Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

[RANT]
Living with a narcissistic mother is hell. More if you can’t escape from it.
A few months ago I discovered this by myself. All the signs were there, ARE there, but I couldn’t comprehend what it was until now. It is a deep relief to my soul because it’s like a confirmation that I’m not crazy, I’m not delusional, I’m not creating things or exaggerating. Years asking and telling myself: I’m alone with this? Is this ok? Why is no one doing anything about it? Maybe I’m making things up, I’m exaggerating, I’m a child maybe I’m taking things too far, she has traumas I should be more empathetic and don’t say anything, maybe it’s her medication, it’s her mental illnes I should endure… so many excuses and yet no justification exists for all the damn mental torture I suffered. We, my sisters and I suffered.
After all the wake up calls we told her, she still thinks she’s innocent. She did nothing wrong. I’m making things up. My traumas are not valid. My suffering and memories are not real. But they’re and I will not take the word of someone who constantly manipulated me and others through my life.
It’s infiuriating hearing how she shifts the blame to me or one of my sisters. “You were manipulated by your sister!” “… but well, you did not take me seriously and attacked me after all your sister did” “She’s lying” “Get over it, that happened long time ago” “That wasn’t so serious” “What are you afraid of? I never hitted you.” “People suffer worse than you.” “I never did that” “I don’t remember that, you’re inventing it. Your sister told you that didn’t she?” and so, so on.
Childs aren’t dumb. They never are. As a child, I realized how she changed personalities to every person she talked; even to my sisters. Yes, I know people have different ways to communicate between people and it’s normal; but the way she did and still does can’t compare to that.
I was her favorite because I knew how to read the room. I still do, but not like I was before because now I can’t handle people’s bullshit. I knew exactly how to react to what she said so I wouldn’t be yelled at. I was her golden child, the one who did well in school and told everything to mommy, the one who was always there for her… and it was hell. The emptiness grew bigger everyday, I was alone. I didn’t understand and even if deep down I knew, I pretended because I knew I couldn’t bare her anger. I was scared. Her yells, her stares, the possibility of getting hit… if it breaks me now writing this, the fear back then is something i don’t want to imagine.
I saw what she did to my sister. I saw it. I experienced it. I kept my mouth shut, what I was going to do? If I tell I could end up just like my sister. I had no one to run to, and I wanted to survive.
So I pretended. She showed me her “true side” but even now I don’t know anything about her life. I don’t even know about my own FATHER, so was I really listening to her true side or her angry egoistic one?
She talked shit about my sister? Agreed. The neighbour? Yeah he’s a weirdo. Some idea I didn’t agree with in general? Just stay silent and agree. Say yes. Say something else so she doesn’t suspect.
My life was that. I never leaved the house, so the internet was the only thing keeping me sane and alive. It kept me woke. My dopamine, the thing my life depends or I break to my miserable reality. I was going to the church and was my escape too, but I never ended up feeling well accepted there. That and the complains of my mother, asking me everyday if I really wanted to go there. “I’m tired, I don’t want to go. Just you know I’m doing this for you.” I decided not to go anymore. She was celebrating.
It’s overwhelming and awakening just thinking about this. 9yo me was talking to an internet friend about ESCAPING home and trying to plan my life, deciding what to take to survive. It’s madness. A child should never think like that and it’s so fucked up.
My mother never teached my some basic things and it’s so frustrating talking about this. All my friends knew how to tie their shoelaces, we were old enough to know about it after all… but I didn’t. It was so embarrassing everytime I had to ask my friends to tie them for me because I didn’t know. I blamed myself for it I blamed my mother for some part but the shame I felt was just for me. After insisting her she finally teached me, it’s fucking disappointing. I tried to save my time to searching through youtube but I never understood.
Another thing is cutting my own food. She never EVER teached me about it. She always babyied me, even to that point. I learned how to when I went to my uncle’s friend house; I had to cut something but I didn’t know how to. I was embarrassed to ask so I tried figuring out myself… needless to say I failed and he had to teach me. I was 11. The shame I felt was unbereable.
TW Blood menstruation mention //
She never teached me about how period works and what should I do when it came, and the education in school doesn’t help either. I had to search it all myself through internet and honestly I’m thankful, but thinking about it… how can you not talk to your daughter about this…? she’s conservative but really. i can’t find the reason to not explain how it works. //
My memory is bad, but I can remember some things. Even if my mind tries to block them. It’s sad how I remember useless and painful things like the times she compared my sisters to me just because I was doing everything “good” (to her); the times I cried and I had to pretend it wasn’t me, I was laughing. She would not understand. And I was right: she never did. Everytime I remember her coming everyday to my sister’s house asking me to come back makes me sick, it repulses me. She needed me because I was her validation, her good child, the only one who listened… I don’t feel sorry for leaving her one bit.
Sadly I’m a minor. No it shouldn’t be sad but the situation is what it is. My sister couldn’t keep me anymore, and I had to come back to the house. I was blamed. I was blamed for things I didn’t know, things I didn’t do. I was humilliated. I had to take it all, I silenced myself by fear and anger once again. Seeing how my sisters left me felt like a betrayal and it still hurts, it’s something I’m working on, but there’s nothing I can do.
I know sometimes they pretend in front on her because there’s no point in arguing with mom. She always win, in a way or another. But I know they decided to forget just to keep the peace and try to be normal; just because she’s our mother. They repressed it because… they have other lifes. They can’t focus on this forever. And even if it shouldn’t be ok, I have to accept their choice; I can’t control that. And like I said, I decide to forgive them not because of them; because of me. I can’t keep tormenting myself with questions with no answers or well known answers and reminiscing the past over and over again.
How are things now? Well… I would say it’s better now that the truth is out. But definetely are not good. There’s this weird balance keeping things in order and I don’t know how much it will last, and for that I’m preparing myself to be stronger.
I’m definetely the “evil” child now. I don’t regret it lmao. She’s not as manipulative as before, but that’s because we talk little. She didn’t take the blame once and just said sorry because she was obligated to btw. Always victimizing herself and is to not surprise.
My sisters? Super friendly to her. The good daughters, the loving ones. Between them? Somehow my sisters managed to get angry at each other for no reason. Both of them can’t give me any particular reason. They have to get that anger get to someone I guess.
And me? I’m living. Surviving as I always do, with the exception I’m trying to change. I can’t do much about the situation I’m living, I can’t control things I can’t control; for now I will focus on myself. I tortured myself mentally so much, I couldn’t live in peace neither of my both worlds. Why should I be the only one in pain? What’s that gonna accomplish except breaking to a point of no return? “Friends come and go but family is always there, you have to accept it even if you don’t like it. Is like that” LIES. Blood doesn’t equal family, and I don’t have to be ok with it just because of it. Thinking you can’t connect with people it’s such a depressing mindset, and it’s so fake. Ask whatever person in the world and they will tell you how this is wrong. Very wrong. Also, she didn’t consider someone who is always going to be there for me. Me, Galexia. I’m always going to be there for myself, and I don’t and I won’t make my life more painful and miserable. I have so much to live for, there’s a world out there I want to breathe and feel. I might be “too young” “too stupid” whatever, and I do not care. Let me learn. Let me be. I will try to forgive, to let the universe do it’s thing, accept I have to fight, accept that my mother is who she is and I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to help herself and I shouldn’t expect a genuine sorry for her; that’a too late.
Me. I. Myself. Galexia. I’m healing, I’m doing something for myself. I’m trying, I’m learning. I have to let go, feel. Accept love and learn to give love letting go of shame, come in terms with myself; discover how I work, take care of my conscious and subconscious. Change bad mind patterns, learn to seek help. Express without shame. Write, think, feel, see, try without judging me or others.
It’s a process and it’s complex. Oh boy that it’s complicated, but I have to… and I am going to do something about myself because I’m finding hope and love even in the shambles of me.