup

I have learnt my lessons that if anyone said something to you whether it is bad or good, just agree/don't say anything because people do not care about your opinions/suggestions. They want their accusations agreeable by all people.

Social Anxiety

Is it bad to suck my stomach in at my house, and not eat much there, but feel comfortable to be me at school? Isn't it usually the opposite? 

School

World is full of hope and happiness if we start living instead of worrying.. 

Compassion

I really love him but i also feel like it is better to break up coz we are so different from each other and moreover if something happens in future and we need to break up then it will become even more difficult

3am Thoughts

The doctor who lived in room next to me , she had been asking for holiday for last two days as her father was sick but ..she finally got off from covid duties and same day she got a call that her father passed away. Her father had liver disease and covid. She called me I went to her room and I hugged her. She first stood still and then began shaking so bad and cried so badly that I got teared up and began crying with her. It's very very painful and she was Screaming "BEING A DOCTOR I COULDN'T SAVE MY OWN DAD",  she said that she couldn't even see him once.... and to be honest most people don't realise this but yes we sacrifice so much for our duties. This is just one example. Yet news of assault on doctors like it happened in Assam recently breaks our morale. My all family got positive last year in first wave.and I was here doing covid duties. I was dead worried and yet I didn't get a day off. I was told to find a replacement first which I couldn't get. Then I would only instruct my dad on phone about what to do. And when my covid duty finally ended my dad had already recovered. I missed my nephew's first birthday. On my own 26th birthday last year I was doing night duty and my friends got a cake and I cut that in ward and distributed rest to patients admitted. 
I just feel like people of this country should visit government hospitals if they haven't already and see how we work . It's hard. I don't want any praise or be like you guys are hero.
No I don't want that!
I just want .. ALL MY FELLOW INDIANS to ask more part of GDP to be spent on healthcare.
More money to be spent on better infrastructure for hospitals.
In covid duty one of my patients fever won't go down. So I thought about changing antibiotic. The antibiotic he was on was ceftriaxone and sulbactam , I tried changing it to piptaz the nurse said piptaz is not available(NA) , I asked for clindamycin again NA , I asked for meropenam she said doctor only ceftriaxone is there. Nothing else. I felt so helpless. I kne meropenam two vials come for 800 rs so I asked the patients husband to buy it from outside he came after 30minites saying it's being sold for 5000 outside. So after my shift u drove to medical shop and asked for it and he gave it to me for 800 and then I got so mad at him and I said if I send my patients family members here don't you charge extra! 
Then finally meropenam was available at third floor icu not at my floor so I would send a ward boy to steal it from there for my patients.
Doctors in india go beyong limits for their patients it's not just me. Especially resident doctors in government hospitals. We don't like to be called godS but just please if you see a doctor getting assaulted step in , save them before it's too late. ! Many are planning to leave India and settle abroad and trust me without doctors and health care india would be nothing but gobar and gaumutra. 


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