Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Should I talk to someone about my situation?

I’m currently 30 years old, and I’ve been pretty severely depressed for as long as I can remember.

I was sexually abused growing up a number of times (age 4, 10, 12-14). Not in a violent or intrusive way, I was just an incredibly vulnerable child. I’ve not felt like a victim for a long time, I came to terms with my past & that it wasnt my fault during my 20’s, I learned how to bury shame and carry on living as a free person.

I managed to make a few friends in my late teens through school & university & kept a close group of around 5 friends. Things started to change again when I had a life-saving surgery last January. All of my friends knew I was in hospital alone, and not one even sent me a text message to ask if I was ok.

18 months on, I still havent spoken to my friends, it’s gotten to the point where I’m fully convinced they dont, or ever will care about my wellbeing. I recently spoke out about being depressed for years on social media (leaving out my childhood details), more of a cry for help as I didnt have anyone close to talk to. Again, nobody has reached out to see if I’m ok, and the last year has made me feel more isolated & alone than I’ve ever been.

I’ve considered telling my family about my past, just so I have someone to talk to, but I dont know what to do anymore. I struggle to speak to people at work or in public as I dont feel like anything I say or do has any value or interest to the people around me.

I dont want to feel so alone anymore, but I don’t know what to do next.