same day , same story  lil bit more sadness there was lil bit happiness too however numb me kept dealing with the day,,,sitting in the bedroom overheard some voices discussing financial worries ,life worries yeah they are my parents,,,something holds back ,something thats painful enough ,something that acts as if our angel but its evil .something that makes feel as if there is invisible cage around me not allowing me to take steps no its not my comfort zone its my mental illness and my own persona .i guess loving parents isnt enough making them feel more alive every single moment as they grow older is. 

Depression

Was it my fault that i love u too late,or was it that u gave up too soon...

3am Thoughts

I’m so confused making friendships. They say no ones perfect and I get that. And they say u have to make adjustments with every ppl regarding in their personality coz everything’s not picture perfect neither am I. But last thing I’d do to someone is make them feel less bout them and make them excluded in certain things.

My college friends always makes me feel like this. Makes fun of how I look sometimes makes fun of my interests and my dressing choices. They don’t do it often but they do it. I know how to take jokes but not insults. There’s difference. It’s ironic coz I don’t treat them the way they do. 

And I told my friend that I find this guy cute and might have a crush and all. She was mocking at me and told “ see I didn’t wanna tell u this is to make u feel sad but he texts me a lot blah blah” who does that? 
I just honestly feel excluded all the time and feel less acknowledged like it feels like my presence is not welcomed or validated there. I try not to break out and ruin my day. Even though I have talked to them million times bout this. They don’t seem to care or make a change bout this 





College

I had my exam today  my friend n me were  going  appear  together  as we are classmates .... we have a common  friend  who  was going  to help us but unfortunately  she had an urgent  work so she was out.... then we were accompanied by another  girl  who is my friend  too n bestfriend  of other girl  with whom i was going  to  give  exam..... she is the girlfriend  of my ex-boyfriend  i became  so conscious  , under confident ... I was blank as they were talking  about him.......but she helped  me  alot...alot .....Whenever  I  see her I  feel  like I am nothing  in front  of  her .. she is very  very beautiful,  kind , smart  you name it and she is it.........!

Anxiety

So brace yourself because this is going to be a long one…

In general, I am a pretty confident person in all aspects of my life and I am very optimistic since I feel I have some sort of control over them and I can maneuver whenever needed.
I have been single since I graduated which is almost 6 years now. I have trust issues and sometimes it gets difficult for me to take someone on their face value and I don’t like to judge people because then all I would see are their flaws, I try to better myself by each day. That is why I feel there is no way possible I’d be able to let go of myself onto someone else. The only guy I trusted completely was my brother and I had entrusted my future to him. Unfortunately, we don’t see eye to eye and I despise him as a human being, and now It is very difficult for me to equate myself with a guy anymore.
So, I became this very confident, self sufficient and content woman who doesn’t need anybody.
Until this random guy likes one of my pictures on social media and starts following me there. Thinking that I might be knowing him through mutual friends I followed back. We chatted a few times but since I had a project going on, it started out as a half hearted conversation. but he was very kind, understood that I was an overthinker, talked to me the way I would be comfortable. We realised that we lived very near to each other but still we couldn’t meet because of my work schedule, but he was very patient in that way. At that time his work was not at it’s peak courtesy covid-19. But we did end up meeting one day late at night, I was very hesitant in expressing my emotions during the chats, so I decided to smoke some joints before meeting him only because I knew my feelings would be on minimal since I had started liking him. He was talkative, I liked that and he was funny, he was calm and very honest.
The next day, he texted me saying that he liked me very very much. It was a good time really, I loved this experience. I used to have flings with foreigners before this guy and I was very confident and fine with them because they didn’t know much about me and my privacy used to be still intact.
Then came his projects and he would simply forget me for hours/days on end. It bothered because I couldn’t hide my feelings no longer.
So, I was the first one to say that this won’t work and we should stop talking to each other.

Guys, this is a very long story.
Lemme know if you want to know more, this is already too much,
Sorry. I am an overthinker and I write too much - that is what he would say. He told me that I should be a writer.
I know it was sarcasm but yeah.

Overthinking

I feel like nothing is left for me in this world, like I'm falling apart, and there's no one to pick me up. I feel like I don't belong in this world. I don't remember the last time I was actually happy. I'm hurting, and hurting myself, and everything just keeps getting worse, nothing seems to be right, my life is falling apart. And I don't know what to do. 

So I recently got engaged and I thought my friends would be excited to hear this, rather I got the opposite reaction, some totally ignored my post, some showed so less interest in knowing the details. 
I feel like I am the one who is always invested on people's happiness. Idk why everyone acted like that. 

Whoever did this, they're pulling all the strings.

-Det. Schenk, Spiral: From the Book of Saw (2021)

Movies

Have you ever fell in love with someone who hate you the most? 

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts