Since childhood I’ve been compared to my “pretty” cousins who are either “fair” or “thin”. I’ve been called names within the family like Kali Mai. I never let it affect me, but It was today, (after 23 years) I realised that it has left a deep imprint.
Today I started with my post graduation which was an online interactive session. I felt so uncomfortable, so nervous that when it was my turn to speak, I started fumbling. (Or maybe that’s how I felt)
It was definitely anxiety but it was so negative that I have been crying ever since. The thoughts that went in my mind were not whether I spoke well but how I was looking, did people think I was looking like an aunty, was I looking like a joker. And when I saw the recording I felt like shit because I did think that I wasn’t looking nice . I felt I was not good enough and all throughout the session I didn’t speak, didn’t interact and just cried.
A lot of people tell me that I need to start loving myself, which I did for a bit but instances and experiences made me feel like shit again.
My confidence has started dipping, I don’t feel I’m worth it and am being judged constantly. My anxiety is next level and is uncontrollable.
You can do this. Learning to love yourself is hard but remember that you are not alone! No body cares about what you look like except you. People will look at you and think that’s a nice shirt. Cool. And move on. Or they’ll think. I don’t really like that colour but it looks nice on them. And that’s that. The only person who thinks about all of those little things is you. My dad used to always tell me that I was fat and that I need to eat healthy and go to the gym (I was 11) he would call me chubby. It made me really selfconcious to the point where I would bend over to try and hide my stomach. My mum later told me that I was not fat I was average I was perfect. All my friends were skinny and I guess that didn’t help much. You can do this I know you can they are all just jealous about how beautiful you are. :) <3
