Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Problem -
mera din bhar normal chal rha hai pr koi thought ya feeling trigger ho ja rha hai phir main sochte chale ja rha hun aur uske baad andar se feeling sad ho ja rha k6 krne ka mn nhi kr rha hai n pdne ka n k6 aur bs aankh bnd krke sona chahta hun aur phir pura din aur raat bit ja rha hai jb tk main soke phir se n uthu tb tk mujhe ku6 aur krne ka mn hi nhi kr rha bss so jana chahta hun main

( ye chize pi6le 4 saal se chal rhi hai phle main mobile mein note likhta tha pr likhte likhe sb note bhar gyi keep note aur Microsoft ka one note bhut jyada bhar chuka hai ki main unhe nhi smjh nhi skta hun)

Mujhe pdne hai pr main padh nhi paa rha hun.
Main subh se hi apne thought aur feeling se bahr nhi aa pa rha hun.

Jb tk in thought ar feeling p discuss n kr lun tb tk main pdai nhi kr paunga…

Thought-
1 main chahta hun duniya ruk jaye ya main gayb ho jau duniya se kyonki main phas chuka hun main harne wala hun aur brbad hone wala hun mera 4 yr btech ka brbad hone wala hai …
Lekin ye chiz main pi6le saal bhi chaha tha aur uske baad bhgwan ne covid krke college bnd ho gya mujhe time mila 1yr apne aap ko apni gltiyon ko Sudharne k liye pr iske bawjood phir after 1 yr bhi main kmjor hun mujhe aur time Chahiye
Lekin ab sby khatm hone wala hai aur main brbad ho jaunga mere sare sapne tutne wale hai aur ye mujhe pi6le 2saal se dar rha tha ki khi main haar na jau aur iske bawjood in 2 saal k baad bhi main apne dar p jit nhi pa paya … Ye meri failure hai ab isme koi hope nhi hai ye hoke rhega ab…

3 Aaj ek information thi jo main share krna chaha kisi se
Pr main paya ki koi mera apna hai hi nhi jisase main k6 bhi share kr sku
Aur agar main unlog ko ye information share kru mtpb jo mujhe apna mante hai to we khus ho jayenge mujhe phone krenge mujhse baat krenge aur mera aur time brbad krenge aur main k6 unse puchhna chahunga to wo nhi btayenge

mujhe dost manane wale bhut hai wo sb mujhe apna maan k mujhe apni 1-1 personal baat jbrdsti sunate hai. In 4 saal mein ye dost jo mujhe apna manate hai itna mera time brbad kiye hai aur main sunta gya kyonki main feel krta tha ki wo mujse thoda jya poor hai ya uske father mother thode jyada old hai ya mujhe apne dost ki baat sunani Chahiye

Pr is duniya m koi bhi nhi hi jisase main apni feeling share kr sku jise main apna samajh k apni preshani bta sku
Maa papa se bhi main k6 bhi share nhi krta hun. Lekin abse main thoda bhut jrur share krunga apni feeling ko, lekin main unhe apni preshani sunake aur preshna nhi krna chahtahun

3 meri sbse bdi kmjori hai ki main apne trike se jindagi nhi ji rha hun. Jha rhta hun wha koi na koi dost mujhe gulam bna leta hai phir wo mujhe apni puri baate usko jo man hai wo baat mujse krta rhta hai
Phir wo pdai kr leta hai uske baad mobile m song chalane lgta hai ya baat krne lgta hai aur phir main pdai nhi kr pata hun pr iske bawjood main use mna nhi kr aise
Aise hi bachpn se chala aa rha jitne bhi mere dostb jo mujhe apna bolte hai wo aaj tk mujhse happy baat krte hai aur hmesa mere sath time spend krna chahte hai pr ab main unse bhut dur bhag jana chhata hun kyonki main unka gulam bn chuka hun wo mujhe apne anusar nacha dete hai aur main bs ha mein ha krta rhta hun.

4 kya vc sir ya professor meri baat ko smjhenge notice m to likha tha ki jo nhi agree hoga unka separate exam krayenge pr ab after covid k kewl k6 student k liye college wale exam krayenge …
In 4 yr m college wale student k demand p koi baat mane - Nhi - To ye kaise maan lenge - aur tb phur main kya krunga agar vc sir mna kr diye ???

5 Main new yr p resolution liya hun ki aaj k baad main jh rhunga wha apne emotion ko apni feeling ko jaise past 20yr se neglect ya dusro k samne aoni feeling ki value nhi krta hun aaj k baad main aisa koi step ya action nhi krunga jh main apni feeling k against kiya…
Is Resoulution ko mujhe bhulna nhi hai…

Feeling-
1 ye mhsus ho rha ki ye duniya meaningless hai
2 main jo kr rha wo sb k6 ek din khtm ho jyga
3 main akela hun life mein
4 k6 bhi shi ya glt decision nhi le paa rha
5 main apne aap ko bhut chizo mein week pa rha hun
6 main chahta hun ki jinhone mujhe mere purane ghar se nikala hai unse bdla le sku ya bhgwan unko sbk sikhaye
7 jinhone mere papa ko preshan kiya unse bdla chahiye
8 un sbhi ladko ko main maaf nhi kr skta jo mere papa ko gali deke mjak udate kyonki wo ek ******* hai
9 un aone dosto ko maaf nhi kr skta jo apni khusi k liye mujhe brbad kiya ya actual mein main apne aap ko maaf nhi kr paunga ki main apna time, money, apne maa papa k dream ko soche bjay apne dosto k karan apni life brbad kr diya.

10 un professor ya teacher ko nhi bhulna chahta jinhone mujhe kwl draya hai kewl aur ant mein mere time brbad kiya aur bs isliye taki wo thoda superior bn ske ar student professor se dre ki fail to nhi kr dega

Pr ye thought aur feeling khtm hi nhi ho rhe hai
Aur kya likhu aise to bhut si inferiority hai sawla hun, pdne m accha nhi hun, dressing sense ni hai, table tennis k 2 aise match hai jinhe haara hun main bhula nhi skta baar basr jb bhi yaad ata hai main emotional ho jata hun,
akela hun bchpn se, single hun ya koi mtlb nhi kyonki main aaj tk koi crush bnaya hi nhi kyonki main apne aap ko love ya gf iske liye main eligible nhi hun, akele rhna chahta hun puri jindagi bhar , logo espcl dosto se bhut dar lgta chahta hun sbse kewl anonymously hi baat kru, koi talent nhi hai na hi main koi smart hun,
Is note ko bhi likhe se kya fayda isase bhi k6 thik nhi hone wala jo hona hai wo hoga hi main bs dekh skta hun baki jo hona hai wo to hoke hi rhega