Sexual exploration?
Well… This is my first time sharing my story here. I apologise for my grammatical errors. And sorry my memories and kinda hazy and unclear.
I live with my mum, dad and my elder sister who is 7 years older than me. My mum is schizophrenic and she’s under medication. She can be really protective of me and my sister at times. Me and my father isn’t really that close as he kinda have anger issues. So I was only close to my sister… She was the one who took care of me and i saw her as a motherly figure.
Me and my sister used to sleep in the same room when we were small. One early morning when I was like 8 or 9 she was like 15 or 16 at that time. Our parents were sleeping in the other room she asked me if I wanted to play a game. And she told me that she would role play as a baby and I should act like the mother. I agreed. She then pinned me to bed and kissed, licked, bit, sucked on my breast. I told her to stop as it was hurting. And she eventually did. I didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t tell my parents about it as I thought it was normal.
Another incident occured when I was like 13 or 14. But I don’t remember much of this. I only remember that she kissed me in the lip. And I pushed her away. (I still remember the feeling and it makes me feel so disgusted). And my mum kinda walked into the room and I pushed her away. Mum really didn’t see what was happening ig. (I don’t know why I didn’t tell anyone at that time. Probably because I didn’t have anyone close other than her)
The third incident occured 2 years back. Me, my sister and mum used to sleeo in the same room because mum has seperational anxiety? Also she gets so worried. So mum and I were asleep. My sister then used my hand to touch her breast (over her clothes). I woke up from the tugging feeling and pulled my hand away when I realised what was going on. And she then touched my face to check if I was awake. I was so scared at that time so I pretended to be asleep. I think she figured that I was pretending because I snatched my hand. Then all the memories of the past incidents kinda came back.I kinda had this feeling lingered in the back of my mind that I kinda felt uncomfortable around her at times but I denied all those thoughts because I trusted her.
I couldn’t talk about this to my friends as my sister was close to all of my friends. I can’t tell my parents either.
Then a few months back me and my sister got into a fight. Though I did apologise to her for the fight. She didn’t really forgive me and gave me the silent treatment. So I ignored her, feeling that it’s the best for me if she stayed away. She also slept in different room so it was like a huge relief for me. Then she got all mad at me because I was ignoring her.
So like I said earlier I didn’t have much of any friends. I was always shy and kinda had trouble opening upto others and trusting them. I was mostly close to my sister, her best friend (lets call her Mia) she is like a real sister towards me, and my sister’s boyfriend. (they were like the close circle for me).
My sister then went on telling Mia that I’ve been such a brat towards her and stuff. Mia then confronted me for my bad attitude and told me to tell her what was wrong or she would leave me. I was so desperate for social support at that time that I couldn’t lose another person close to me… Mia was the only one who I was comfortable at that time. So I tried my best to not to tell her despite the pressure and I told her after a while.
I also went to extend to date a guy who was pretty close to Mia. Though the guy turned out to just wanting for his sexual grooming. (I’m safe now. My sister and Mia told him to never contact me again)
Then Mia told me that it was just a misunderstanding and my sister wouldn’t do anything like that to me as my sister saw me like her own kid. She told me that she would talk to my sister about that a bit and that I should confront my sister that day itself.
I confronted her. My sister was then crying telling me that it was all just a bunch of my false memories. She told me that she was so small when the first incident occured. (well I didn’t find 15 year old to be that small) she told me that occured normal between siblings. When I told her that she was 15 at that time she told me that people have different mental ages? I don’t know what she meant by that.
She told me that the second incident is just a false memory that I made up. She would’ve kissed me by accident and not deliberately. Well I didn’t really remember it much so I let that go.
She told me that the 3rd incident is nothing like that. She had a nightmare at that time and whenever she did she would grab my hand and place it above her heart for her comfort. (yeah I know that she gets nightmares and if I was awake at that time I would’ve comforted her. But I never knew the fact that she used to grab my hand like that. But Mia told me that she does like that. Though it kinda made me hard to believe as Mia told me this before when confronted my sister, when I explained Mia about the incident. She might have just told my sister this and she might be just using the same thing.)
I was never comfortable with physical proximity except with my cat. I don’t really like hugs and kisses or anything like that. And I’m sure my sister knows about it.
Well since my sister was crying from confrontation. I felt bad and I told her that I wasn’t mad at her. She then kept on saying that it was better for her if she was dead so she wouldn’t have to hear this accusations from me. She told me that she had always been there for me and this was my way of repaying herband stuff like that. (and she was. That’s true)
This whole stuff made me feel like I was going crazy because it took me 2 years to accept my own memories. And I kept denying that because I trusted her more than myself. (I’ve always had troubke with self doubt).
I just hoped that she would just apologise to me when i confronted her. And hoped to move on from this. Because that was only I was looking for. I wasn’t even angry at her at that time. But she kept denying that and blaming me which didn’t help me at all.
My sister as kind as she was to others… She kinda always saw me like I was inferior to her. Though her seeing me as her own kid was endearing at first it kinda made me feel suffocated and it was like she owned me. I’m not trying to badmouth her or anything but it kinda did felt like that. She would always be like “I will be there for you always so it’s okay if you don’t have friends?” idk.
I talked to my therapist about this. She told me that she believed that this have happened to me. And my sister is in denial because it takes a lot of courage to accept something like that. Therapist asked me to forgive her. And I was trying my best.
But my sister just kept on being cold after I confronted her. She kept on being passively angry? She would say stuff like “you can never get things done” “why do you always screw up” (well I am clumsy at times) I just ignored her because I didn’t feel like I should start another fight with her. But I did talk to her in front of my parents. I didn’t want to worry them.
My sister is close to one of my college friend. She told him that she and I weren’t really on the good terms now. She told him that I did something awful to her. And I misunderstood her and that I haven’t apologised to my elder sister. And at that time me and my friend kinda had an argument. But being the good friend he is… He came up and told my other friend who is close to me. They both then told me this had happened. This just made me feel a lot more uncomfortable and angry at my sister. Because I’ve known that guy friend for only 8 months. My friends didn’t pressure me on telling them more about it.
(I know I made a mistake by telling Mia. She was her friend. But us 3 were more like family. And I felt comfortable with only Mia)
I don’t really know if I can forgive her. I know that I would not apologise to her because it would be like betraying myself and my self respect.
Does that make me a bad person?
Mia and my sister’s bf supports her. Though Mia and I do still keep in touch.
My sister was kind to me at times but this act of her’s makes me confused. And my sister always yold me that she was good with manipulation. I kinda felt manipulated by her at times.
I just hate that I still seek for her validation and acceptance. I also get dreams that things went back to being better.
I read everything you wrote. And I wish I could tell you that it was either this or that, black or white but life is not really like that. It’s mostly a grey area, a big blob of “I don’t know” and I suppose that that’s alright. When those incidents took place, your sister was 15. Now that’s not too young to know what is right and what is not, but then again, it isn’t old enough. I wish I could completely blame your sister, but maybe she didn’t know any better. And as your therapist said, she might not be able to come to terms with it. I’m not saying that that makes her right or you wrong. It happened. It shouldn’t have. As a child, you didn’t know what was happening and had no idea what to tell her. And as time heals, the older you grew, the regular bond that sisters have developed between you two. With that, it is natural to look up to your sister and seek her approval for a lot of things. Most younger siblings feel that way about their older siblings. It is almost like a parental relationship that exists. While that isn’t wrong, it would be better to work actively towards not getting used to that validation…and you’ve realised that early on in life, so I’m sure you will be able to figure out to find your own sense of self. I’m sorry that Mia and your sister’s bf side with her, but I guess they’re just trying to stand by her and prove their loyalty. You’re not required to forgive her or to come to a conclusion. All you need, for your own sake, is to be able to move on and away from your sister and her circle of friends common with you. You have to learn to build your own life separately so that there is a clear distinction and she can’t just butt in and mess it up for you. You don’t have to be angry if you don’t feel that way. It isn’t necessary. All you have to do is, silently, try to just move on in your life towards people that are good, people your can trust, people that are good for your wellbeing. Your wellbeing is the most important. And how you choose to deal with or cope with it, is none of anybody’s business. You don’t need to make amends or apologise to anybody.
