Romeo, save me
I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting, but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
💫❤️

Love

Anyone wanna talk about anything?? Like i don't have anything to talk but i can listen

Friends

Am trying hard to take things lite and easy but am unable to hit it yet. I feel I take things too personally many a times. For example, am out of my school group and college groups mainly because am not comfortable with the discussions. I am a person who either is involved in a group or tries to stay away. I can't be a mere non participating spectator anywhere. Am also worried at times that am unable to be a part of group. How do I balance it out?

Personal Growth

In short. 
I had a bf 5 yr older. He lost his job recentely. Wanted a break. I agreed even tho i hated it , i love hik and didnt wanna lose him. Its been over 2 months. He doesn’t wanna meet we talk like once a day. I have told him it bothers me a few times. Nothing changes. This is draining me but i love him soo much. 

Boyfriend

My mother spent a hell lot on my sister's wedding, we arranged for stuff that we could not afford, my sister is a very demanding person and on the other hand she ensured that everything she got was special and unique. Actually she cared less of how we were funding her wedding, my credit card was used for the wedding, and there, it all started. Its been 5 years since the wedding and it was my sister's promise to help repay all of my mother's loans. But, that did not happen, my mother got herself in more and more debt and i kept helping her repay whenever I could, I took loans to help her and what not, it was time for me to get married and we had arranged an engagement. The financial situation was not all that great at home but somehow we got a hall, very below average decoration (which was bad actually) and my clothes (hahhahahhaha), my sister's engagement clothes put together was close to 2L, mine in total was 4275 rupees. I wore a shiffon saree for first part and a silk saree later, this saree was purchased by my in laws, as a fashion student, i wouldn't even gift it to anyone or let alone allow anyone to purchase such a design. 
During my sister's engagement people even asked if this was the wedding (it was like a fairy tale), i was there before the ceremony to look after the decoration and there after it was over. People kept telling me that I should have been a boy. No, im happy being a girl and doing stuff like this. 
So at mine; My sister arrived to my engagement only when the ceremony was over and mocked me for setting up such a low life ceremony. 
No body took efforts to even dress for my engagement. (her's was themed)
My fiancé left me a year later, he was made to and I also know that this was his choice too, he saw me struggling to make ends meet with my family, my parents had separated, my father was very abusive and drunk all the time and my mother could not take it anymore. We moved in with my sister, to my nightmare it did not work out for me, I never had a place to sleep, I always felt unwanted and I was blamed for too many reasons. I started to notice the other side of my mother where she became very demanding for me to help her while she should have been this way with my sister, i was 27 then and it was high time for me to make a future for myself. I never had a social life and never had friends (still dont lmao), cause i was too ashamed and broke to go out anywhere.   Its been 4 years and the thought of hanging myself occurs to me everyday, but what will maa do without me. I finally saved some money to move into a new house and a nice one to start over, but take my mother and brother with me. But my sister followed, she claimed that she wasnt financially stable and she wanted mum around, we began living in a 3 bedroom house i rented and they ended taking over the place. For months during the lockdown I would lock myself in my room and smoke and work and work and work and nothing but just that. 
Finally, I found someone that shares somewhat a similar past and we decided that we should be living together. We moved in and there it started, my mother would call me everyday and discuss her problems and how she couldnt make ends meet, well of course i had to help, i ended helping her more than myself, I just wanted my mother's love, her approval, I was never her favorite, I always used to wear hand me downs to every first event of mine, from my baptism ceremony to any other event. I wanted consideration, I wanted attention, I wanted answer for all those years when I was alone at my graduation or sports day event or that time when I got a medal for all rounder. I am attractive, i dont look my age Im 29, but I realized that being all this doesnt gain you shit from family or any happiness ( I know its not all beauty). I grew up to abuse, phsyically mentally, being called a slut, while my sister is an angel, i dont hate my sister but why me? My partner  moments ago today threw my laptop cause he said that he is financially suffering because of me ( he is right), my face hurts, my head is swollen cause i was just hit by him, I have 0 in my bank account, he wants us to move out and i have no where to go now. 
Im not looking for help, no. But I dont own a diary, i have absolutely no privacy in my life so I used this page to write down something i felt like sharing. 
I dont pity my self, but can you believe that I dont know how it to be happy? Iv never experienced happiness, safety, a genuine smile, a friend, or true love. This is true loneliness... but i love my soul, i love the purity of giving, i love that side of me i love that about me. I am an angel to myself. Gosh, I cannot believe god created someone like me :).  

Lonely

Hi my dear friends ...
Good morning to all.... 


3am Thoughts

I can't say HELLO to you and risk another GOODBYE. -Taylor Swift 

Music

I loved someone a lot, that person claimed to love me for a while and then went on to date someone else. I was given only one reason that becoz going to different state soon so cant continue and went on with another person and kissed and called me to tell me that



Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts