Okay so my parents divorced when I was like 3. I have no memory of them being together or anything. I visited my dad’s every other weekend from about 5 or 6 till I was 12. My mom has never been a super affection but my dad had a habit of hugging and kissing me every time he picked and dropped off me and my brother for the weekend, telling us goodnight, etc… My Dad and I were never really on the same wavelength he was very much a masculine sporty guy and I was a quiet, anxiety riddled little girl who had absolutely no interest in sports so I never had much to talk to him about. Despite this I created a huge attachment around him. I knew he favored my brother over me and it always made me sad but I loved my dad. Well when I was 12 my Dad cut me off. He cut off all contact spontaneously and I have only seen him in passing since. I’ve always carried a huge weight over it and it flung me into a depression when I was 13. I felt like I had to have done something wrong if my Dad didn’t even want me. As a 20 year old now I understand issues are wayyyy more complex than that but I still carry an immense weight over it. We both live in the same small town and I see his house literally everyday in passing and I always think about reaching out to him. But…I’m terrified. I feel like I want to write a letter explaining how I felt and how I feel now and telling him I will always love him but I’m so scared that I won’t get a response. Because at that point doesn’t it mean all my assumptions were right? That he really just didn’t love me or want me? But I feel like if I don’t then I’ll live the rest of my life missing a piece of me and forever yearning for him to be there. I don’t know what to do and I’m just looking for an opinion that isn’t coming from my mom (who still holds a lot of anger and resentment about the whole thing) or family trying to just tell me what they think I want to hear.
This is a tough situation. On one hand I want to say don’t look for him, don’t write to him or anything because he was the one who left you and there isn’t no point in trying. What for? He doesn’t deserve it… on the other hand I want to say do it, write a letter get everything off your chest Only if you are prepared and ready to handle everything. From a no response,to a response but hurtful or maybe a good response. Things can go either way here. Stop and think this… if something bad was to happen to him would you be content with the choice you’ve made ? Life is short .
If I am being honest I usually just flip a coin in torn situations, it’s like I’m letting destiny or the universe help me decide. Good luck with whatever you chose to do .
I suggest you to talk to your mom, and tell her all these feeling. Convince your mom or try to engage with her to know more that what is making her scared or why she didn’t took this initiative? And I think after that, you can reach out to your dad one time by letter or phone call and see what he says about things.
That way you will be clear in your mind that what has been going on?
But respect that mother who has been with you in this time.
Let him know your feelings through your brother.
Make sure your brother in 1st place understand your genuine feelings, and try to figure out if he stands with you.
Nevertheless, if you are not hopeful about him,
Walk in rather than write to him
Talk to him 1 on 1.
This shall clear all the clouds of speculations.
Either he will have you
You will let him go for good.
Act now to gain your peace of mind and to shape your life accordingly.
Just contact him, or this weight will get heavier and heavier. sum up all your courage and just go for it. You have seen the worse. He cannot do anything worse than leaving you.
Maybe he also want to talk to you but he doesn’t have that much courage.