Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

My mom started cheating on my dad when I was still 4 years old, back then I didn’t know what cheating was and was confused why I shouldn’t tell my dad that there was some guy living under the same roof as we do, not even a relative but just a mere stranger. My dad lived and worked out of the country and comes home every 3 years. When I was still young I used to hang around with him a lot, basically a daddy’s girl. But when I started to grow up and finally understood our situation, I hated myself and would be disgusted at what I see in the mirror. I never talked to him again since I would always tell myself back then that I was too shameless to do that. If I would tell him then who knows what would happen to our family, either my dad would leave us and my mom would blame me my entire life for what happened. I planned to tell my dad when I turn 18 and have a stable job incase something happens but he died when I was 16 and up until now that I’m 17, I’m still feeling guilty about it and I hate my mother for it. I want to run away but I know that my mom would say that I am being selfish and ungrateful especially that we are financially struggling and they are starting to say that “oh when she turns 18 and have a job then we won’t have any financial problems anymore”. And it makes me feel guilty that I wanted to run away but still, I want to run away and heal myself. My emotions and thoughts are valid right? I don’t think they are ridiculous like what my mom said.