Not me cutting off with everyone and complaining I don't have friends 

It's better to cut fake friends than have people who never cared for us  in our lives 

Well for first I’ve always thought scl friends are everything , after I went into Pre-university even over there I had scl friends which never made me less of scl friends , so I used to hang with them , but slowly in 12th , the group totally changed , they did remove me from their gang I was fine with it , I had my fellow mates which they’re awesome we used to have so much fun in the Puc but later after 12th no guys intended to contact anyone I just felt there’s some ego nd ignorance in the whole gang , I agree they’re little egoistic but still what are they doing even , I just did move on it was basically the holidays after 12 th due to the covid the admission of degree had been pushed late forward so I was damn alone where I had no one , I always made friends outside of my clg nd scl bcz they had the ego of whatever’ but still after I come into degree I just look back there’s no scl friend who’s there for me totally okay cool but now I got my clg friends over here sometimes I get irritated bcz of their ego sometimes, just in degree I have totally a different group of circle which I’m proud of that I don’t have any past people but still I got 3 people of my clg mates but fine with it just lookin it at how far I’ve have came 

Now&Me Thinks

I feel like a burden. All of my life I've always struggled to make friends and when I finally do they suck. They always say like "I love you" to each other then say stuff like "f#%$ you, you're annoying, shut up" to me. It makes me feel horrible and I've tried to make other friends for so many years but they've never stuck. It's just gonna be a never ending cycle and there's no point. I don't want to stay anymore, there's no point people always say stuff like "it gets better" but my mom, grandmother, dad, and grandfather aren’t happy, they’re never happy.

Life

Hello everyone, I never had constant friends in my life to whom I can turn to for advice, sharing happiness etc. I have like its  a circle. They come in to my life when I get myself back together take their sweet time in understanding the real me and then suddenly they get few more other friends and ghost me for months until they want someone to vent out their problems. This had been the issue for a very long time. When I try to turn to my family for support I realize even they treat like that. I got used to this cycle at one point but at times it hurts a lot and I don't know how to stop this cycle from happening?

Anxiety

Is it weird that I feel like my friends are forgetting me? I have a group of friends whom I have known since middle school and we ended up going to different high schools. We were the best of friends and every time we plan on going to the cinema or eating out, they never ask me, they tell me and we plan it out together. But now we made new friends in our current schools but I still talk to them, well one out of the two. I get that we're busy and stuff but they never bother to say hello first and it just makes me feel irrelevant. out of the two friends, I still talk to one and we're still close and recently he invited me to picnic with him and the other friend, however,  instead of feeling excited I feel like I'm intruding and I starting to feel like it's not my place anymore to be with them. The worst part is that I chose to go to a different school because it had a subject that would help with my future career and I feel like it's my own fault for letting this happen.

Friends

what's your take on  friends? Like I've had this issue or whatever since many years now. I don't know what happened. I had a couple of really good friends in school, thought they'd be around forever types, thought that friendship was genuine. But girls and their drama and they all drifted apart. I have like very selected real close ones. But to be honest, it always bothers me why? I am not really part of the trendy or the happening groups, nor those who went to fancy schools/uni. It's just so mentally stressful, sometimes just to really wonder if I'm missing out on all the amazing stuff. I really don't know, what it is, the people in my class or just in general, I no longer connect with anyone in that deeper sense. It's not like I go around hating people. But I feel nobody really likes me, and like never really felt that forever feeling staying. I really don't know if all this makes sense. I don't even really like my birthday tbh. 
I feel really alone when I see all the posts by people celebrating so many years of friendship. It's just idk.It's not like I Don't like being by myself, I absolutely love it! I love myself and I love spending time with my thoughts and talking to myself. I've actually started loving myself more and more when I finally started to value my presence in others lives and figured out my priorities. I felt free. I had this gang in highschool, we were extremely close almost family like. And then by the end of 10th grade somehow I was cornered and just left out. I always try to overcome all this, but it's just not happening. Professionally I'm good in getting stuff done and networking and working in a team and all that. But when it comes to the personal aspect, I feel nobody is really there for me as much as I am for them. It can be small things like replying to my texts or something like that. I don't know what went wrong. Lol. I still remember in 5th grade I had this book to keep track of my friends and their birthdays and favourite colours, and I would rank them and all. Stuff like that, come back often. Was it because I wasn't allowed to "hangout" or spend as much with them? Was it because I never was cool because I never really had a proper boyfriend to chat on Facebook but just lame crushes? Was it because I didn't know people who went to posh schools? This particular girl, X  was one of my closest friends, I completely broke when we drifted apart. I don't think I have gotten closure . And it's just so dramatic, that there was Y who didn't like me that much and now they post 14 years of friendship on their stories. I really don't know. . I feel because of them, I lost trust or belief in friendship altogether. Now it's just materialistic and idk vv thought provoking as to how much this should and is affecting me. 
I did make wonderful brilliant friends later on, and those friendships are truly ❤️, I'm blessed. But somewhere I feel the truest sense of innocent friendship died with them. And that's stayed all this while. I did try reaching out, but when there's no effort from the other side, it's just a dull game of self respect woes. Ashte. Now given the pandemic and lockdown, we've literally spent a whole of 4 five months on campus in these 18(almost) months of so called "undergrad". This constant feeling of "I'm missing out on so many people, stuff, / I've already missed out on making real friends/future partners (professionally) just that community gang feeling. " It's just mentally taxing. But I'm making the most of whatever resources I have and trying to go beyond, " can you send me the assignment please"😂 I'm manifesting thissss and everything else. I'm trying and trying to really regain my confidence and just regain my belief in all the things I so innocently believed in back in my gap year. As they say, when you've hit rock bottom the only way is up, just that. 

Mental Health

I feel the need to vent, and I support and welcome any comments and suggestions... I feel exhausted, like all the time. I'm 26 and I feel like I wasted my entire life already, like I know I haven't but it doesn't feel like I'll ever get to have the experiences I really want, like, I've never even been to a party, do house parties not exist anymore? Yea I know Covid has that shut down right now but still even before then. I used to have a good group of friends and we all hung out on Discord playing games and D&D together, but due to multiple reasons I don't feel comfortable playing D&D with them anymore and it's given me less and less of a reason to be around them. I like them, for the most part, but I feel so unimportant to all of them that it doesn't even matter I haven't been in the chat for like 8 months. My other group of real world friends (whom I only met about 5 years ago) I honestly cherish more than anything else, but I feel more like an outsider than their friend. I know it's probably wrong, but I feel like I only get invited to things as a side thought. I hate myself so much, and I think it leads to me isolating from everyone all the time, and I go through these phases of getting over that and hanging out with everyone like everything's fine and then I vanish for month's. I worry about the days where I finally decide to isolate myself from the people I know in real life, cause I for sure will kill myself... I'm not trying to cause alarm for any who are reading, I really am in a good place and honestly one of the best mental health stages of my entire life. But if nothing else, others would describe me as shrewd and to the facts, and I honestly believe if those days come I will kill myself, so I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to turn my life around to stay away from that. I like my job, but it could be better. I live with my parents, but I'm saving up to try to buy my own place. I have a girlfriend but that's extremely complicated right now. I'm so tired of being alone on weekends, but I'm terrified to ask people to hang out with me. I feel like I missed the "party" stage of college and high school and now I don't know how to go out and make friends. I started going to raves with my a few of my friends and unsurprisingly that spiked my anxiety levels to a point I didn't even think possible, like I consider myself a pretty chill guy, really laid back go with the flow, all cool baby, and here I am having literal panic attacks at a silent disco (for those who don't know its  a small silent dance floor and everyone is given headphones to jam to at their own leisure) and it doesn't help that I feel like an outsider even with the people that are there "with me". There's a lot of times I hope and pray that reincarnation is real so that when I die, I can get another chance and hopefully not fuck it up again, and I get this feeling of being stuck, like, I don't expect to die of natural causes for like 60 years, and I'm gonna try VERY hard to stay away from jumping off a building, if for no better reason than that if I do, and heaven and hell do exist, then I probably won't end up in the same realm as my kitten that I had to put down last year.... I'm not trying to write a sob story, but it hurt... And she felt like a reason for me to get my life on track and fix everything, I was actually extremely motivated to change for her, and then she had to leave... And now I have nothing.

Anyways I think that's all I have to say, I think it helps to just have my thoughts written down and exposed to the world, so feel free to comment or don't.

Overthinking

How and why do people confuse between acquaintances ,you call me a friend infront of me yet here i am the only one keeping the text chain alive, you tell us we are good guy friends not like others and still you never chat or send memes , you say that we literally would like a guy like you not you but someone like you . See if you like hanging out with me but never text me never tell me something interesting or hear about it and never message me you are mistaking your friendship as acquaintances.

3am Thoughts

Many people think I have a lot of friends but in reality I only know a lot of people and maybe talk to many of them. There's a huge difference. Let that sink in.

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts