Career

At which age,did you get unvirgin?My status -not yet

Adulting

Bheed me akela hona suna tha ab mehsoos kr rhi hoon.


3am Thoughts

I'm not hungry anymore.

Exhausted

Some cause happiness wherever they go,others whenever they go.

I love you. Dil Se !!

Addiction

I usually feel drained but whenever I think that it could be depression or some sort of mental illness my mind instantly shuts the thoughts away. I’ve recently discovered that it happens because my mind believes that ‘I don’t deserve to be depressed. There are so many people out there who face worse things compared to me so I need to stop and suck it up. I’m just overreacting.’

When it comes to displaying my emotions, then let me just say that there’s no display of emotions. I’m my friend group of 6 I’m always the happy jokester. The one who is always happy and content no matter what. One of my friend was going thru smth this quarantine summer and I remember talking to her abt it for hours a day trying my best to guide her and she finally got over the problem. I still remember waking up every day to txt her good morning and ask her how her day was. Recently she got in an argument with some of the other friends in the group and she started talking abt how toxic I am and how I’ve messed up her mental health. She talked abt how much of a shitty person I am and that I’m manipulative. Ngl that hurt. A lot. 

Anyways that’s not even the basics. I live in a family of 5. Mom, dad, 2 brothers and me (the only girl. Middle child). I have never felt any form of love from my mother for as long as I can remember. I still remember this one incident when I was like 8 or 9 I hated mayo and she was making sandwiches and I told her I didn’t want mayo or smth along that line. She chucked the full bottle of mayo and my face, it hit my eye and I still remember how I felt, how much it hurt. Instead of consoling me how she would my brothers she told me that I shouldn't have been so picky and handed me an ice pack to put on my purplish black eye that was swollen shut. I still remember how pissed my dad was at her, my dad and I are really close but like not the confessing type of close where we sit and talk abt our feelings, just he loves me and it shows and vice versa. 

My mother has always treated me so different that at one point my brothers started to notice and my older brother would even stand up for me and be like ‘I feel bad for you’. He once even asked my mom why she treated me differently but she just responded with I don’t. My brother would sometimes give me his things so I didn’t feel left out. 

I face a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from my mom. Idk if she knows that her words truly do hurt me or not but they really do. I once confronted her abt my feelings told me that I felt so different compared to my brothers and how I’ve never felt loved by her. She gave me water and left only to call me downstairs later on and hug me but she still made me feel at fault with her words. 

Ive been her scapegoat for as long as I can remember. From the early age of 10 I still remember how whenever my parents would fight I would have to be their messenger. Little 11 year old me holding a tray of food to give to my dad after he comes home from work only for him to say he doesn’t want it. Then I go back and give the tray to my mother who’d glare at me and call me names saying I was stupid and told me to make him eat! MAKE A 10 y/o FORCE HER FATHER TO EAT! 

i still remember when I was 14 my parents got into this huge fight that lasted abt 2.5 months. In those 2.5 months my dad left to another country to take care of his business there. None of my parents noticing how pale and sick I had gotten. My dad had left like August 28 and came back a month later and I was instantly rushed to the hospital only to find out my lungs had stopped working and my spleen was life threateningly enlarged. My stomach had fluids and so did my lungs. Did they ever realise before hand? No! They called it a fever. I was sick for 3 months and it was called a fever. 

**Have I ever had suicidal thoughts?** Yes. 
**Have I ever tried to cut?** Yes. But didn’t cuz I didn’t want to be a shame for my parents. 
**Have My friends ever noticed how I’m way to cheery but the smile vanishes as soon as I look away?** Only one of them and she did talk to me but I can’t ever confide. It makes me feel worthless, vulnerable, weak. 

My body isn’t bad. My metabolism is pretty fast meaning that I don’t gain body weight easily but recently I’ve been having thoughts abt my body. I’d be eating and suddenly feel the urge to stick fingers down my throat until I throw up. I’ll fat shame myself if I eat too much. These thoughts have just started to come to me this December and I’m not going to lie, they scare me. A lot. 

But then my mind takes me back to point number one: I don’t deserve to be depressed. I don’t deserve to be sad. I’m an ungrateful little bitch and that others have it worse compared to me. 

Anyways that’s my pathetic story. 



Mental Health

 I do not know why I give a damn about so much about others’ opinions
Any tips on how not to give a fck 

Society

People don't understand how scary a women's jealousy can be whether you are pretty or not insecure women will make your life living hell 

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