Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

someone please help me out. i dont know whom to seek for help.
i am in my 12th RN and I have jee mains in 2 months and i am really bad at problem solving RN i think i have decent iq and i am not a terrible student. i remember details extremely well like things from when i was 4 etc not all of them but ig enough to say that i dont have a bad memory i have always been having trouble with math and i wanted to learn phy and math so i took pcm in 12th and ever since ive joined the pressure of jee and iit didsomething unexplainable to my mind i was constantly underperforming and i sonehow went into a trance idk wtf happened its almost as if i was in a deadly cycle and its november now. i have my notes of 2 years missed a bit here and there but i have all the notes now . over the last 1.5 yrs or so peoples taunts failing expectations of myself and this guy that i liked every single fucking day i only used to think abt him and abt his words i also thought of other stuff but no matter how much i tried i couldnt brush off his thoughts i always imagined whar it would be like if we got married and pursued our dream career and i kept dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. he got into iit and i still kept dreaming. i feel like such an idiot ive tried eveerything to make myself stop thinkiing abt him but in vain ive made concious efforts like slapping myself everytime i thought of him and what not. i never told him anything directly cuz i dont want to date him RN and he definitely does not want to as well. when i asked hom when would he want to date he said he said late 20s whatever.at the moment my complete focus is on mains but once i gave it a thought my life when i start engg and i did not like it all it felt weird like i dont really see myself enjoying doing math and phy something that i initially planned to do. i feel as if ive made a blunder by choosing pcm i just dont know maybe ill like it id but if i dont i dont know what to do