Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Some days are decent, where I can laugh and actually mean it, and some days, especially today, has been unbearable. And writing this post just make me more upset because what I feel is so stupid. I have friends and family who have gone through hell and yet smiles like nothing. And just the thought of that makes me feel irritated and embarrassed of myself.
It started a few years ago, these feelings. I had a girlfriend who started of as a friend of mine. I dated for 3 months and then she broke up with me. It broke me because i thought i did everything correct and for a whole year I blamed myself for the breakup. I believe she still had feelings for her ex and i could never be him, and that always destroyed my spirit. After a full year of these feelings I met someone at my work who could actually distract me enough to forget those feelings. It was during the summertime and I was working at this restaurant, an hour away from me. At the start of the summer i didnt notice her that much. I would notice her but she didnt notice me and i was used to that. One night ,my coworkers and I went out for a drink after work. I invited this girl out but she had other plans. It bummed me out but i wouldnt give up. The next time we went out for a drink after work i made sure to ask her a few days before so she hopefully wouldnt make plans and join us. It worked actually. That same night we went to someones house and drank there. I started to talk to her and noticed something. I wouldnt say im good at reading people but this girl. Her eyes told me everything. I asked her a pretty personal question. She seemed pretty defensive at start and i didnt want to push her. But at the same time wanted to let her know that i was there to listen to her and maybe lift her mood up. She opened up to me a bit and i felt so happy. Later that night, she was a bit tired and was planning on sleeping at her friends house. So i followed her home and on our way home we went to a kindergarden, joked around and went on to the beach were we went for a swim. By that time the sun was on its way up and we watched it in silence. I ended up following her home and sleeping on the bench outside my workplace. After a few weeks we were planning on going out to drink again and i asked her and she told me she had plans. It sucked she couldnt join so that night i got quite drunk and started to text her. I told her i had a crush on her since the start of the summer. She agreed on going on a date with me the day after. We went to the same beach as previous and had a picnic. We watched the sunset and talked until 2am. As we were packing our stuff up she asked me if i had any place to sleep and i told her i was planning on sleeping at the same bench as previous. She offered me to pass out at her friends place with her since her friend wasnt home. i accepted and one thing led to another. Days passed by and i became more and more in love with her. This is were i fked up. I had this idea that we would start to date and have a relationship so i rushed the idea pretty hard on her, making her uncomfortable. It ended up with us not talking for a few days. on top of that, I was gonna move away for college, an hour away, making the situation even worse. I tried to convince her that it would work out but she didnt want to try. A side note: She was 3 years younger than me. I knew that by having a relationship with her i would destroy her future. Kind of holding her back and not letting her have a good time at highschool. This completly destroyed me and shattered my spirit. I thought for the first time i was good for someone but i was terribly wrong. When i moved away i was devestated. I got drunk everyday for 2 weeks straight and texted her sometimes, where i wrote her what i felt but she ignored me. I was equally embarrassed each morning as i woke up. i managed to hold out for a couple of months and one dreadfull night, in the midst of november, I couldnt hold it in anymore. I sent her flowers through mail to her home, which i know was creepy. I also wrote her a letter in which i apologized for my behavior. for the rest of the year and until the next summer i was in hell. It didnt go a single day were i wouldnt think about it and what i could have done to avoid those results. I ended up getting a girlfriend. She might have been the perfect girl for me but something was holding me back from being happy with her. It ended up with me breaking her heart over made up excuses, not being able to be a man and tell her that i had feelings for someone else. In hated myself for doing that to her and i regret every single decision ive made that led me to dating her. She still doesnt know the truth but still didnt blame me for the breakup. She was super friendly and wanted to be friends but i couldnt do that to her. I knew she still had feelings for me so i had to cut all ties with her.
The summer was coming up and i worked at the same restaurant. I wasnt planning on working there but my boss called me and offered me a jobb because they were understaffed. I accepted and was expecting that the first girl wasnt going to work there because she didnt want anything to do with me. But she did work there. I had to watch her almost every single day and not be able to say anything to her for an entire summer. That was the worst summer of my entire life. Every single day was an internal battle. I wanted to quit my job, i wanted to end it all, i wanted to just dissapear and never be found. Later that summer I also found out that one of my best friends at work had hooked up with that same girl and it completly destroyed my trust with him and my heart. At first I was mad at him but i realized that that wasnt fair. What she does and what he does wasnt my buisness. But it killed me from the inside, knowing that I didnt mean anything to her anymore. I also have strong beliefs that she has someone else that is occuping her mind, maybe a previous ex or crush, the same situation im in. That thought made me realize that im not good for her either. Im not good for anybody. Right now im sitting at my school, 10 pm, writing this, because im scared to go home to my friends. It hurts everytime i fake laugh. I’ve been smoking weed every day for the past couple of weeks, at night. It helps me forget the pain for a couple of hours and sleep at night. Because if i dont smoke at night the darker thoughts comes out and im scared that one night i wont be able to deal with it anymore. Right now suicide has been occuping my mind alot. I know i wouldnt be able to execute it but I always think about what would happen and how much easier it would be. An easier and faster ending. I tell myself that i could never do it to my family and friends. But every single day I care less about what everybody would think and feel. I strongly believe that some day I will move on but at the same time i strongly believe i wont survive for that long to see that happen. All this sounds so stupid when i think about it. I shouldnt be feeling like this for a so small incident but i cant help it and thats why i hate myself more than anybody else in the world.
This is the last time im talking about this. After this post im never talking about this to anybody else again. I do believe i deserve this for everything ive done, every bad deed ive done, for every heart ive broken because of my selfish reasons. I deserve this.