So I reinstalled the app after 3 long months.
Today it is difficult to do anything. My health anxiety is worse than I could have imagined. I develop a new symptom ; I research it , and I freak out. That’s basically what I have been doing for as far as I can remember. I hate the way I am built. I become so vulnerable that it feels impossible to focus on anything. I read Tuesdays with Morrie , and this quote stuck with me - “Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
Why am I so afraid of death? Why does it scare me the most? It’s 1:AM and these thoughts keep disturbing me. For some reason unknown to me , I have always been like this. I remember when I was a little kid, I would ask doctors if I had HIV or cancer , and they would simply laugh at my innocence. Years later, they still laugh at me , still think of me as somebody who hasn’t matured enough.
I am so weak that it bothers me. I don’t want to think about death and grief constantly. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be best friends with WebMD.
I want to be normal, and I am anything but normal . It pains me , it breaks me .
Death of the body is ultimate truth. There is no need to fear. You won’t die, you’ll leave this body and get another. This is the process and you have already gone through this process several times.