Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Six months back I met this guy, beautiful yet disturbed. We fell in love a month later. And he tells me how he’s affiliated with the illuminati. I believed him. He told me all about them and all about how and what happens. I was so fascinated, because I remember only months back visualizing me being close to knowing the truth about them. And here I was, in a relationship with a member. Then one day he asked me if I remember why I had fallen for him. And I couldn’t think of any reason. Then he said he had chosen me and that I was meant to fall for him because he wanted me to. At that time, it felt pretty romantic, I was so in awe. Sometime later he told me he’d have to dump me and date other women, and that if I could stand him cheating on me and still love him, I could have him forever. I didn’t think twice before asking him to let me join too. They’ve all I have ever had my mind on. I know, not exactly goals, but it was an escape I wanted. He didn’t hesitate before saying no. Said he didn’t wanna see me hurt. I didn’t want to see him with someone else and still love him. I couldnt do that. I’d rather join the group and be a part of it than be apart from him. But he didn’t think like that. So many times, I wanted to just tell him let me join but he wouldn’t let me. So I dropped it. During all this I didn’t realise my entire life was crumbling down, with him being the only thing I wished to be around. When I realised I was devoting myself to someone who would hurt me to be with me, I took a step back. I saw such utter chaos that I wanted to take my life. I wanted to just cut my wrists open and bleed on my floor. And just minutes later he texts me that he cant be with me anymore. That he can explain it to me but not to them. And I fell numb. I figured that the time had come for my test, if I could really stand seeing him with someone else. But I knew it in my heart I couldn’t. He told me, we’d still be dating, where he will see other people too but if I cheat it will be over. I couldnt help thinking how convenient it was. How easy it was for him to just choose me. So the next day I went away with his friends, and slept with his friend. The only thing running through my mind was how I dont wanna be a pawn anymore. That I’d rather have control of my life than have him in my life. I chose myself. And I dont regret doing that. I miss him. Oh sweet satan, I miss him a lot. But I had to let him go. I hurt him I know and he probably hates me too right now. I’m okay with that as long as I can do whatever I want without having to worry about repercussions. So many things were wrong but it’s just how I didn’t want it. I’ve felt happy with myself, I’ve found peace. I still wanna end up joining them but it won’t be for anyone else, it will be for me.