only he knows in his silence, in the dark of night when he's left to his own thoughts, if what he did or didn't do was the right choice. . only he knows

3am Thoughts

My anxiety to me:- Jitni tu milti jaaye utni lage thodi thodi 🥲🙂

Anxiety

I really need some way to lose weight quickly, I've been putting on weight and honestly it made me feel like shit.
I don't want to gain weight in my life, it's not that I'm fatphobic, it's just that the only pretty/nice part of me is my body, I've never been complemented for my face or personality, the only thing that I've been complemented for is my figure, my mother (who is overweighted btw) have always told me to never gain weight because it's the only pretty part in me, I grew up hearing those words and now I'm scared to put on weight, scared that I won't be pretty in anyone's eyes.
At some point I want to recover, but another part of me says that I will regret it, I seriously don't know if I want to get better or worse, but what I know is that I want to lose weight right now.
I'm 165cm (5'5) and 46kg btw. I know I'm already 'skinny' but having an eating disorder when I was 7 affected me honestly, mentally and physically. 

Eating Disorder

Is anyone studying fashion here? Business/market/management/merchandising etc.. Cause I wanna join too but there is just a lot of option so I needed someone who kinda already know and can advice me..?

Career

Could anyone help me! I really need a frnd , when ppl need me to make them smile or make them happy, coz I’m good @ it they would call me… talk to me… spend time wid me. N promises me that I would be there for u anytime… n when u get into that dark room no one is there. To hold ur hand. Or to even just say" ho jaega sb thik " , I’m so regretting for being kind to them… I’m feeling so lonely. Its eating me everyday… I got a breakup too 1 week ago. My sadness amplitude is just increasing . 🥺 Night = wet pillows , n no one is around to whom I could share.

Anyone on insta

Lonely

It's so difficult to me to maintain friendships, it makes me wonder how I will do in the future with more serious relationships.
I can form connections. I can go and make friends if I want to, socialize and communicate with a group or a community (with a single person is more difficult and I'm still working on getting better in that aspect yet...).
My only problem is maintaining them and my feelings along the way. In real life happened, but in social media occurs all the time. And the worse of all is I don't know how to feel about this... sometimes it feels wrong, I don't want this to keep happening, yet my actions say otherwise. I encountered a variation of people throghout the short period of life I'm living and I'm sure I will find many different ones, and when I make a connection of some sort, I feel obligated to put effort in maintaining them; I don't want to. Of course every friendship needs effort to make it work, if one wants to be comprehended we need to communicate about ourselves and all that... I just don't feel like it. And it's so selfish from my part, because if I need to talk to someone in a specific moment I go and talk to them but when they do the same (or just want to talk to me in general) I always respond late or make blockages of some sort.
This sounds so wrong. I know what actions I make and what consequences they lead, but the feeling that comes with doing them is stronger than my rational thinking. The constant ignoring, cut off talks, make up excuses, showing lack of interest... sadly just now it starts to sink in even if I was aware of them long time ago.
I want to blame to the way I was raised and how I'm ashamed of showing who I am and showing all kinds of affect towards others, how my inability to show my emotions due to fear of judgement and lack of understanding from others makes me incapable of putting all of me into a connection; making everyone meaningless to me. Also the fact that is difficult to form connections if we're just communicating by internet. 
But obviously, majority of this is a me problem and I won't deny I am at fault. Recognizing the problem is the first step and is good I'm aware. Bad is that I'm not treating it, and that means I'm not taking care of myself good enough.
I noticed my patterns when it comes to join a new community (specially on internet). Everytime someone wants to know me more deeply, I either 1. Walk away (which I have rights to do so if I don't like the person or they're neutral to me but bad if I was really interesed in being friends) 2. Let them, then I leave them into nothingness due to all thr causes I said before. And the cycle repeats itself.
Now that I'm doing a project I'm passionate about, I need to communicate to my partners and the larger community I'm in. Which is fine, I enjoy it and I decided to stay since I'm happy about it. However, it came to the inevitable phase of "we spend a lot of time together time to get know each other deeply" and it's... uncomfortable. I don't want this. I didn't want something more than a surface level. But it's inevitable, and I'm scared. Scared of how I might react, how they will treat me if I fuck up. I don't want this project to go to waste and I want to stop generating them negative emotions, hurting people. And it's so, so difficult. Because I'm so used to loneliness and my own independence, even if I depend in some things I rarely depend and let others in when it comes to my emotional side. I don't even know how my caring side is, since when I do it it feels fake to me it's uncomfortable. And I'm so sorry for the people I left behind without an explanation, for those who I abandoned, didn't give them enough care... I lost them all and even if I appreciate the lesson (or if these people were kinda shitty for my life) I feel the regret and I can't help but feel sorry. It's difficult, super difficult to control something I don't even know what it is... it's a foggy confusion and actions with zero feelings.
I don't know if I'm making sense now. Just a rambling numb dumb text, since that's how I feel most of the time when I'm talking to others. It isn't supposed to make myself feel understood even when at times I crave that. I'm putting my thoughts and feeling into place and trying to figuring out where I go.
I will try, I will try even harder to know how to heal this aspect of myself properly and taking care of others better as I go. It's a mess right now but it's never too late and I believe in myself and the fact that I can find motivation to keep going, like I always been able to get myself of off the ground many times.

Friends

Being a listener, it doesn't only the member but also, helps me to understand life better. 
Anyone wishes to discuss their problem or any doubts related to life, we can dive together in precious conversation. 
Wishing you all a great day ❤️❤️

Anyone wanna connect?

I feel hopeless these days, i am not happy with anything going on in my life.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts