Seeing all the things my mother has gone through after her marriage, all the ignorance and anger, I can't tolerate the past. Past is one thing I can't change. 

Relationships

I wish it had a language , a sound ? Maybe ?
I wish it had colours , blue , red , grey like the poets would say ...
I wish it rhymed,
A metaphor, probably.
And was lengthy enough
I wish it was beautiful or ugly or clean or even beaten up.
So that people would take a stop and look at it ,
That they would take a moment to see it , to read it , to hear it .
Would you understand if I speak the language of the unspoken? 
Would you listen to the sounds of all this silence? 
Would you see if I were a ghost ? 
Would  you feel the presence of my absence ? 
The absence of my presence? 

3am Thoughts

Why am I addicted to toxic love

Cheating

I feel like everyone thinks I'm weird.. that I overshare too much or/and that I am too curious about other's business like I ask too many questions and stuff... and I talk a lot.
I feel that both boys and girls think that about me.. they think that I'm annoying... and worth pitying because I am in a new town and It's pretty obvious that I don't have friends..
Also, grammarly is saying that my text sounds joyful right now.. tf ;-;

Overthinking

I don't know what to say to you. I miss you everyday. I don't know why I am saying this. How do you manage your day, what do you feel, what do you think, do you miss me? Do you think about talking to me or is it like you feel you should have never met me.

Does anyone feels lost?

Confusion

Trust me man I been with a girl for a year. And when I’m hurt or down she’s never ever tried to make me feel better. She fights me about something that happens in the past and blames not caring in what I did. When she’s sick or feeling down I always compliment her make her feel better tell her how pretty she is and stay in the phone with her until she leaves the hospital when she’s hurt for 8-9 hours. She has many friends and family here. I have no one my family lives abroad and I have one friend who comes around when he needs something and a brother that could see me dead and not even look at me because he has his own life. Sometimes I honestly get jealous when people have dinners with there family and cry in my room. I’m a grown man a lot of people respect me and fear me. And I have no one to talk to. Sometimes I lie to my self and act like she cares and she full out tells me I dgaf how you feel. I don’t know if it’s better to lie to my self just the thought of having someone that cares is better then having no one that cares and she even makes me lying to my self harder for me. And when I tell her how I feel she tells
Me what you think I’m going to feel sorry for you and I’m not looking for someone to give me sympathy or anything I just want her to act like she cares but even that’s hard for her. I spend a lot of money on her she more educated then me always calls me retard waste your not on my level to the point I actually feel low about my self and it’s starting to effect me. But I still love her I’m not perfect I’m far from perfect I’m a recovered drug addict two years clean and I was addicted to pain killers. I’ve always had money so I never stole from anyone or anything. I always supported my habbit I was functional and she always reminds me how she’s better and she could do better and how her x didn’t do drugs like I did. But I’m better looking and have more money then her x. I spoil her but her everything and he cheated on her. She’s 8 years younger. I’m 32 she’s 24 she went to university I went to college she always says she’s smarter and always belittles me. Always blocks me and unblocks me. And when we’re in bed she always says sorry and how much she loves me and needs me and can’t live without me. I lied to her so we could spend some time together told her a hotel was not refundable so she could come and she called me a liar a waste a crackhead I’m gross turn off and much more to the point I actually felt like dying and cried and I didn’t lie to get out of anything I know she’s busy but I miss her and wanted to spend time with her she’s the only person I have and I love her. I lied because I wanted to spend time with her and she always acts like she’s not home to make me suspicious and it’s destroying me emotionally and mentally but I’m so in love with with her the thought of losing her makes me want to kill my self. I honestly don’t know maybe I’m ugly or not educated enough or on her level but I try to make up with it with buying her things and spoiling her. All I want in return is small things like did u eat baby or y do u look upset. I fix her car take her on vacations shopping buy her gold  always pay for her and her friends and her friends boyfriends won’t even buy her a coffee and she respects them more then me.  I feel like garbage maybe I am I don’t know I’m not perfect I threw a sandwich in her face one time because she accused me of cheating which was so wrong I apologized a million times bought her so much things but it’s because I keep storing things in Everytime I tell her how I feel she twist everything and makes it about her. I don’t know what to do she actually treats me like trash and I feel worthless I was really confident always had an ego nice cars high self esteem. Since I got with her I feel like I’m nothing but a loser and she always says u will never change ur a lost cause the more I hang out with u the more turned off I am and I’m already hurt and having a bad day then she adds that on to it. Maybe I deserve it I don’t know y I live her so much how her hair smells how she looks how smart and clean she is. Sometimes I feel she puts me down to control me or she might actually just hate my guts breaks up with me 50 times a day. In her eyes every one is better then me I’m the biggest waste. She makes me insecure about how I dress my toe nails she will call me out infront of people or say something infront of my friends or agree with people going against me. I honestly feel like I have nobody and I am nobody and Sayjng this really took a load off my chest and there’s so much more I just have no one to talk to. And when I tell her how I feel she thinks I’m expect sympathy so I’m just going to shut my crack head waste mouth and try this I don’t want to make her look more down on me and give her more things to talk smack about and I do love her maybe it’s not her jib to make me feel better maybe I’m weird or a loser I don’t know I just want to say how I feel and not be judged and she’s my love my best friend and my family but I guess I’m not good enough for her and she knows she’s going to throw me so she doesn’t care to hear it. 


feeling lonely anybody come to private chat 


Girlfriend

I’m making the hardest decision ryt now by breaking up with my boyfriend after almost 5 yrs of relationship. It’s been really a roller coaster ride for me. I learnt a lot frm this relation bt at the end all gained was how to love urslf nd prioritise urslf frst. Smwhr in tht journey I forgot to be me.  I lost my individuality to b wid u, didn’t mk ny frnds so tht u dnt get jealous, made u my everything so tht u dnt feel I love u any less. I hv tried everything to mk it worth bt now I hv given up cmpltly. I cnt b wid smone who doesn’t see my efforts, doesn’t value my emotions, doesn’t take stnd fr me.overall doesn’t find me worth to hv me in ur life. I know this gonna b hard for me moving on frm u but I also know tht it’s gonna b worth.  Wish me luck  😞

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts