So i dont actually know what I have is the depression anxiety or other issues but I’ll just say when it started making my life miserable… So the problems between my parents started when I was in about 2 years old or so but i didn’t know all that until I was in the 2nd grade or so… There was always arguments between mom and dad… My mom used to cry most of the time at night and she said also things like I will suicide one day and all… That hurt like hell hearing all that… And most of the time my dad wasn’t around… He just come home like a couple of times a month… Also it started affecting me when I see other kids with their mom and dad… It hurt like hell… I also had a brother but we weren’t close at all and we used to fight like all the time so I felt alone even though I had friends in school and all… So years passed by with the same situation and when I was in 6th grade my dad left us… At first I didn’t feel that much of a difference but as months passed by it started affecting me a lot… And finally came my birthday the first one in which dad wasn’t there… That day onwards I hate my birthday the most… And I’ll be at the worst mood in that day… And I don’t like celebrating it since then… So my issues just got piled up one after another and for the first time I fell in love with a girl… I don’t know if it happened because of all I was going through or not I never felt like that before I was like addicted to her… I think maybe I was just desperate for someone else to show me some affection or something… I don’t know… But after when she learned about my feelings for her she became furious and said many things like I have only seen you as a friend and all… And she stopped talking to me… For like 2 years or so… And my desperate need for some affection led to the end of our friendship… Bu I still loved her and I would have done anything for her… Then suddenly one day she stopped coming to school and she was someone who rarely takes any leave compared to me… Days passed… Months passed… Our exams was about to begin and I grew more and more sad and feeling suffocated since seeing her was the only thing that kept me going forward… And on the first final exam of our 9th grade I heard some people talking about her and learned the fact that she’s being undergoing treatment in hospital for aplasthamic anaemia (which is disease that occurs in one’s bone marrow)… And I was crushed… I was going through many emotions at that instant it almost felt like I was gonna die… And the only thing in my mind that kept on repeating was everyone who comes close to you or has a place in your heart will suffer or leave you… I just kept being dragged my fears…it was going getting harder each day acting like everything is fine…And like that days and months passed and years passed and it took me more than anything to forget the one sided feelings for her…only when I reached my high school the final two years of my school… I joined a boarding school made many friends that helped me a lot in overcoming many sadness even if it was a little… Then again I met a girl ( a junior)I fell in love again… But I was never gonna confess my feelings… I just suppressed it for months but I kept on trying to learn about her past her family and all that added to more of my misery… Her mom and dad separated when she was 2 years old and when she was in 7th grade her dad passed away… And so on… I just wanted to go and confess my love to her but I hesitated … And later on I learned that she was in relationship with an asshole… Who was just playin with her and she ended up being heartbroke and many of her friends started harassing her … So I stood up for her without her knowledge and scared the shit out of those assholes and she later somehow learned about me doing all this and kept on asking my friends more about me and finally my friends told me all this and forced me to go and confess my feelings in person… But the fear of losing people still scared me… But somehow I mustered up some courage and proposed her… We started talking… She grew more and more in love with me or I thought… And after two months of talking she left me for another guy who was one of my friends who she only knew for a week… And that was felt like my nightmares coming life… It was so painful af…after all these time… Why don’t I deserve some happiness… I never done anything wrong but people around me just end up hurting me… And after 3-4 days he left her because he was scared of me and my other friends but I never threatened him after all what he has done… But he left her and harassed her a lotand hurting her feelings… Heartbroken she came to me with all these… Someone who she left after all the things she done to me… But seeing her in such a state I calmed her down started talking again and on January 25 2020 I proposed her again and we was in official relationship until October 16 when she left me again… So nothing changed after all these years… It’s just the same shit different people… Leaving me broken… And the insecurities which is just crushing me day by day… Hour by hour… The constant pain… Anxiety… Paranoia… Is just eating me alive… All those suicidal thoughts… The broken family… The broken bond between my brother… Just true loneliness… I don’t know how long I can keep doing this but I have to… I can’t cause more suffering to my mom… Because she’s only one that hasn’t left me… Till now… But still I feel so lonely all the time… And I don’t have the energy to anything… It’s like I am drowning in my own thoughts… I just want to be at some peace I just don’t know what to do anymore…
So I might not feel the suffering of yours. But here’s something I can say - Just stay away from people. Stay with those who are genuine to you ( like your mom ).
I haven’t lost my dad. But I have lost a lot of friends, been heartbroken like 2 times or more(won’t say it was love just affection). So yes I have suffered. Not more than you. But in this span of time, I have started to stay away from people and in my case, it has helped. I have started writing a journal which calms me … I’m doing painting ( a thing I love to do), focusing on my career and studies etc. And tbh I feel not great but good. In every relationship you always get a lesson to learnt.
Like if that girl cheated you with your friend , it was sure she was gonna do that again again … Because she knew after all the worse things u will be there … I might sound harsh but She was using you …So it wasfor better that she left you.So the lesson is if someone has cheated once , they gonna do that again.
Secondly about your dad. I dont want to comment as its your personal family matter. But ig your mom is somehow in peace that he left. So the people who are toxic no matter what will hurt you … even if you love them.
Third about that first girl …She didnt really left you , it was her condition that made her .
So none of the above was your fault . People will come and go . But those few genuine people will stay . Always and Forever.
IDK whether it made you feel good😐So … i wont say anything more … and if you feel offended then im really sorry.
Soorya @soorya
Thank you for that it was helpful
Soorya @soorya
I would like to talk to someone. Thank you
Kampai @kampai
This broke my heart but as I was reading I realized one thing about you, that you my friend are very very strong and I just want to tell you that I am proud of you that you are still standing after going through so much.
About your parents, you can’t really do anything, it is like two people who were not right for each other fell in love and trust me it’s not entirely their fault. I may sound like an idiot but try to think of it this way : You met this girl and you fell for her, did you think of all the rights and wrongs before loving her ? No, right ? Until you confessed and stayed in a relationship with her, you thought she was perfect, right ? But then later after you both stayed together that’s when you started to actually know each other better, now her leaving you is maybe because you didn’t match her vibe or may be she wasn’t serious or whatever the reason I will never know but actually that’s her loss because no one gets to be in a relation with such strong person like you. Anyways when she left you and got herself broken she came back to you and you know why ? Because you provided her the trust and comfort you were never given as a child growing up. And from here I can see how amazing person you are. Now, coming back to your parents, maybe they thought they were perfect for each other but later as time went they felt they were wrong and got separated for their own good and that’s good for them but the worst mistake they committed was not falling for a wrong person but it was hurting others while they try to make things better for them and I feel really sorry for them that made their strong kid suffer for that. But think would you be this strong if you never went through all this ? Would you have the courage to take back a girl who left you ? Would you have provided comfort to a girl who thought that a one week friend is better than the man who protected her without asking for anything in return? No, you would not have. But you did and that what makes you beautiful.
But what I want to suggest is that rather than being a back bone to someone else, rather than giving comfort to someone else, rather than loving someone else selflessly, how about you do those things for yourself. I know it is hard to live without affection, we all need love that’s human nature but if we are not receiving it from someone else, how about we try to give it ourselves ?
It’s not easy, self love is not easy. I know but have you ever tried loving yourself without caring about others? Think about it .
Our vibes don’t match with everyone we like, I had a boyfriends back in 12th grade and I thought he was the most perfect person to exist but then his vibe just didn’t match mine, we were just so different. I was abused mentally as well as physically. Did I ever thought I would go through this because of that person I first met ? No, not really. But it took me 4 years to realize that and then I finally I broke up with him and he still didn’t knew what he did wrong. That’s how we humans are, we think what we are doing is the right thing in the starting but we all make mistakes, the girl who left you also did the same but rather than felling sad over her how about you shower the amount of love you were giving her on yourself, It would be amazing.
I am not sure what to exactly should I say to you but please don’t give up. Look back and see how far you have come. Take a good look at yourself and realize how strong, beautiful and amazing you are. Please have faith in yourself.
I know you can get through anything and everything if you believe you can. So please don’t loose the strength that you have in you because it is so inspiring.
If you want to talk I am here, if you want to rant I am here, if you want to cry I am here, if you want to laugh I am here. And just like me there are 1000s of people who value your existence so don’t give up on them, don’t give up on yourself.
Let the world know, how amazing of a person you are. Let people get inspired from you.
And one day the right person will come through who will give you all the love and care you deserve, till than don’t give up.
All the best, I hope was helpful.
Loads of love <3
Soorya @soorya
Thank you for that was beautiful… I needed that
Kampai @kampai
Happy to help :)
