Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

So I just needed some where to get everything out of my head… paper isn’t good sometime i dont want anyone to know what’s really going on in my head… but if they really knew me wouldn’t they already? But does anyone really know me? Does anyone even care enough? Do you ever get to like the top of the mountain but mediphoricly, and the moment feels right you start to open up like the real you, that you that no one knows and they either have a look like something is wrong with you or they dont care or just dont pay attention? Is that only me? I dont think so but who knows? But ya that moment really sucks… pushes you back Into your shell about 50 feet…
But I have come to realize it’s just me… I dont blame anyone else at all I know it’s me… I really have tried these last few years I really did… with work, kids, love life and friends…
But everything just makes my life so harder not a pity party… this again I know is all me…
Kids I am a terrible mother not in like a mean way or anything just in a way where I suck at everything I do and my kids deserve a better mother… again not an oh me I’m sure your a great mom no I’m pretty worthless this i know … i wouldn’t never hurt my kids but i fail them every day with my circle of stupid… got sick w covid outta work didn’t get to see them for two weeks sitter got sick their didnt want them sick cause my 3 yrs old was up at sitters so out work again didnt get to see them another two weeks because 3 yrs was symptomatic was stuck in the house w said 3 yrs old…that’s a story for another day… then get to see my kids and I’m now broke and feel like shit still dont have sitter lose my job then report them long story but it’s a circle and I can’t do anything right ever… love life we aren’t gonna go there…
But really I feel like my thoughts started when I was 15 and I tried to kill my self and have struggled w that for a long time… my brain tells me how much better off everyone would be if I wasn’t here I’m sure that is true that’s not a question, and I mean everyone would be a little shocked and all for like a week or so but nobody really cares if I’m here or not… I’m that friend that messages you randomly hey how are you miss your face… or see a post and comment you look great… I never get that energy…never…like not once… I mean I know I’m fat and ugly but dang… I dont ever text anyone anymore or post …I’m in my shell my bubble… and no one has noticed… no one messaged when I had covid home w 3 yrs old … but I’m sorry I would want anyone to feel blame… it’s me all me… I’m just the worst person that ever lived … maybe not the worst but I’m my worst… in a sea of infinite thoughts so loud I could scream…
But what if I did …would you notice me then? Or is my superpower invisibly? I feel really invisible…like nothing…like air… just gone
I feel like I’ve gone past blame, hurt, shame, anger and I’m just numb…
By the way I’m not gonna do anything ok