Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Not only today, but i’ve been feeling sick of my life for the past 2 years and i’m starting to get tired of trying to control that feeling…
Everything is going wrong, whatever i do, i end up feeling not happy and not in my place…
I’m 21 years old and i have a reaaaaally needy family, like i got to do stuff my father can’t do anymore cause he’s sick, my mom always needs help for the chores and i gotta do an internship with a shitty boss and a part time job.
This family shit isn’t really new since i got used as a kid that i simply can’t say no to anyone home, and if i do, i literally get blamed for random stuff going wrong in the house, and it’s because i do nothing that everybody is so tired… I used to cope with this cause i could go out with my friends which i used to have the best moments in my life with, and now, i pratically hate being around them, i don’t feel comfortable anymore and i don’t know if it’s because i changed, or they did ? Or maybe it’s because of that girl i could’ve died for that ended up playing me and cheating back in 2018 ? Idk tho…
I can’t move on nothing, i can’t make my own decisions and each time i think or speak of leaving, all these responsabilities (mostly towards my family) makes me feel guilty…
I’ve been friends with my 5 some pals for years now, 2 of them maybe for 5 years and the other three for +10 years, and today there’s a huge quiet when i’m talking alone with one of them, i just don’t know what to say anymore or what to do… and i get a hard time getting over some jokes that my friends innovently do or say about me, like it’s normal but it sinks in my head and gets trapped and keep overthinking it
Not to mention the poor quality of my sexual life of course, since i couldn’t have a girlfriend for 2 years and that’s for the simple fact that i’m fucking broke, my family spending shit tons of money on renewing some shit in the house and on their own personal pleasure without even asking me once if i was needing something or is there anything they could buy me that’d help…
I mean i know some people have it way worse than me and wars and crimes and stuff… But what’s the point if i just can’t be happy… Living a life where the only moments that can make me smile are when i’m in front of my pc or when i’m holding my phone…
Tbh idk i just feel like i need to express myself more about what i feel but being a man in 2021 means no one gives a shit about how you feel.
I just don’t wanna die but i don’t wanna live like this