Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

So yea !! This my first time using this kinda apps. I tried to vent out to my Frnds but somehow the convo is diverted and made out about themselves. Hope this helps

I was in a relationship for past 5 years and it turned out to be toxic, I came to know later that he used me as his side chick for his sexual desires and for money so we broke up .

After 1 whole year he patched up with me with some fake promises and again I was the side chick again. This time it was more emotional. Thou he kept me as side chick I was into him. He got me and another 2 girls on the other hand. I literally pleased him to leave those girls so that we both can start up again. He gave me all those traumas and self hatred kinda feeling like I was too broken and he blamed me at the end and my friend made me to break up with him and the break up happened.

Then this guy Dhee came into my life. He fell for me so soon but I was not ready for it as I just came out the toxic shit. I opened up to him like I told him everything and he was genuinely taking care of me and helped me to come out of all those traumas. He literally healed me. After a year we both were invested into our new healthy relationship.

Later my ex spoke to me again and he called me to have sex with him again . I refused and he did spoke things very emotionally and I had it with him again.

I went to meet him out of mind knowing that I’m gonna have sex with him. I can’t hold up this within me so I opened up about this to Dhee knowing the consequences. I was like whatever it takes he should know it right I can’t hide it from him.

And I told him everything it’s been two months now . He’s still not out of it. I know it’s hard for him but I want him back and I’m fighting for it so badly

On the other hand I know I cheated on him and I’m feeling bad on me. Dhee is one among those gems and a gentleman who knows how to treat his woman.

I don’t know why I went to meet my ex and made out with him. I’m literally feeling like the worst human on the planet and this thought is ruining my mental peace “you’re a whore and you’re addicted to sex” this is echoing in my mind constantly but I’m not that. Idk how to solve it with Dhee and I’m getting into more suicidal thoughts lately.

Idk I’m not a person who encourages silly hand slits and suicides but now I’m thinking of all the ways to die.

I just want my man back and I can’t move on to another person. If not him then there will be no one.

I’m asking him to get out of it but he’s digging my past more and collecting more details on it which makes me uncomfortable and I’m still answering him. Idk what else to do.

I’m not justifying my mistakes and I don’t want to. All I’m asking is to understand me and try to get my side but he’s turning into a cold heart. He’s losing that cute boy in him . I don’t want him to be like that.

Seriously guys idk what to do and I’m hating me for whatever I did and I’m not ready to lose Dhee. Came in search of help and a therapist who won’t judge me while hearing my rants but this app costs like 1k per hour so I’m venting out here