Resentment… what a tiny little word that can really define me in a very great way in the position I find myself in.
These weeks I’ve felt myself fall down even though I made so much more progress with healing myself compared to all these years of my life, and I really wondered why; where was the issue? Wasn’t thing going well? Why this sudden fallen of my steem, activities and self-care journey?
Old patters came back and I’m really not doing anything about that which is… wrong. I always had this in mind this kind of behaviours always come back as a loop and no matter how much I tried I wouldn’t get out of it since I did the same things so many times; luckly for me, I believe I have a strong mind now and I’m willing to continue to be better without letting insecurities and irrational fears come to me. Still, this part of me has a point; why all of this keeps happening? I had in mind this “heal my self” journey wasn’t going to be easy but I didn’t expect to fall on my old patterns completly.
Many things can answer that which I already know, but this one is new to me: resentment. I truly believe I didn’t have it or was capable of it since I consider myself a peaceful person who barely gets angry or holds grudges, didn’t consider I was a person and I am capable of it after all.
Resentment to a specific family member which I leave with has been eating me inside for years, even now when I’m trying to be better. I think this feeling will ling with me since it’s been here a while, but I can try manage it.
This feeling that speaks and stabs me with: “they didn’t apologize. They never ackowledge you were in pain; never tried to understand you, your perspective or the situations you’ve been through at all. They never gave you or tried to give real help even though they do it for others. They will do it again if you trust them once more, if you let go of this feeling you will be destroyed when they do it again/it happens again and you don’t want to do that. I make you know better, at least you will expect it”… and so on. I got used to numb my feelings, but this one gets me right in the head. Even putting it into words makes my head hurt.
But after thinking and reading about this my only chance to get better is… letting go. Again. This family member disappointed me two times (or even more I would say), which makes my resentment even bigger and hard to let go.
Some of it is true. This family member never did what is listed above, and I believe they never will. But now, my only chance to get healthy and free from this prison I made for myself is having faith in them and believing they changed for the better.
Is shameful. The amount of shame and fear I have of even taking small steps about this is making me want to shut down completly, but I can’t keep this feeling anymore. Is making me crazy and do things I don’t want to do. Is so difficult, so shameful and painful… yet no one else will stand up this way for myself like I do and I will trust me to go through this. I have me and because of that I shall continue to do better.
It’s not really obvious to me since some thoughts, feelings and behaviors are already incorpored in my daily life and is difficult to pick up on but of course I will try. I acknowledge this person can potentially repeat some things from the past and I still remember what they did to me, however I don’t need resentment or me to yell at myself “TOLD YA!” if that ever happens. I don’t need that. And even so, I have to try to act as best as I can in the situation. It was not me fault before and if it occurs, I doubt it will be; I have faith my judgement will not fail to recognize my mistakes and others too.
Basically, letting go of resentment; trying to not listen to it neither to my feelings of shame and fear. Act better, get my life back together. And of course, try to use the beautiful habit of meditation.
(I have to admit too something I realized; I felt so much better when things were more peaceful and I was focusing solely for myself, that when things became more turbulent and I distracted from me and focused on this person instead that’s when I went down. Truly, resentment eats you up and distracts you from important things like oneself.)