Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

My parents where very controlling,emotionally and physically abusive people when i was young i had seen my father trying to beat my grandmother and she committed suicide by litting fire to herself and to our house and when i was 11 i became homeless .
And this all mentally messed me up and me and my family started to live in a single room beside my fathers studio we had enough money to rent a decent house but my father was selfish he spent that money on useless things .yes he gave me food,education, clothing but that wasnt enough i was just a child i needed more than that but no one cared about me so i became emotionally detached.
Then All I wanted was go to college and move away from this place from them but then my father got brain tumour and i couldn’t go to college while all my friends did and i was left in house helping my dying dad we didnt have any money for surgery so people donates as charity i couldnt face anyone after that but we couldnt do the surgery because one way or another it was assured he was going to die so me and my mother and brother remained home looking after my dying father bathing him feeding him cleaning all kinds of thing and with help of some people and more charity i found a job and my father died while i was looking.
And then i was content at my job i found my love there it was from him i knew what love was. I studied my degpree as distant education while i did my job three years passed still my dream hasnt changed i needed go abroad i had experience to go to uae finally escaping from this hell everything was planned.
I studied hard spent my hard earned money to study a course to go abroad but when it was too close it was again taken away from me i dont have any money no ones going to help me i resigned my job to go abroad because at that job nothing was improving
I let myself hope and it all came crashing down
I feel like my heart is ripped out
I want to go but i cant this world is cruel like that
I feel like im dying only thing i ket myself hope i cant anymore