so i liked this guy and he asked me out but i rejected him because i felt he didn’t like me and i deserved better than a person who was just dating me for the heck of it. when i rejected him he just said ‘okay’. i was literally in tears and then i ghosted him for 3 months to get over him. i finally started texting him back since a week because i felt bad that i did that. do y’all think i should text him because i feel my feelings might be coming 

3am Thoughts

I don't know if I love my boyfriend. Logically in my head, I think he's amazing, sometimes, other times I think he has so many problems, irrevocable problems. In my heart, I don't even know. I feel like I'm supposed to feel something more. He's my first real boyfriend. We have been kinda fighting recently ( he took me back home to meet his family ( most of them I love, especially his mother)) and it's been a little stressful. I just feel sad now, I don't even know what I'm really sad about. I also feel so worried in my head about him. In my head, I keep going back in forth that this is a person I would want to go on within the long run, the other part of me thinks I should get rid of him soon and that I need to be alone. You know, at the beginning of our relationship he would always tell me that he loved me, I would never say it back because I told him I was not ready. I got too drunk Halloween night and told him that I loved him and all that. Ever since then I would tell him that I love him. I'm not sure if I really mean it. I think he accidentally told me once that he doesn't ( he took it back and never said it again)  believe that I actually love him. As I write, I realize there is so much more. Am I the one with the problem?

Boyfriend

Anxious. Like there is a big hole in my stomach. Head hurts. Restless

Is it possible to get addicted to fights in the relationship? 
In my relationship there has been a fight every 10 days.. 
I say something as a joke
He gets angry due to it and says something harsh
I react angrily
Fight escalates so mich that he starts saying he wants to break up
We don't talk for some days
He replies to my stories or some way msgs me again
We argue some more regarding the fight
Then he says he wants me and no more fights in future
Things go back to normal
Atleast for somedays till the cycle repeats. 

So this time when he started being understanding and didn't react to things which I felt he would I just couldn't trust his behavior. Felt like this was the calm before the biggest storm ever. And I was right.. 
Yesterday had a big fight because he said we will meet this weekend but cancelled at the last moment. We haven't seen each other since Feb end. So I got angry. Fought and this time it went too far. 
I don't think things can be mended now
But when  things were good did I instigate a fight? 
Did I want him to fight with me? 
Why did I didn't trust him behavior? 
Am I addicted to fighting with him? 

Anxiety

Veryyyyyyy alone
So I am not able to sleep these days well(2-3hrs sleep) and I told this to him and he sarcastically said try bumping your head in the wall so I said not a bad idea should I try it?
This made him angry and we haven't talked all day and as usual if I don't text him first we won't talk and this is killing me. I am taking a lot of caffeine these days because I m kinda addicted to it. I feel like he never understands me and whenever I tell him that I feel like he will leave me because I am so insecure about myself        All he ever says is stop talking bullshit and gets mad at me. He never tries to think from my point of view and it is so exhausting and I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one can ever understand me. I have a traumatic past which makes me insecure about my friendships, relationships and I think it a HUGE PROBLEM for me and I still think no one will stay forever with me and I will be never understood and loved. Somedays he is so sweet to me but other days he behaves as if he doesn't care at all, I mean yeah he does tries to but there are no efforts.

I am so "EXHAUSTED" from all this.

Now&Me Thinks

So it happened. I had empty my heart out to him. I thought he'd acknowledge at least a tiny bit of my problems. But he'd just shut me up with another of his excuses about how difficult his life has become. He had changed so much since a last few months. It felt as if I was talking to a wall. He thought my problems were trivial. He wasn't the person that I used to know anymore. Acted so stone cold almost as if he was disgusted by my vulnerability. He seemed so aloof and nonchalant when I was speaking to him about our communication gap. I no longer felt the warmth in his words. It just felt I was talking to another acquaintance. I couldn't take it anymore. I could not bear to be hurt like this everyday. I felt so empty around him. He dropped me off and did not even turn around when I bid him goodbye. In the span of an afternoon everything changed so drastically. I could not help but text him and tell him about how his negligence has affected me. I broke things off with him and blocked him. I have no idea how I am gonna hold myself together after this. I can only hope that it'll pass too.

Relationships

You guys really need to help me here ok. Soo my bf who i love way too much and ik he loves me too ok but he ugh tbh i don’t have the words anymore i just need more love and attention from him and i feel like I’m the only one who’s putting in the efforts like i literally do anything for that guy and i can’t even think about leaving him cuz I’m soo in love.

So I kept this thing to myself and never shared it with anyone but today I feel that I should talk about it.
Last year I was in 11th grade and of course, due to the pandemic, the schools were closed. 
I started talking to this boy who was in my grade only and he was a very sweet boy. I mean I had never met a boy like him. I started to have feelings for him and I think even he had feelings for me but he was too shy to express them. I liked him so much that I could literally do anything for him. At that time I was giving exams for admission to another school. I thought that if I don't get accepted into another school, I will definitely date this guy. But I got accepted and decided that maybe I should not date him now because it will be really hard for us to see each other and my parents were already very strict, they did not let me go anywhere.
So when I got accepted I thought that I should just tell him how I feel about him because I was really not able to keep that to myself. I confessed to him and he said the same thing that  I've changed my school and we won't able to see each other so often. And after that, we did not talk that much not because we were awkward or something, it's just we were out of topics but still we used to have short conversations in a month or two.
Now, we hadn't talked in a while, and on the night of 21st October (it was also his birthday), my friend called me and said that "He has committed suicide". 
I can't describe what I felt. It was so heart-aching that I couldn't believe what I heard for the next few minutes. I thought that some people are pulling a prank but I was wrong. He actually committed suicide. 
That night was the worst night of my life. I loved him. I loved him so much that not for a second I could think about anything else except him. I did not expect that I would get hurt this much. I have never loved anyone that much. The tears won't stop coming out of my eyes. I couldn't even share it with anyone else because they would think that I'm doing all this for attention and drama because he and I were not that close in school.
It's been 7 months since he is gone, I still have feelings for him. I still cry. I still miss him. 
The grief is still here.  Sometimes he comes to my dreams and it breaks my heart to look at him, to think about him. I have not recovered from this tragic incident yet.
Wherever he is, I hope he is happy and in peace.❤️


my both ex's had weird fascination of  s. uck. ing / l.icki.ng ear. that's weird

Disorders

Well there's a guy i had a crush on and i still do. He's really good looking and he's a good human too but it's just that he's not my type. I feel like he knows that i have a crush on him as i have made that obvious by acting shy in front of him and i think he likes me too. We both have not taken any steps yet.... We just talk casually through texts everyday. As I overthink a lot, i was thinking what if he does something like tells me his feelings...... What will I do ???? I don't want to hurt him but i have already given him hints of me having a crush on him and now if i reject him he will be hurt 
And most of all I don't even know if i am ready to be in a relationship. Sometimes I think of ghosting him but again I don't want to hurt him as in the start i was one who has given him so much attention and now ghosting him would really not be a good option.
I don't know if i like him or not because there are Times when i want to be with him and again there are Times when it feels so weird

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts