No girlfriend ,no girl best friend lagta h ladkiyon se durr durr tak mera rishta nhi bnne wala 😂😂

It's not that I don't want to leave my current job. I'm hell tired here. But my ki agar new co. Mein join karu toh atleast koi future prospective se. Ki haa ye xyz co. Join ki toh kuch toh aage jaake kuch toh professional experience or say a career haath mein ho. Recently jaha interview deke aai hu. I posted abt that here before. The co. Is like good. Small finance Bank hai. Timing issue ho raha hai. Idk ig 14 or 16k pay karenge. Duty hrs will be from 9:30 start nikalne ka time nhi. Aur they clearly said no to holidays. And here I'm planning to complete my graduation. Along with some other skills too. And muje uske liye bhi toh time Dena padega. Ab ye baat mai mere mom dad ko kaise samjhau they are like tu kar le tu kar le aage dekha jayega. Tbh  agar 9:30 se 7 tak bhi time bolte na accept kar leti. 7:30 tak nhi pull kar leti. But they are saying 8 se pehle not possible. Idk yrr kya Karu kuch samjh nhi aa raha hai.... if I say no will I wrong?? 


Career

Usne breakup kiya to screenshot mene uske ghar pe send kr diya ab uske papa ne case kr diya kya kru guys. 

Breakup

Being sensitive,
ab ye time aa gya hai ki kuch feel hi nahi ho raha,
na kisi ka aana, na kisi ka jaana
pata nahi kis mod par aa gayi he zindagi,
sab hi thik lag rha hai, par nahi bhi 
kuch feel hi nahi ho raha hai.
So filhal,
kal project review hai, or yaha mene presentation banani shuru bhi nahi ki, I know kal kya hone wala hai mera, puri class hogi, bharpur class lene wale hai profesors meri. Koi rancho bhi nahi hu me, jo sab ho jayega, itna stress, worry ho chuki hai, ki ab kuch bhi feel nahi ho raha, kuch nahi ho raha hai, par bas yahi hai.
Itna khatam ho chuke hai
Kuch bacha hi nahi

 


Exhausted

Mujhe future ki bahut tension ho rahi hai , I'm just 20 I have anxiety 24*7 because of it, ghar se dur hun lagta hai bhag ke ghar chali jaun mummy ke paas aur bol dun ki mujhse nhi hoga but aesa nahi hai ki I can't do it. I just need to fight this anxiety and move on from it . Jo ki bahut hard lag raha hai upar se saath waale aage nikalte jaa rhe hai, din bhar chest pain mein rehti hun, aese kaise padhyi kar paungi. This is a cry for help. Please if you know anyway I can help myself

Anxiety

Toh aaj mene firse usko gussa dila diya apne dil ki baat bolke…usko smjhane ki koshish krke ki mene kyu esa jhut bola tha and kyu mene ye itne lambe samay se baat chupae thi…..or fir aaj usko mere le gussa aa gya and firse ldai ho gae mai bas isi dar mai usse kuch baate nhi bol paunga ki yrr mai jab bhi usko bolunga kuch ki yrr mene isliye esa kiya toh bas vo yhi bolegi ki tum jhute ho tumpe bhrosa nhi kiya jaa skta….so yes I’m a lier and I accepted and I really apologise for being lier…bas schai isiliye nhi btae thi kyuki tujhe khone ka dar tha agr vo na hota na toh mujhe kuch ghnta farak nhi pdta kisi se…..lekin jab tune sab toda toh mene sab sch btaya ki kya reasons the agr tu pyaar krti toh shyd mujhe mome dedeti…ya kya ota vo sehn krte krte thak gae…haan sehn krte krte hi thak gae….isiliye chali gae…khush hu mai uske liye ki vo us toxicity se alg ho gae h shyd ab vo khush rehti hogi daily….koi stress nhi hota hoga usko….mai bas hmesha koshish krta rhunga usko mnane ki shyd maan jae kbhi toh vo.I really love her

Mai peechle 3 saal se ruk sa gaya hu kahi... Gota yu hai 2017 mai aur mera friend office open karte hai waha ek ladki aati h usse mujhe aur mere friend ko attraction ho jata hai .. Ab hum decide karte hai dono try karte jisko woh choose kaare woh uski marzi ... Ab mai phele karta hu aur woh mere sath  relationship mai aa jati hai ... Mera dost ko jealous feel hota hai woh meri ko approach karta hai aur unke beech kiss ho jati hai usko lekar mere dost aur mera jagda hota hai mere saaare dost uska sath dete hai mai sabse alag ho jata hu ladki ke sath rehta hu us time but mai andar se tuta tha toh alcoholic chain smoking  literally esa tha ki ek din mai 2-3bottle whisky and 20 packet cigarette...phir khud ko sambhala nayi shuruwat ki.. Ab 2018 mai career personal life short ho rahi thi phir mere office mai mera cousin ata h woh bhi attract ho jata h meri GF se ab mai kaam mai bahut busy rehne laga tha toh tume issue the GF ke sath ... Then ek baar woh pregnant ho gayi maine usko abort karne ke liye kaha kyuki hum dono bus 23 ke they isliye usko baby karna tha .. Then usne mere cousin ke sath physical relation bana liye phir mai bilkul tut gaya ek dum .. 2019 end tak aate aate ye sab pata chala.. Ab us time mai financial,emotional,personal,professional har tarah se struggle kar raha tha ...bahut bura laga jis ladki ke liye sabko chodaaa tha woh phir dhoka deti hai jis cousin ko apne barabar rakha bhai se badkar mana usne dhoka diya dost ne tih diya hi tha....kher ab phir depression aya tohda alcoholic phir hua but phir shambhala 2020 feb tak.. Lekin feb 2020 delhi riots mai restaurant mai aaag laagi coaching centre mai tod phod hui ... Phir 2020 mar lockdown ..... Ab lockdown ke baad khud ko dubara chance diya ...sab thik bhulne laga dheere dheere lekin 2020 end mai mera friend jisne mujhe dhoka diya tha tab usse patch up hua ...sab normal hone laga dheere dheere ab us dost ke sath online rummy gambling ki aadat lag gayi usko maine financial aur emotional support bhi kara .. Mai lagbhag phir barbaad hua... 2022 mid tak isme laga raha jab tak sab kuch kho nahi diya.. Ab mai uske sath kum milne laga gambling chodd di ..  Phir kaam mai laga ab maine ek  start up kiya aur woh acha kar raha tha.. Woh mere dost mujhe milta hai haal kehta hai bada business men ho gya and maine ab uuske sath connection khatam kar diye .... Ab mai emotional itna tut sa chuka hu ki kya batau.. Mera woh cousin mere samne hi rehta hai. . mera dost roj mere samne se nikalta hai meri ex lagbhag dikh hi jaati hai month mai ek baar... Sab samne rehte hai mai chah kar nahi bhool pata inn sab baato ko ... Ab ye baat kisi ko share nh kar pata khabi bilkul akela mehsus hota lagta hai mai hi kyu har baar itna sab hone ke baad bhi mai try karna chahta hu lekin nahi ho pa raha man karta hai kahi chala jau sab chooddd kar ke yaha khamosh kar lu khud ko... Ab bus ab nh ho pa raha khud par kaabu..feeling alone ek dum alone

Depression

Daman e yaar me mera sar 
Fir ek khaab me mera ghar
Ek ghar ki jisme tum or main
Tum or main ek baat karen
Ek baat ki jisme zikr chhide
Us zikr me hum ahsas kare 
Ahsan kare un lamhon ka 
Lamhe jo humne bune kabhi
Kabhi jo bas ek khayal hai ab 
Khayal ki jisme tanha hum
Tanha maano ek raat siyah 
Raat ki jisme wo baate humari 
Baate jisme khaab mere
Or khaab hi kya bas sath tera
Sath tera ek aanchal sa 
Aanchal ki jiske saye me main 
Saya bhi wo jo daman par 
Or daman me hai sar mera 
Or fir ek khaab me ghar mera

Poetry

Mere bf ne hi mjhe approch kia tha shuru me bht saare vaade kiye , apna centre of world bna kr rkha lekin ab 2 saal se jyda guzr jane k baad mjhe usse kuch b dil ki baat share krne k liye ghanto ghnto wait Krna pdta hai....uska Mann hota hai koi kaam hota h toh wo bht si meethi baatein kehta h aur wese meri feelings pe dhyn hi ni deta....kbhi mjhse ye ni puchta ki m kesi hu.....agr m kisi dusre insaan se kuch share kru apne dil ka toh usey bura b bht lgta hai...aur khud kbhi sunne ki koshish ni krta......m kbhi kbhi khud ko trapped feel krti hu.... Kbhi wo acha ho jata h kbhi usey koi farq ni pdta....😔😔😔

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