Numb. That’s my answer to this question.
Should I feel anything when everyone around me pretends like I don’t have feelings and can take whatever shit they are saying.
Actually it has been just like that and I am used to it. Pathetic right? And the best thing is these are the people whom I used to trust with all my heart who are hell bent on breaking me.
They should be happy to know that I broken years ago. It’s just a shield of my pretending nature that is stopping me from drowning yet.
I don’t why I bothered to come here anyway. But I guess I just want to see myself trying to open up. Though it doesn’t matter. Nothing ever does. All I have done or do never matters because I was just mistake in the first place to my parents right? I really wish to be in some parallel universe where I had things differently. Well just like the chaos , string theory is in tight now, the possibility of parallel universe is just like an illusion. Right everything feels like illusion. Like I don’t even know how I became this broken from a person who didn’t care about what others say. But it hurts and hurts so badly when they are your own parents whom you want to appreciate you sometimes for your achievements instead of ignoring you . And I want to tell these to them so badly but fate is never with me right. I am just a burden to them even when they don’t have to pay for my needs. That’s really such a toxic relationship and I am tired of bearing it. But the harsh truth is I have to pretend like I am okay because that’s what is left nowadays. Pretending to be okay. Anyways even if I know that nobody will know this. I am happy to write it off. Gosh I miss the old me who would beat me for being so illogical and weak to think about coming on this site. She would say You don’t even have to drop by such places cuz your better than this. But now…I just don’t find that old me who would never become or act like me. It’s all pathetic, useless and not me. It might sound confusing and funny actually but that’s all what feeling numb does to you. Answer is over.
I can feel everything u wrote…
Well, I don’t know if you are spiritual but you are in a similar place to me. I am a bit habitually stuck, that parallel universe does exist, it is the one where you transform your experiences and fit them to a greater destiny, the parallel where instead of caving in and internally collapsing, you explode like a new star and take and turn it completely around. I think you are on the verge of being able to willfully do and go where you please. Try setting your own sails, try reversing it all, take charge and let yourself shine and lead the way…surely if you get to a good place, your history and steps will be those that lead to that good place. It is a time where people like you and me need to change the personality and flow of the environment around us. I imagine that you could tell yourself that these people are really all sort of calling out for help themselves and beating themselves up in the form of you. You are the hope, accidental birth is far from what it is, but because you are so capable and so deep, it is scary and we often divert to that non-favorable place because really, nobody has ever stepped all the way into their destiny and it makes it seem like everything is a huge mistake…I would say you have a very big person with a very big step to take and put forward and I think this is time to do it and get it over with and never look back, just keep on going.
Actually I just read a note in my diary from one of the friends I had , and her words really struck me hard.
You don’t know until when you’re going to live or die. So just respect the live you’re living once and live with no regrets. So the day of your farewell you will have a content smile.
Actually these words mean a lot to someone who has limited time to live so it was her perspective. But I think I m tired enough of regrets and complains and hate ,I have collected for the people around me. Now I am just going to stop and live with no regrets because it’s better letting myself drown in a void.
Thankyou for your opinion.
Have a great day and hope you too enjoy the life.
:)
